Minskoff Puffer

After the Jew formerly known as the Single Jew sent me one amazing link and I sent it to everyone I could possibly think of, I just can't help myself by making it a posting.

What happens when Phil & Friends meet Mufasa and Simba? Well, obviously, "'LION King' audiences at the Minskoff have been sniffing the sweet scent of marijuana. It turns out the pot-head fans of former Grateful Dead bassist Phil Lesh, who's doing a nine-day stint at the Nokia Theater next door, were lighting up"

It shouldn't necessarily "turn out" that fans of Phil Lesh were lighting up because that is a given, but the fact that it manages to ooze to the Minskoff theater and ruin a perfectly good day for Middle Americans (plus some authentic locals) is awesome. Guess we lefties just lost a few "values" voters to the right wing lunatics who'd rather see their children go without health insurance rather than be exposed to devil weed, but man it's worth it when we get to read about it on Page 6.

Don't Become Imus, Eh?

What happens when you take a white Canadian hockey guy and put him in the context of a place with murders and streetball? You get Barry Melrose, ESPN commentator and Newark non-believer, who politely put it that you shouldn't "...go outside if you have a wallet or anything else, because the area around the arena is just horrible," in reference to the Dirty Jers' newest arena for the fledgling Devils.

This could have the makings of a Don Imus if:
(1) Newark Mayor Cory Booker wasn't as light skinned, charming, and friendly as Barack Obama - although he did say of Melrose that he, "welcome[s] him coming to the city so we can dispel his ignorance."
(2) The Don Imus affair turned out to be one dumb mistake by his employer, both in the sheer size of the pending lawsuit and the fact that Imus will be returning to the radiowaves on December 3rd. Next time Imus says something stupid they might want to try waiting for Mr. Sharpton's period to subside and have some hoebag in Hollywood get arrested to distract our attention.
(3) Shit, did I say hoebag?
(4) As Melrose implied, Newark sucks, so not even Al Sharpton cares if there's no establishment to protest. Even Mayor Booker, a promising and hopeful person who lives in the Newark projects to live the plight of his constituents, has been unable to spark life into a city that otherwise is better known for taking life.
(5) Canadian cities don't seem as depressed as America's
(6) I only wish I could convey the Canadian accent in this posting, but the spelling is subtle and it's all in the speak, not the type.
(7) The NHL canceled its season 2 or 3 years ago and is still irrelevant.
(8) Global Warming - or as I now try and say "Climate Change" - is freezing fewer and fewer ponds, thus resulting in fewer and fewer future Barry Melroses

As Barry Melrose moves on from his almost Imus moment, we find ourselves in the middle of a strike by the Writer's Guild Union, or whatever their name is. Stewart, Colbert, Leno, Letterman, etc... are all going into immediate reruns. Leno has supposedly been vocal in supporting his writers, but is someone who gets to go on indefinite vacation allowed to support such a cause?

Other than hosting Fred Thompson's presidential announcement and his tendency to own way too many gas guzzlers, Leno seems like a good guy. Perhaps he's even so passionate about late night TV that he doesn't enjoy vacation, but seriously c'mon. There's no way a writers strike could stop his paycheck from rolling in, reruns or not, plus the fact that NBC is muscling him out for Conan, man this guy must be really happy right now. Perhaps if a bunch of nerdy engineers went on strike I'd be unable to sell their products, but I don't see myself getting that lucky.

God Ween Cheney

Today Chicago's forecast is for a high of 75 degrees and storms. Tomorrow calls for a high of 79 and strong thunderstorms. The date is October 16. I'm no Steve Baskerville, but that's not a good sign.

A minor rant: the good people at ETS (Remember that company? The one that administers all those annoying standardized tests you take before going to college?) are either incredibly fiscally irresponsible or are brilliantly running a huge money laundering operation. It costs $15 for them to send a print-out of your test scores to any institution. So, for them to print out 4 pieces of paper (they are nice enough to TRY to get it done within 2 weeks of receiving your request) for me, it costs $60. Score reports are free if you order them the same day you take the test, but I thought the whole point of standardized tests was to take them BEFORE you apply to schools. Test fees ain't cheap either, but that didn't stop them from not having any AC on the hot-ass day I was lucky enough to be taking my test. If these things are so important, you'd think they'd find a way to make the temperature less than 90 degrees during the 3+ excruciating hours they make you stare at a computer screen.

A major rant: Chicago public transit is in store for another "Doomsday". Literally, they are calling November 4 a doomsday, right after we had a potential doomsday a couple months ago. The best part? The real doomsday hits in January. By that time, they are threatening to eliminate 82 of the city's already shitty bus routes, leaving only 72 routes remaining, including practically zero anywhere near my apartment. Seriously, look at this shit. For those of you non-math wizards out there, that's 53.2% of the bus routes that will be eliminated.

The best part about all of these doomsdays is that the handling of the first one demonstrates how shittily government is run in these here parts. Back in August the CTA was begging for extra money but didn't get it. Instead, they decided to BORROW money out of the 2008 budget to postpone any of the hardships. Brilliant. Rather than institute what seemed like some necessary cuts and fare hikes, they instead chose to dig themselves an even deeper hole.

Now there are posters and CTA employees everywhere telling us poor souls to contact our local government officials to save Chicago transit. My question is where the hell did all these people come from? The only CTA employees I ever see are the lazy-ass ladies sitting at the station near my apartment who don't give change and eat more fried food than anyone I have ever seen (in fairness, though, yesterday I did see one of them eating an orange). Are these people really necessary? As far as I can tell they serve no customer service purpose, and I estimate that there's a 0% chance they could ever prevent any sort of crime on the platform that can't easily be seen from their booth. My station serves one train line and 2 buses, which doesn't exactly make these employees an indispensable source for transit information, not that they'd necessarily help anyone out anyway.

Ergo, when you connect the dots you realize that this agency, like all Chicago government entities, is bloated with people who probably make way too much money and who receive benefits that are vastly more generous than those received by the general population. And they don't really do anything except put up posters when doomsdays roll around. Also, it's not like our fares are so high that they can't be raised. It costs me $1.75 a ride, but because I pay online I get a 10% discount, knocking the fare somewhere around the $1.55 range. I also pay with pre-tax dollars, so I end up getting something like a 25-30% discount there as well. My lady friend, a student, pays somewhere in the neighborhood of $80 per semester for her unlimited pass.

What I'm getting at is that I think most of us doomsday sufferers would be better at running the CTA's finances than the cronies who have been fucking things up all these years. Perhaps what the CTA really needs is Charles Grodin's character from the movie Dave, an accountant who comes to the White House one night to help his buddy balance the federal budget. I mean, seriously, I'm pretty sure that Charles Grodin passed away, but can't we get some sort of Grodin surrogate to come and save the day?

If you ask me, all these doomsdays are a bunch of bullshit. The CTA is just trying to make people scared so that they can find a way to get enough cash to eke out their shitty status quo. I'll probably end up eating my words here and be forced to rollerblade to work [shirtless and wearing big headphones], but that's what's running thru my noggin.

OK, long rant over. Did you know that Al Sharpton is my uncle? Actually, there's a 99.999% chance that statement is total bullshit, but Barack Obama IS related to Dick Cheney, so you never know. Those family reunions must be a barrel o' laughs...

Ween comes to the Windy City this Saturday, playing at a venue with questionable acoustics and even more questionable on-sale policies that all but require you to use the evil demon Ticketmaster. Rock on.

Let's go Imus on this crazy bitch

In the tradition of appreciating only the controversial material that fits my beliefs, I say it's time to take Anne Coulter down. I don't fully understand what happened yesterday on Donny Deutsch's show, but all I know is that we Jews are about to unleash 1000 Al Sharpton's on this bitch.

No one likes hearing the pundits that offend them, but Anne Coulter is the epitomy of intolerance for anything but her way, so I have no shame in playing the narrow-minded card, as the pundits such as Maureen Dowd and Bill Maher that float my boat preach intolerant points of view that try to force tolerance down the throats of people like Anne Coulter. Being intolerant about intolerance is cool, but Anne Coulter is just intolerant.

As a Jew, I'm totally not offended, partially because I don't understand what she was trying to say, and partially because I like the food and culture but not the religion, and her argument used the word "testament" a few too many times for my liking. What's really dumb of her is that the more religious the American Jew, the higher the chance that they're Republicans strictly because of Israel and foreign policy.

So why she has to go complain that the 2004 Republican Convention in NYC was her utopia that involved a lot of "perfect Jews," (ie. Christians) is pretty dumb. The Iraq War was in full swing and Israel was just a couple years from bombing Lebanon back into the stone age, which are clearly things that get this super evil attractive bitch off at night. Knowing this fact in hindsight, she shouldn't go around bashing the Jews that to an extent carry out activities that are very pro-Republican and pro-Bush, not to mention the fact that without Jews, "perfect Jews" never would have graced God's earth.

If Mel Gibson and a bottle of tequila can cause such an outrage amongst religious Jews and Hollywood Jews, then Anne Coulter and her mouth better go down in flames, and none of this alcohol rehab bullshit. She wasn't drunk on the show and therefore doesn't get to go to rehab to make things right. Just like Hollywood, politics and the media have a disproportionate amount of Jews controlling it, so I expect this bitch to lose a lot more than the scattered newspaper syndications she did when she called John Edwards a fag.

If I was representing the Jews in the racial draft on Dave Chappelle's show, Al Sharpton would be my first pick, but even without him we Jews are going to put her on the cover of crackwhore magazine as the representative of the "perfect Jews" when this is all said and done. Come to think of it, isn't Ted Haggard a member of the "perfect Jew" clan? He's already a crackwhore...

Baby, It's Cold Enough to Make Your Nipples Rock Hard

So fall seems to finally be upon us here in Chicago, and I'm guessing that is the case for much of the nation. I'm glad that this seasonal weather has finally arrived, but I wouldn't exactly say that global warming is a myth. 5 days ago it was hot as tits for the Chicago Marathon, and the day before that I was sweating my balls off at a bar while watching the Cubs have yet another disappointing October.

Cubbies fans, I feel for you. You're a generally loyal bunch, even though my lady friend hates your team because of the high-heels-wearing Lincoln Park trixies amongst your masses who drunkenly attend games at the Friendly Confines with their sorority sisters and their meathead of the month boydude. The Cubs will now have gone ONE HUNDRED [BILLION] years without a World Series, something I find even more impressive than the Mets' late season collapse.

Speaking of that collapse, I have not mourned the fact that the Phillies, who benefited from the Muts' fall shitshow, were swept by the Rockies. Jimmy Rollins, you may have made good on your pre-season prediction that your team was the one to beat in the division, but misery loves company, and I am pleased that your team got a swift kick in the balls as soon as it entered the playoffs.

So it's cold out now and the days are getting short. Time to run home to watch Grey's Anatomy and eat soup? I think not. It's time to experience the great outdoors. This weekend I plan to keep warm Wisconsin-style, adding fat- and alcohol-based calories to my body in hopes of insulating myself from the cold winds of Lake Michigan. I'm going camping, and a grand time is sure to be had. We'll be up the "east coast" of the state, enjoying the sights and fresh air of a state park near the great city of Sheboygan. Last time I went to this park, we took a jaunt into town to eat at a local restaurant. In hopes of living like the locals, I ordered a bratwurst, and when the waitress asked if I wanted butter on my bun (like the locals do), I answered in the affirmative. Well, let me tell you, I like good-tasting food that clogs your arteries, but this was just disgusting. When I took a bite the butter literally spewed out, like an overly generous slathering of mayo, and I promptly cleaned off my bun as much as possible while my deceased Kosher ancestors rolled over in their graves. When paying the check, my lady friend left a $5 tip for the waitress, who nearly had a heart attack at our big-city generosity. Oh, Wisconsin...

A couple other ramblings before I return to work:

1) Radiohead, as Adam already stated, is cool. Any band that lets me pay what I want for their top-notch tunes and makes an entire album to say "Fuck You" to George Bush is about as cool as it gets, not to mention that they apparently named themselves after a Talking Heads song. The coolness continues to pile up into a massive heap, even if I too couldn't get thru to their website.

2) The Dogfish Head brewery may very well be the best thing to come out of the state of Delaware. Don't get me wrong, I like Joe Biden (even if nobody else seems to), and I hear that they have some nice beaches there, but my one visit to that state wasn't particularly overwhelming. The aforementioned beers, however, are absolutely delicious. I've had the 60-Minute IPA, which I enjoyed, and I hear the 90-Minute and 120 Minute (which I believe is 18% alcohol) are sights to behold. The Raison d' Etre, which uses beet sugar in the brewing process, is extremely tasty, and last night I bought a sixer of their brown ale, which was delectable. I dare you, name a better brewery.

In Rainbows (of WWI blood)

Bush Urges Panel to Reject Armenian Genocide Measure

I hate agreeing with this guy, but I do. What's the point of appeasing Armenians, whom most of us could not point out in a lineup, about something that happened almost 100 years ago? Why make relations with Turkey more fragile than they are? And why can't the House of Representatives pass a freakin measure denouncing the Darfur genocide, or will that take 100 years and some other spineless political party to make that happen? Seriously, what a waste of time. This is worse than condemning MoveOn.org and Rush Limbaugh.

I know it's easy to point to the 12 percent approval rating of Congress, but I'm seriously starting to get behind that, as non-binding resolutions (aka "telling on the President"), endorsing wiretaps because they're afraid of being called pussies, and condemning Iran even though it gives tricky Dicky one more reason to invade have all been pathetic demonstrations of this pathetic Congress. I'm not too sure they can continue with their vaginal tendencies and actually win the 2/3 majorities necessary to override vetoes during the next election cycle. Corrupt and demagogic Republicans are starting to look sexier than whiny pussies worried about WWI genocide.

Anyone else having a hard time getting through Radiohead's site to download the new album? Enough cannot be said about these guys, as 10 days after completing a new album they are offering it for however much you want to pay them. Some people are worried about what it could do to the record companies, but all of those some are people who work for said companies. And what of the R&D budgets of these mega companies, how are they supposed to go find the next new Radiohead if the current Radiohead is killing their profits? Who the fuck cares! All they can find these days is shit I don't listen to, so bravo Radiohead, bravo. What a bunch of crybabies those recording industry execs are, everyone's got problems, they should stop crying already.

Stuff

Wow I've been a busy man of late, so I'm glad MisterLister has been providing banter, albeit about the disgracefully pathetic Mets. All that can be said has been said, but I'm glad they kept [not as slick as this Willy] Willie Randolph at the helm. Even if drastic changes are needed, New Yorkers are so impatient and often don't know what's best when they're angry at their favorite teams, so other than some serious pitching changes, I don't feel the need for nor confidence in drastic roster changes.

And hey, as long as the Yankees don't win the World Series, us Mets fans will happily admit how good it feels when that happens, despite the fact that gay-Rod might actually not blow it this year and the Yankees are looking slick these days. Oh PS, gotta love the start of the Knicks' season. Attention Cablevision customers, your bills are about to go up because douchebags are in charge of Madison Square Garden. On the topic of bills going up, that Anucha Browne Sanders isn't even remotely attractive enough to be worth $11 million of sexual harassment.

Speaking of pathetic sports, I managed to avoid the subject of my beloved Michigan Wolverines losing to Appalachian State a few weeks ago, so here I am in acknowledging that sad little tidbit. Fortunately, the Big Ten has become super arrogant and has their own network that only DirecTV has so far picked up, so I was too hungover to go to the bar and watch that miserable moment in college football history and got pretty lucky. Other than that, the Big Ten network should go to hell because it is driving their football teams into further obscurity and taking away national exposure, not to mention the fact that it will become a full-time gymnastics channel once the football season is over.

Somewhere along the way Adam's Mad World turned one year old, and since much of last year's fall was dedicated to Michigan football, the combination of them not being as good, me not going to high profile away games, and me sort of having a life, they're just not getting as much love from me this year.

The time of year has come for me to get excited about yet another Vegoose endeavor, and what better a way to remind me of it than finally getting to see Arcade Fire again this weekend, which will be a nice throwback to 2 years ago when I'd never heard of them and they blew my mind in the desert.

Otherwise, some things have really been perplexing me and I'd like to know your thoughts:

-If we always read from left to right and look at things like that subconsciously, then why does the Manhattan Street map read like a prayer book on Rosh Hashonah? Besides Hollywood and money, do the Jews also control the art of cartography?

-Have you ever gone to the change machine at a bank, gotten really excited about the $103.63 in savings that you've accumulated, and then gotten really pissed about the fact that you have 63 cents in your pocket? Why the fuck can't they just keep that shit? And don't even get me started about the fact that I forgot to save quarters for laundry day next week...

-Fact: every failed restaurant on the island of Manhattan becomes a Chase Bank

-It's not supposed to be 85 degrees in October. The Day After Tomorrow is a recent favorite bad movie of mine, and seriously everything in it is turning out to be true. I believe that our atmosphere and climate are quickly spiraling into shit, but that Al Gore's thunder is officially flat and someone like Chuck Norris should take over the initiative.

-I officially despise Microsoft

-I despise the Today Show even more

-There's some other shit too and I'm mad I can't think about it, this is to be continued

Woe Are We

August 26, 2007 -- "MEMO to Jimmy Rollins: The best team won. Yes, it's still the dog days of August and the Mets have to travel to beautiful Philadelphia tomorrow, but the NL East race is over. Though the Yankees are fighting for their playoff souls, the Mets are merrily on their way to another October. This really wasn't much of a race. Despite all the Mets problems, despite the fact they left the door wide open in the division, the Phillies and Braves have not been able to step through the portal." - Kevin Kernan

Kudos to the RuboTron for finding this juicy newsflash from a few weeks ago, which was offered up by some schmuck who writes for the NY Post. All I can say is that this asshole follows in the great journalistic tradition of all other Rupert Murdoch enterprises, being a total blowhard who doesn't know dick. I'm guessing that after getting in trouble for writing this article he'll be transferred to write front-page stories for the Wall Street Journal, as I'm sure that Journal employees with any integrity will be thrown out the door to make way for a few more Sean Hannity-type douchemonkeys.

Back to the Mets and the misery that they have brought upon themselves and their fans. What was it about this year's team that was just so mediocre? They started off blazing hot, only to be questionable from June onward. Sure, their record was better than that of the Phillies for most of the season, but there was something missing all season, and it didn't take any sort of hindsight to realize it. Every time they showed any sort of flash of brilliance, they'd lose a few games and look totally anemic. Sure, Beltran and Delgado weren't going to be able to repeat their brilliant performances from last year, and our bullpen wasn't going to be as lights-out without Duaner Sanchez and Chad Bradford (remember him?) paving the way for Heilman and Wagner.

Although I don't have official stats on hand, I can tell you with certainty that the Mets were pretty shitty in 1-run games, and that they rarely came back when trailing. I know that until they managed to sneak out a 10-9 extra inning win against the Marlins a couple weeks ago they had lost 5 straight in extra frames.

This may be total horsecrap, but I think that Jose Reyes hurt them as much as he helped them this year. When they really needed him to produce he was getting picked off and not running out ground balls, generally looking like a jackass. If you ask me he thinks he's underpaid at roughly $6.5 million per year, and he wants to make as much as Pedro, Beltran, et al., so he feels it's OK to act like an idiot because the Mets are getting their money's worth. David Wright, who signed his contract a few days after Reyes, averages $9 mil per year (though the big paydays don't come for a few years), had a freaking stellar season, and continues to be the great white hope of NYC.

Am I totally off on Reyes here? Should he be traded? Could they make a killing off him in the trade market, or is he damaged goods around the league?

A few things I look forward to next year:
1) Lastings Milledge - he may be fucking ghetto, but he's authentic, and he showed why Minaya refused to include him in any trades. The kid can play.
2) Pedro Martinez - the guy can flat-out pitch, as he showed during his brief comeback. Whatever it is, he's got it. Every time he steps on the field you smile and watch closely for the rabbit he'll pull out of his hat.
3) Mike Pelfrey - he struggled mightily for much of the year, but he was pretty good at the end of the year when they really needed him to do so, particularly that stellar game at Atlanta where the Mets began to stage what seemed like a season-saving hot streak. He can throw the cheese, and when his sinker does what he wants it to, his stuff looks pretty nasty.
4) Oliver Perez and John Maine - 2 great young starters who are alternately painful and dominant. Great pickups last year.
5) Guillermo Mota and Scott Schoeneweis pitching for other teams. See here for further explanation.

Right now, however, it's October 1, Derek Jeter is going to make some ridiculously clutch plays and hit a few game-winning homers, the Phillies have a good chance of taking the NL, and I'm bored as fuck. Please weigh in with theories as to exactly what was wrong with this Mets team, and how we might come out of this mess for the '08 season.

MEET THE METS

To follow up on Mister Lister's agony, I found this pretty sweet picture:

An Open Letter to the Mets Bullpen

Dear members of the Mets bullpen,

You are G-d awful right now. Are you freaking kidding me? What a choke. Collectively, you are pathetic, and deserve to shoulder most of the blame for the team's late season decline, but I'm going to single out 3 whose offenses I find to be particularly egregious.

Scott Schoeneweis, you are making 3.6 MILLION dollars this season. Your ERA is 5.02, and you have pitched 57.1 crappy innings. Assuming you pitch a couple more crappy innings before this season-ending collapse ends on Sunday, we'll infer 60 crappy innings this season, working out to $60,000 per crappy inning. Thanks a freaking lot. The one thing that might differentiate you from your other sucky bullpen counterparts is that you've been crappy all season long, particularly at Shea Stadium. So thanks for that consistency.

Guillermo Mota, thanks for showing us that steroids really do enhance your performance. Unfortunately, that was last season. Now that you're off the juice, you, too, have sucked a fatty all season long. No matter how you might pitch, I want all the kids out there to remember that dope is for dopes. Don't be a dope.

Billy Wagner, now we move to you. Besides the fact that you blew it at the one Mets game I went to this season--Thurs, June 7, a very special date, Phillies at Mets, you gave up an ill-timed home run to Pat Burrell in the 9th inning, opening the door to a 3-run Phillies 10th and a Mets loss. Our day was RUINED. Later that day at the player's gate Adam told you, "Nice game, pretty boy," and you then spit on him. The spit then ricocheted off his right temple, turned in midair, and hit me in the right hand, causing me to drop my soda--you have really sucked down the stretch. You sucked in last year's playoffs, and this year when it's counted you've sucked some more. Last nite, with the Mets trailing the Nationals in a must-win game, you allowed 2 runs in the 9th, effectively shutting the door on a sweep by one of the worst teams in baseball. Though your season ERA is 2.67, you've sucked when we've needed you to excel. You were given a ridiculously large contract to come through when we've needed you to, and you've done nothing of the sort. You've pitched 67 innings this season, so we'll infer that you'll have pitched 70 by the pathetic end of the 2007 Mets campaign. At a salary of 10.5 MILLION dollars, that comes out to $150,000 per non-clutch inning pitched. Are you freaking kidding me?! Do you have any idea how few of us make less than $150,000 per YEAR, yet come thru in the clutch when our bosses and co-workers need us to?! I'm just sickened.

Please, let the season end right now. I can't bear to watch any more of what is becoming a historic collapse.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Misterlister

Blame Canada?

Ok, so it's officially happened. We've all been making fun of Canadian money for as long as I can remember, that it's toy money, Monopoly money, etc... We even buy books and magazines and other products with special Canadian prices on them, as though they have beady eyes and wobbly heads, haven't apologized for Bryan Adams, and only understand humor within the confines of the bathroom (not the bathroom from my previous post)

So what sort of a crossroads are we talking about? I'm talking about the kind that will get 19 year olds in the state of Michigan to think twice about crossing the border for a superior exchange rate and therefore more dollars to play with, as they can just go to a Detroit Casino if need be. Holy shit Batman, our Canadian dollars are finally worth the same as American dollars. Wait, maybe our American dollars are just as worthless as Canadian dollars, but we might want to think twice about tweaking our humor to avoid comparing our dollar to a state of worthlessness.

Either way, Decider is optimistic about the economy, but Canadian Beasters are now the same price on both sides of the border, so I don't fully agree with the moron. Canada's dollar hasn't been worth the same as our tough guy American dollar since 1976, which I hear wasn't such a pleasant time in our nation's history. Next up, Mexican pesos...

Party Pooper Returns

I've enjoyed a friend's wedding, been to Fire Island, and been to Southampton over the past few weeks, but this wedding tale beats it all and might actually match up with the infamous Party Pooper of Southampton 2005:

[14:40] CoWorker#1: the wedding i was at
[14:40] CoWorker#1: someone took a poop on the dance floor
[14:40] CoWorker#1: literally
[14:40] coworker#2: what????????????
[14:41] coworker#2: ahem what?
[14:41] CoWorker#1: everyone was dancing
[14:41] CoWorker#1: the party was rockin
[14:41] CoWorker#1: then i smelled poop
[14:41] CoWorker#1: looked over
[14:41] coworker#2: ROFL
[14:41] CoWorker#1: saw the whole dance floor clear off
[14:41] coworker#2: what?????????
[14:41] CoWorker#1: and there was a turd on the floor
[14:41] coworker#2: come on
[14:41] CoWorker#1: someone shit on the dance floor
[14:41] coworker#2: lol
[14:41] CoWorker#1: i swear to god
[14:41] coworker#2: u have GOT to be kidding
[14:42] coworker#2: who the fuck did that?
[14:42] coworker#2: and WHY
[14:42] CoWorker#1: im assuming it was an elderly lady
[14:42] CoWorker#1: or at least hoping htat was the case
[14:42] coworker#2: oh NO
[14:42] coworker#2: i hope not a hot chick
[14:42] coworker#2: how dou squueze a turd onto the fllor?
[14:42] coworker#2: dont people wear underpants?
[14:42] CoWorker#1: had to be a female without underoos
[14:43] coworker#2: oh man
[14:43] coworker#2: that IS HORRENDOUS
[14:43] coworker#2: im crying btw
[14:43] coworker#2: thats a first
[14:43] coworker#2: so no one knew who did it????
[14:43] coworker#2: i mean
[14:43] CoWorker#1: nope
[14:43] coworker#2: u cant poop on the dance fl and get away w it
[14:43] CoWorker#1: someone did!
[14:44] coworker#2: what??
[14:44] CoWorker#1: someon shit the dance floor
[14:44] coworker#2: i mean
[14:44] CoWorker#1: and got off clean
[14:44] CoWorker#1: lol
[14:44] coworker#2: that person had to have gone home
[14:44] coworker#2: who fuckin cleaned it up
[14:44] CoWorker#1: the caterer
[14:45] coworker#2: r u serious?
[14:45] CoWorker#1: 100%
[14:45] coworker#2: cleaned up someones shit??
[14:45] coworker#2: oh god
[14:45] CoWorker#1: lol
[14:45] coworker#2: i dont get who does that
[14:45] CoWorker#1: in the middle of the dance floor
[14:45] coworker#2: LOL
[14:45] coworker#2: unreal
[14:47] CoWorker#1: yes
[14:47] CoWorker#1: unreal
[14:47] CoWorker#1: and
[14:47] CoWorker#1: HYSTERICAL!
[14:48] coworker#2: i cant
[14:48] coworker#2: believe this
[14:48] coworker#2: this is preposterous
[14:48] CoWorker#1: believe it
[14:49] CoWorker#1: someone SHIT on the dancefloor
[14:49] coworker#2: dude
[14:49] coworker#2: i mean
[14:49] coworker#2: were people just fuckin skeeved out?
[14:49] CoWorker#1: yeah man
[14:49] CoWorker#1: the place cleared out

I love it when people go to weddings and get an easy story for me, this is a total Caddyshack moment:

Follow The Money

The Democrats may be a bunch of homosexual freedom hating abettors to Osama Bin Laden, but is appears that uniformed service members are starting to warm up to them. I don't know about you, but I find that very interesting. The linked article's highlights include the fact that in 2002 (the last election before the Iraq war) 23% of the military's political donations went to Democrats. For 2008, however, 40% have gone to the Sissies, with Barack Obama (who, as a Senator-to-be, had the political leeway to speak his mind and denounce the war from day 1) leading the way. Ron Paul, the anti-war Republican, has received more cash than any of the other candidates in his party.

This is not a coincidence.

Of Zombies and Lumber

So I never posted anything about my recent travels, and I have a lull in the action at work, so here we are. I spent a few days in Vancouver, which was as beautiful as everyone had said. It's certainly a very desirable place to live, but like everywhere else it is not perfect.

Case in point: I had heard that there was a shady area of the city, known as its Skid Row. Well, seeing is believing. Upon arrival a friend drove us through said neighborhood, which is within a few blocks of downtown. Imagine a street with hundreds upon hundreds of homeless junkies milling around, going in and out of shady bars and "hotels," forming a critical mass at the intersection where the city's free needle exchange resides. The first couple days we were in town we were [un]lucky enough to be staying at a hostel a couple blocks away from this strip. Though I don't think Canadian junkies are nearly as violent as American gangbangers, it was a little unsettling to be around this area and see some of the people, affectionately dubbed "zombies" by a fellow traveler, hanging around there.

One other minor gripe about Vancouver is that it's pretty fancy pants. By that I mean that it's so desirable to live that real estate is apparently very expensive, and there is inevitable fallout when it comes to other aspects of the town. Most bars are in fact lounges or clubs, which tends to lead to hanging out amongst wealthy losers having self-important conversations in tones loud enough for everyone to hear. Most apartment buildings in the downtown area were soulless highrises, looking identical and fairly uninteresting in the spirit of modern luxury living (they all had porches, but even with some rare gorgeous weather I don't remember seeing one person actually hanging out on their porch). On a Saturday night the main strip of bars was crowded with velvet ropes, long lines, and kids on cell phones, talking to their friends who were oh-so-privileged to have gotten "in". Meh.

Don't get me wrong, I very much liked Vancouver. It's just not perfect. I found Vancouver Island to be much more remote and adventurous, with more natural beauty than the city and more options for relaxing. People were nicer (i.e. they are able to help you out if you want to get your hands on some of the famed local cannabis), zombies were rare, the trees were massive, and the Pacific Ocean was lovely. Though I don't ever plan on taking a cruise, I'm a big fan of traveling on the high seas. Taking ferries to and fro the island was good clean fun, as was sea kayaking (see above).

One weird thing about Canadia is the fact that alcohol is really expensive there. I know the sauce is bad for you and the Canooks have to fund their universal healthcare system, but I am not joking when I say that a sixer of cheap beer at a liquor store ran about $12. Ironically, delicious microbrews were $13 or $14 for a six-pack, making me wonder who in God's name would ever drink the crappy stuff in Canada. I'm sure that Canadian hipsters like to wear Kokanee t-shirts, but I can promise you that PBR would not be nearly as cool in the U.S. if its price was virtually identical to Oberon. Mmm, Oberon...

Upon our brief jaunt stateside to Seattle/Tacoma, me and the lady friend were welcomed back to a few fat slices of Americana. Seattle rush hour involved a trailer that had flipped over on its side and a brush fire 2 miles down the road, reminding me of how pathetic an existence the typical American commuter tends to lead. Our gracious hosts in Tacoma work at a wine bar and used to live in Wisconsin, which means we got good and DRUNK at low, low prices. Between some good vino, free rounds at a bar and some good Midwestern/Northwest hospitality, I managed to wake up fully clothed one morning, feeling like ass. Home is where the heart is.

I think I'll end it here, as I've said my peace. Don't think I'm hating on Vancouver, unless you hate Vancouver, in which case run with it. Oh, one more thing. Unsurprisingly, Canadian border patrol officers are way nicer than American ones.

Jimmy Who?

From NBC News in San Diego:

"What a slap in the face to American workers, opening the highways to dangerous trucks on Labor Day weekend, one of the busiest driving weekends of the year," said Teamsters President Jim Hoffa.

So the president of the mafia connected Teamsters' Union that supposedly isn't as shady as it used to be is run by the legendary mobster's son? I did not know that, but quite ironic. They gave W a second chance for his family at making things right, and look what happened with that.

Something ain't right, especially when Decider decides that allowing trucks full of Mexicans into the country is okay. Not too sure how I feel about NAFTA, but I can guarantee that Decider decided this with the best of intentions for his corporate cronies in mind if he's willing to compromise his Republican base's stance on immigration and illegal border crossings.

Viva Los Hamptons

Not much to say. For an unknown reason I read a NYTimes article about rich little girls riding horsies, saw this picture, and found it pretty hilarious. Perhaps worthy of a caption?

"Hey Christie, did you know I used to beat the shit out of Billy Joel when we were growing up? How about you take a ride with me on the Downeaster Alexa?"

GONZO

Now that this reputable piece of shit is gone, I need to at least take credit for thinking of "Gonzo" as a good headline before I saw it all over the AM, Metro, Post, and Daily News yesterday. It's always very reassuring to know that I can come up with the same crappy and mildly hilarious headlines that our tabloids are known for.

Unfortunately, what do you really expect of all this? Remember how you also despise Ashcroft (who now seems like a blessing compared to this idiot that succeeded him), Rumsfeld, Harriet Miers, Karl Rove, Scott McClellan, George Tenet, blah blah blah the list goes on. But just as the John Ashcroft succeeded by Alberto Gonzalez episode has taught us, there is no reason whatsoever to celebrate, other than the fact that a pro-torture, lying through his teeth muthaf***a is now widely known as the piece o shit that he has always been.

Clearly these fools resign (W never fires his incompetent staff) because they're trying to avoid a pending shit storm, not because they care about anything but themselves. As much as these people deserve to be flogged and stoned in the public square and I enjoy seeing their personal demises, this country has not once been bettered by the replacement of a W cabinet member.

Wait, I'm getting a vision, and it's Gonzo getting the inevitable Medal of Freedom for being a total dickwad. Why? Because W likes him, not because he did anything for this country:

If there's anything 8 years of W has taught us, it's that shit only gets worse and that problems are replaced, not fixed. The one shining star was supposed to be replacing Rumsfeld with Gates, but all that's given us is the chance to watch W put all his faith behind the generals who toe the company line, rather than the arrogant civilian commander who did so before them. The "reasonable" guy from W's father's presidency is only there to placate the people who were fed up with a civilian fucking up, so now they've allowed military commanders to do so.

Luckily we have another homo-erotic GOP member of Congress, because without that, some of the heat on these fools might have subsided.

Other than that, all we've got is a most awesome wedding of my two friends this past Sunday, an awful Monday morning after, Greece is burning, Bill Maher's got a new season of Real Time, Leona Helmsley left tons of cash to her dog, and I got lectured by an NYU student about how busy he is when I was trying to sell Single Jew's TV to him:

Honestly, it's Welcome week, so there is not a heck of a lot of leeway for time

Honestly, piece o crap NYU Freshman, don't lecture somebody with a job about how little time you have between testing out your neighbor's new bong and puking in the dorm shower. I too was once naive, but the last thing I tried to do was lecture someone about how the most fun week of your life (first freedom from your parents) doesn't afford enough time to go buy a TV that will most certainly be watched for days at a time.

I Heart Republicans

It's time like these that I wish I had cable. In general I'm happy not to have it, because I'd probably just watch Sportscenter to the point of royally pissing off my lady friend, not to mention the fact that it's always a good idea to pre-emptively stop her from watching the Lifetime Channel (though I do remember one time when they showed the movie Goodfellas - mull on that). However, right now I REALLY want to see Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert talk about the likes of Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, and former Att. Gen. Alfonzo Gonzalez.

Let's start with Senator Craig, who apparently was picking up some dudes in the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport. All I can say is that the whole description of the scenario is pretty priceless. At least he wasn't picking up dudes in LaGuardia's bathrooms, though, because that would have been disgusting. As the link states, his voting record is firmly anti-gay, and he believes that employers should be able to discriminate based on sexual orientation. Well, he's employed by the people of the great state of Idaho, but his term's up in 2008. We'll see how that one goes.

Ted Haggard has realized that every new beginning leads to some other beginning's end, and is back to school. This link states that Ole Teddy Boy received a severance package worth $138,000 after he was let go from his megachurch when it was discovered that he'd been doing a bunch of meth and having gay sex with a male hooker. Now I don't know about you, but as an econ major I find it a little fishy that a pastor was given $138,000 AFTER doing meth and having gay sex with a male prostitute. Maybe I'm just far removed from the world of Christian Evangelicals, but the incentives they've created seem to be a little out of whack. I'm guessing that gay meth heads all over the country are currently looking for ways to cash in on their evil ways.

3 more comments about the Ted Haggard thing:
1) I love that his wife has chosen to study psychology. That's pretty much saying, "My husband totally fucked up my life, and now I'm trying to figure out how a person can be so freaking hypocritical and creepy. Perhaps if I study the depths of the human psyche I will gain some kernel of understanding of this freak."
2) Ted, whose house is worth $700K, somehow thinks people should donate money to the cause of his education. There are kids starving in Micronesia, and fat kids in Mississippi, and this fucking jack-off thinks people should be devoting their money to him!? This guy is not doing God's work.
3) Teddy, oh Teddy, why do you feel that you would be good at counseling? My cat offers better advice than you, and he's been turning tricks on Skid Row for 8 years. If you were going back to school for something that actually made you employable, something like medical transcription, that would have been a good idea. The world needs more medical transcriptionists; it does not need more counseling from gay Christian meth-heads.

Last but not least, Alberto Gonzales. You'll be missed, buddy. Personally I'd describe you as a giant amongst men. Your former boss pretty much hit the nail on the head, and I'd be remiss not to quote him here:

Our country needs a credible, effective attorney general who can work with Congress on critical issues ranging from immigration to investigating terrorism at home and abroad. Alberto Gonzales’s resignation will finally allow a new attorney general to take on this task. - Senator John Sununu, R-N.H.

Oh wait, that wasn't a quote from W. Well, you get the point.

Cruel Indeed

As Mister Lister has pointed out, life is great yet cruel. I truthfully have nothing to complain about, but hey this is about the 100th title I've had to come up with (with the recent addition of Mister Lister, our 108 combined postings put me somewhere around 100) for a posting and it's just cruel sometimes thinking so hard about two words.

What's also cruel is sitting here with my Bloody Mary on the couch inside of a house on an island that would be more perfect if I were outside. Then again, I didn't take the day off and am basking in my last quarter share weekend of Flamin Island, both reminiscing about the wonderful treatment it has provided me as well as the fact that this counts as work for me, although waking up at 6:30 in the morning was one of my most challenging challenges to date.

Is thinking about my 25 year old friend's wedding on Sunday also cruel? Because this is in fact the second one of its kind and it's getting pretty crazy for me, although this allows me to get more wear out of the tux that I bought at Syms for a not so cruel price. So much cruelty in the LBC, it's kinda not so hard bein an American chillin on the beach, but seriously why is our more retarded than cruel president allowed to vacation?

Why is it okay that Decider and Congress are allowed to criticize the Iraqi government for taking an August vacation? Lets see...Congress authorizes Decider's war because Iraq should have a government modeled on ours, yet now that Iraq is supposed to model itself on the US they can't take the same vacation that our government takes? I understand they're at war, but perhaps the people that got them into that situation should also be criticized for taking an August vacation? NYT pointed that out today that somehow we're allowed to blame these fools that we wanted to manipulate in such an exact way, yet not ourselves?

I think not. That's like peeing on someone's carpet, blaming them for not having any Resolve, going out and buying a cheap alternative for them, and blaming them that their carpet shouldn't have been there in the first place. Seriously, we could've made this right during the act of pissing, during the window of opportunity when the Resolve was needed, during the time that we decided to get the cheap alternative instead, and now it is no longer an option to make things right during the time when we're blaming them for having the carpet there in the first place. For those of you who think I'm crazy, the carpet is a euphemism for Muslim brothers killing each other because it's sexy. Seriously, what total crazy fucks they are, but their fuckin houses were carpeted people, and we shouldn't have taken our pisses on it if we don't want them pissing on the carpet as well (the carpet in this instance is Barbara Bush's head).

Alright, I'm kind of pleased with that ramble making sense to me. Me, as in the person who has now finished a bloody mary and enjoyed some natural greenery in suffering through the cruelty of not sitting on the beach. But what's not cruel is the fact that the weather has been heinous for two weeks but it is perfectly gorgeous outside and is supposed to do the same tomorrow for me.

On one more "seriously pissed off," Cartman like, cruelty feeling note, I saw Acts III and IV of Spike Lee's "When the Levees Broke" on HBO last night, and it's pretty gut wrenching. Perhaps it's because we need an HBO special to remind us, but how has this been allowed to happen?
Does someone like me have the right to complain that it's disgraceful what has happened since Decider decided to fly his luxurious jumbo jet over New Orleans and pretend to insist on helping people in need? Am I allowed to complain about this if I haven't done anything other than attend a Disco Biscuits inspired fundraiser almost two years ago?

It's certainly unfair to complain about Decider not living up to his promises, as he is incapable of any compassion that might suggest the government is responsible for actually helping people in need or that it has the slightest socialist undertones (duh aren't we all born rich and spoiled?). Seriously though, I pay my taxes, and as much as Republicans hate them, they have no right to make them as ineffective as they have, and lazy people like me shouldn't have to justify that one can only complain about injustice if we're out there smoking our pot in the streets as the fuzz hose us with water cannons and unleash their vicious K-9's on dang hippy protesters.

Cruelty comes in so many forms, both selfish and universal, so I guess that at this point all I can say is I'm going to go take my quasi-long weekend, sing a koombaya song for Fire Island, watch my friend get married, and show up at work feeling like total shit on Monday because I had to endure one cruel ass weekend. Certainly doesn't seem as selfish and unjustifiable as lamo politicians pointing the vacation finger at one another...

Sigh.

Less than 7 days ago I was camping out at the above location. Now I am sitting at a cubicle. Life is wonderful yet cruel.

More posts to come about the Pacific Northwest, Vancouver junkies, border crossings, cheap American beer, and more...

Da Funk

Ever since hearing about Daft Punk's performance at Coachella last year (watch it here), I have craved a live performance of the quasi-gay (simply because they are French) alien costume wearing, cheesy techno blaring, duo. Last week not only did that dream of mine come true, but I killed a second bird with one stone by making my first journey to Coney Island.

A paltry subway ride it was not, but I still had time to score a fish and chips and a staple giant beer at the original Nathan's (it is very large) and was unfortunately unable to check out the boardwalk. I don't claim to have walked through history, but next year brings major development and construction to what seems to be a still fairly dilapidated neighborhood, so I'm glad I got to see it in its current state. After the most miserable subway ride home (no express train at midnight) that I've ever experienced, I was sure it might be awhile til my return to Coney Island, but anyway onto the show.

The costumes rule and the lights are killer. It's too bad that a former jam band fan such as myself is used to two full sets, but what the hell they played for a good couple of hours and did a fancy encore. I tried blaming the stadium curfew, but supposedly it's pretty standard for them, which left me craving more, and more I will get come this Fall's Halloween party in Vegas, as that is the next show in their lineup. Sweet...

Not sure about this one

Hillary Clinton says, "Americans work harder than anyone else in the world, yet we're not getting rewarded."

Oh please Hill, I love it when you bash the White House, but Obama's got an Obama Girl, and if you had a Hillary Girl then that would just make you a lesbian, and gay people don't seem to be electable. Okay, but seriously this time: saying that Americans are the hardest working in the world is beyond a non-truth, as I have the leisure of writing this blog and people have the leisure of showing up in the middle of the day to your campaign stops. Maybe they're unemployed, but I'd bet that if they were the hardest working they'd be doing something other than listening to you talk about getting elected in two years during the middle of a weekday.

A Few Things

These are all most random thoughts that have been accumulating in my noggin, let's see how they look on digital paper:

-I get very proud of myself for recycling, like I can be Al Gore's son or something (woops), but then I realized I get most proud of myself for recycling when it's 1am and I see 40 empty beer bottles littering the place. Rather than chuck them in the garbage and race the bag to the trash room in the attempt of avoiding garbage beer juice from leaking out, I take said bottles, wash them with water, let dry, and eventually put in special recycling bag days later. Does this make me an environmentalist, or maybe just a sentimental drunk? I guess that without booze we'd never know, so thank you Bud, Brooklyn, and Dogfish Head for making me feel like I'm doing my part.

-Yesterday's headlines and crappy local news stories about how wonderful it was that Iraqis were able to celebrate their country's soccer team with only the scare of gunfire was not that inspiring. Soccer teams don't do shit for war strategy, yet the (presumably not drunk) sentimental newscasters made it seem like George Bush had just pulled out his greatest play yet. Damn MSM. We killed their cousins, but apparently Iraqis love us because they can celebrate under US troop protection when they beat those Sunni bastard lovin Saudi Arabians.

-Speaking of beating the Saudi Arabians, why is it supposed to be a good idea to offer $20 billion in advanced weaponry to a country that jacks off to jihad? How is Iraq supposed to not get beaten by Saudi Arabia in non-soccer combat when this shit happens? Why is this money justifiable because of "Iran's growing influence in the region?" Why is it okay that "Iran's growing influence in the region" is a direct effect of The Decider taking out the now seemingly trustworthy Saddam Hussein, and we must now counter that by giving weapons to a country that we should have invaded instead?

Rummy gave Saddam and Afghanis weapons back in the day to counter Iran and Russia, respectively, so the only logic that we won't have to go fix this mistake and invade Saudi Arabia in the future is because of the fact that the US is their bitch. So pretty much we can't bomb our way out of this one next time a drunken retard Republican is in office sometime in the next 30 years. I always knew that more weapons and more military contracts were our way out of a fucked future in the most fucked region of the world, glad someone finally had the balls to do this.

-As I attempted to take the 1,2,3 uptown at 14th St. circa 2pm today, the trains were shut down because "there's a body stuck under the train," according to the MTA employees who told us to scram. There were no screams or calls for help, but I couldn't help but wonder, "is this a dead or alive body?" and "will I get the skinny on NY1 later this evening or will this forever be a shady moment in New York City Transit History?" If only I wasn't late for a meeting and instead I could have stayed to provide the same helpful services I do an empty beer bottle at 1am...idiots shouldn't be falling on the tracks anyway, serves them right.

-6:30pm is early for dinner for me, I'm out

Vegoose is Back

Halloween is pulling a 4th of July and going Wednesday this year, but thankfully that did not stop the promoters from shying away for good after last years apparent loss of dough. Rage, Daft Punk, Thievery Corp, STS9, Cypress Hill, The Roots, Public Enemy, The Shins, and I hear a few more big names in the making; haven't booked the ticket yet but you know I'll be there. Do come. Check out their site here

Douchiness?

Alright so first of all I'm not positive but am pretty sure to drop the "e" in douche when turning the word into a state of being, but the state of the douchebag union has gone on far too long for me not to devote a few paragraphs to it. Truthfully, as I normally do, I'm just following the lead of this guy from Details magazine, who has got that same douchy feeling we've all been struttin around with these days. I think I really need to go ahead and buy this shirt already:

Ok so now that I'm close to buying the shirt and you may have read the other dude's posting, I'm not too sure if the state of douchedom will ever be solved so much as it is more likely to expand its empire and engulf us all. I put my oversized smartphone on the bar when I sit down, and I periodically check it for worthless communiques back and forth. I even hope to have a sleeker smartphone one day, and that will only increase my douche stock. If someone goes public with a company named douche, that's gotta be one of Goldman Sach's top 10 buys of the year.

I just purchased the shirt, what better a way to invest money from my PayPal account than into this sweatshop-free piece of cotton? Did you know that douches who run sweatshops overseas at least are providing jobs for people who would otherwise not have any? Does that make them altruistic douches, or just greedy bastards?

I think the most important thing to take away from that Details article goes something like this:
"run of the mill, everyday douchebag...it takes one to know one...fucktard (my personal favorite)...the word started out as a technical term for a vagina-cleaning device..."

I'm really starting to like the word fucktard, so much that I might start using it, but I just don't know if it hits home so properly as the original douche does. Actually, fucktard is more appropriate for someone like the Decider. Finding hope in the biggest pile of shit and despair, fucktard keeps insisting we're supposed to watch Iraqis die in numbers that compare to the days of Saddam. Fucktard probably has trouble fucking his wife, so why are we supposed to believe that he can bring stability to a country that used to stay intact because of a ruthless dictator? "Hey Achmed, that douche can't even fucktard his wife's brains out, how is he supposed to stop our car bomb factory?"

I'm pretty sure that's how things are goin down these days, but back in the day we had Lil Bush, and after last night's episode, I officially like the show. Consistency isn't there yet, but I've liked two and a half of the first four episodes, which ain't a bad majority (at least more than fucktard got in the 2000 election). It's a good twist of schoolyard tactics plus politics, and I only wish they'd come back with "That's My Bush." It may have been cancelled, but I can't believe Comedy Central has come out with just one show capitalizing on this guys dismal approval rating. Oh well, I'm sure them douches will figure it out.

Blech

Sure, Phil Mickelson gets lots of love for being a lovable runner-up, somebody the masses can identify with, as opposed to Tiger's unerring focus and general lack of lovability. Well, after having seen Mickelson in a number of ExxonMobil ads and glimpsing this article, the jury is no longer out when it comes to Phildo (rhymes with dildo). He is a full-fledged agent of evil.

The Midwest is Bland

So I hadn't posted anything for a while, but as soon as I saw that Adam posted something, I had to grab the spotlight and shine it back upon myself. I think that says volumes about my character and is more than kind of pathetic, especially because I don't think anybody actually reads this blog. First, though, a couple remarks to piggy-back on Adam's insights about Strong Island:

1) Long Island blows. How the hell my father managed to grow up there and make it out without being severely fucked up in the head, I am still unsure.

2) L.I. greaseballs, whose behavioral patterns were ever so vividly portrayed in the post below, are some of the dregs of the Earth. I'd put them right up there with those wannabe Redneck Texas douchebags who are from suburbs of Dallas and have never roped a steer in their life, yet proudly emblazon their bodies and unnecessary pickup trucks with "Don't Mess With Texas" paraphernalia.

People such as those mentioned above make me glad I live in the Midwest. Bland though it is, it is generally devoid of the kinds of people that make you realize just why the terrorists hate us. Chicagoans in general are a happy lot, paying comparably cheap rent to live in adequately-sized apartments, all while Da Mayor rules da city with an iron fist, just as his Dad did and just as future generations of Daleys are sure to do for centuries to come.

A funny sidebar on why you have to love Mayor Daley even though he is so corrupt. He just ran for re-election for the 47th time, winning handily, yet on some of his campaign placards and on some of the city websites and promotional materials he continues to use a photo of him from way back in the day, circa the time when Laura told George that be better find Jesus and lay off the sauce. I mean, the guy's 65 years old, pretty much totally gray, and all his photos show this spry guy with a full head of dark hair. The best part, he totally thinks it's legit, and nobody here in the press or general population seems to give him shit about it.

One thing that Mayor Daley and the CPD have made abundantly clear is that unlike the NYPD, they could care less about noise violations, particularly in the form of fireworks. It's legal to buy fireworks in Indiana and Wisconsin, both an hour or less away by car, and the people of Chicago have made apparently made it a priority to shower the good pyrotechnics merchants of neighboring states with fistfuls of dollars. In my neighborhood the entire week leading up to July 4th was pretty much a free-for-all of fireworks displays, with Wednesday nite being the grand finale. It all culminated around 9pm with me lying out on the grassy area outside my apartment watching 2 semi-professional fireworks shows within a couple blocks of my building, with other shows rumbling not far off in the distance. At one point a dud firework landed on the street (which wasn't closed, because all of this is being done by regular people shooting off their personal caches) right next to where it had been lit, exploding right near some passing cars. Had those cars been just a little closer to the action, we really would have had a show...

Unlike Chicagoans, however, people from greater Illinois are pretty much schwag-o. In truth, this state has little to offer besides the Windy City (i.e. Decatur, Peoria, Springfield, Aurora, practically no natural beauty or topography, etc.), and people from Illinois land somewhere outside the realm of jolly fat upper-Midwesterners (see Wisconsin, Minnesota), but not as country or charming as Southerners. It thus makes this state pretty trashy, with accents that are neither funny nor appealing, which I guess makes it comparable to Indiana or Ohio.

Well, now that I've offended people from most regions of the country, I think this post is pretty much complete. Check back soon for an explanation on why Hawaiians are Spam-eating cretins, how the WASP's of New England resisted becoming Africanized, and how the West is one big rotting cesspool, despite the dearth of adequate water supplies.

I'm off to be a huge loser, doing homework this weekend. The class I'm taking is my last before I get my Master's (in something that is probably useless), and although for the past couple weeks I've been pretty accepting of the fact that yes, it sucks, but it's my last class so I can't complain, I've now entered reality and have realized that it's summer, I'd rather be having fun, but instead I'll be crying myself to sleep after having written essays about government budgeting for an entire weekend. Yes, I'm that cool.

Ah

A big sigh of relief as I find myself at my desk for the first time in a week, after taking a whopping zero days of vacation. I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but when I'm inter-island hopping I'm barbecuing which is a hell of a lot more summer-like than eating French Toast.

For those of you who got that lame take on Hello Nasty, those boys from Brooklyn are quite a reprieve after having a few too many brushes with Long Island while enjoying my share in Fire Island. Fire Island is certainly not the Hamptons, which means it's a little more low-key and has fewer dudes insisting that their biceps are larger than yours, but I guess the Fourth of July brings out the worst in this country, as my quiet beach retreat was turning into a blue-collar Long Island festival just as I was leaving Tuesday evening.

I hate sounding like a snot and have nothing but love for the middle class (not to mention the fact that my income is about the same as theirs', so I guess I am a part of this bunch), but how on earth do po-dunk Long Islanders manage to look and act like they've spent all their income on clothing, hair gel, and cologne/perfume? I thought people respect the middle class because they're modest, but not these New York types.

I'm not too sure where I'm going with this, other than the fact that Strong Island meatheads amaze me. As LRod noted "they're already wearing heels," as in the meatheads' honeys were already in short skirts and high heels when getting off of the freakin ferry. When's the last time you wore a suit and tie on a plane because you're flying in for your friend's wedding (and yes I've worn my suit on a plane to keep it from wrinkling in the suitcase, but you know what I'm saying)?

Anyway, my decision to leave Fire Island as it was getting invaded by meathead patriots that still like George Bush was a good one, as LRod and I were one of 4 people getting on the ferry to go back to the "mainland."

Mainland? That's right, Long Islanders are so insular that they actually refer to Long Island as the "mainland" when discussing it in conversation on Fire Island. "Yo Joey, Vinny here, we got more brewskies coming on da freight from da maynland tomorrow." "Yo Vinny sweet bra we're gonna F so many bitches drinkin our beer as we watch dose mainland firewoooooks tomorra." Perhaps we city slickers are no better referring to New York as "the city," but at least it is the main city and the term does not invoke a geographical supremacy that is in fact a non-truth, unless of course speaking of da Bronx, but da Bronx is da Bronx, and they don't want to be part of any mainland.

I don't know why I'm complaining so much either, because I had an awesome time and managed to beach it up 100% against the flow of the mainland tourist masses, so it was quite the success and I spent minimal time racking my brain with today's current banter. I guess I just can't get over meatheads in general, and despite the fact that they invade the city on weekends, I certainly never come into such close contact with them as I did this past week. I think anthropologists need to expand their doctoral programs to study the local evolution of meatheads in the NY metropolitan area, kind of like the black squirrels with major chutzpah that roam around in Stuy Town.

Now that Coors Light officially tastes like water to me (even moreso than during college) I'm glad that another weekend is rolling around and that I've already expended my 4th of July patriotism as others try and soak it up for a second straight weekend (perhaps their first try).

I haven't done a lick of real actual work today and can only wish that I was somewhere near this toilet metropolis in China. 1000 toilets over 32,000 square feet, Egyptian facades, open-air options with no ceiling, alligator mouth urinals, they seriously thought of every mood someone could possibly be in when needing to take a dump, and I give them many kudos for thinking of us non-religious people who consider time in the John as time in a house of worship. I only wish they consulted me before building this marvelous wonder, but just knowing how funny those focus group meetings must have been is pretty awesome enough that I'm cool with that.

Fat Sexy Man Make Funny, Poignant Movie

The other night I took the EXTREMELY nerdy step of going solo, with a ticket purchased in advance, to see the Chicago premiere of Michael Moore's new romantic comedy, Sicko. Though my rationalization of this moment was probably just a lame excuse to feed my biases, I felt that as somebody who works in healthcare, and will one of these days have a degree in public policy, I ought to know what the kids are talking about (sure enough, a patient I met at work asked me about it this morning).

The film delivered much of what I thought it would. First, especially because it was the premiere, I was confronted by a plethora of obnoxious liberals, many of whom predictably thought it appropriate to clap when good points were made (it was great during those random moments when so-so points were made, when that one guy started clapping, only to realize he had no back-up, abruptly stopping his applause. I love it when old people act like a little teenager backed into the corner by the bully who's telling them that drugs are cool, and then totally succumb to the peer pressure). Moore went over the top, squeezing the emotional juice out of every possible moment. He took quotes out of context, such as when he used some of the Nixon tapes to distort the fact that Nixon was actually interested in saving money on healthcare dollars, not necessarily in hopes of hurting the po' man. From what I know about HMO's, his portrayal of Kaiser Permanente as one of the A-grade villians in the healthcare game isn't necessarily accurate, as the Kaiser system is generally known to act like a microcosm of what a single-payer national health care system could look like.

Nevertheless, the guy makes some good points. The Cuba scenes, which seem to be the most controversial in the film, are really creatively made. Some of the people's stories are just awful to hear and see, too. What I found most interesting was his portrayals of other country's health care systems. Sure, the conservatives will jump ALL OVER Moore's love of the French, but when I see that Canadians are waiting an hour or less at the ER, the words "rationing care" start to sound like what we experience here in the land of Tom DeLay, not what's going on in other countries where people don't live in fear of getting sick. When I see a London doctor living in a fat London pad, driving a German-made automobile, I don't think about some sort of terrible brain drain that would afflict our medical schools if MD's aren't necessarily pulling upper 6- or low 7-figure salaries. It's a proven fact that we Americans spend more on health care than any other nation, yet we live shorter lives than people from all of these places that have free health care. Sure, blame McDonald's, because they're a big part of the problem, but doesn't our healthcare system deserve the most scrutiny?

By the way, there's NO FUCKING WAY we are getting nationalized health care any time soon.

Happy Weekend

With a newly rejuvenated Mad World thanks to Mister Lister, things are looking pretty good these days. Spending Saturday at former CEO's parents' house in the suburbs, and they're not there! Should be a mightily wasted pool party in clear 70 degree weather, so we might even be able to pretend that we're in LA for a day.

A couple things to note: internet radio is going silent on Tuesday the 26th in protest of higher fees due to drop in a couple of months. Internet radio may go silent forever with the pending cost increases, so please do your part to support them.

Finally, here's a quick look into the Fatah headquarters' torture chamber. This proves a lot of things. (1) The Fatah dudes now in the West Bank who are looting and causing anarchy are douchebags (2) They will blame Israel (3) Yassir Arafat was a terrorist (4) Hamas is certain to pimp out the torture chamber to make it that much worse, and finally (5) These are all things that George Bush and Dick Cheney have as well, so we're all inadvertently no better than any terrorists...Go figure

Greetings

I'd like to say hello and wish a hearty L'Chaim to Adam for inviting me to write my inane complaints on this lovely, lovely little blog he's got here. He and I go way back, back to when we were just stupid kids. It all started at Pokey's Boxing Academy in Canarsie, Brooklyn. We were 2 stupid teenagers, caught up in the usual ghetto diversions of drugs, crime, and skipping school. Then Pokey came into our lives and taught us about hard work, responsibility, discipline, honor, and kicking ass. He was a great man, and he will be missed by all those who were touched by his heart and his faith in the human condition. Just why he was named Pokey nobody knows; word has it he killed the last 2 people who asked.

Anyway, back to me and the owner of this e-stablishment. Through the years I managed to give Adam a few good ass-kickings in and out of the ring; I even managed to knock a few of his teeth out. Once he gave me stitches above my left eye, but we (mostly he) took it in stride, and we're the better for it.

I now find myself in this privileged position, procrastinating at the end of the normal workday, before I can begin to start calling people at their homes and harassing them to help me do the work it is that I do. No, I don't steal from Grannies, but at the moment I find myself with some free time to broadcast my thoughts to the [pathetic] few people reading this.

I'll start with a few lighter topics that aren't covered very much by the MSM -- race and politics. I just figured I'd start out real creatively, and since there is hardly any coverage of these topics in everything else you read, I knew this would be a real catchy way to rope you in. This morning, and every other morning, I read the NYTimes online. There was a good op-ed, which you probably can't read if you're not a TimesSelect member, that said that the Republicans are shooting themselves in the foot by being anti-immigrant. Even Trent Lott, that political wonderboy, came down on the people who want to deport all the Pablos and the Juanitas. The rationale behind the article is that you may want send Pablo and Juanita back to their pueblo in Guadalajara, but they fornicated after that coyote brought them across the border into El Paso, and 9 months later Juanita gave birth to little Manuel. Manuel is now nearing voting age, and he is not about to vote for the Republicans. Sure, Bush wants Manuel to stay so that he can mow lawns for cheap wages, thereby allowing more rich people from Texas to have more money to give to Dubya-related causes, but Georgy Boy is out of step with his party here, so if all goes according to plan then 2008 will be a very good election year for the Dem's. Unless Bloomberg runs, that is, in which case independent-minded Jew Democrats such as myself will waste our votes on some dude that will fuck things up for the Democrats.

(Right there I wanted to say some sort of nickname for the Democrats, but I don't know one besides "Dems". I wish they had some sort of term like GOP that's way catchy. Why, anyway, is it called the GOP? I don't get it. I'm now creating my first giveaway, for which the winner will receive a gift certificate to Nobody Beats the Wiz. Simply email and tell me why the hell it's called the GOP. Easy money, right? Actually, it's just a ploy on my part to get a little action, get the people talkin', about all the wisdom I'm dishing out in my inaugural post.)

Anyway, back to Juanita and Manuel. So I went to the Manu Chao show the other nite here in the Windy City and had a rockin' good time. Besides the fact that I felt he played a good show, I also realized that it was about 100 million degrees in the Aragon Ballroom, one of those cool old venues that was built before anybody had ever heard of AC. It was so hot in there that all of the white boys--and their girlfriends who had never heard of Manu Chao--cleared out of the searing heat in front of the stage. This development led to most of the space being taken up by little Manuel and his other 3,000 or so Latino friends who came out to the show. As I sat there, listening to the music and admiring the fact that I was actually at a show where not EVERYBODY was a white kid who grew up in the suburbs, I too came to the realization that there are lots of little Manuels running around, and even if they're as apathetic as the general American population when it comes to actually voting on election day, they could still be a very important part of the electorate for years to come. Now, many of you will say that the extra cannabis coarsing through my brain at that time caused me to jump to conclusions and start babbling all this crazy talk, and that little Manuel and his buddies probably were illegals who can't vote. There's a chance you may be right, but I'm gonna stick to my guns here. Manu Chao is not running any sort of salsa band that appeals to random Mexicanos from shitty little villages that nobody's ever heard of. This guy is pure Eurotrash, and it takes a certain sort of urban taste and background to dig his sound. My own bloodshot eyes saw little Manuel and his buddies looking more like normal American kids than like dirty immigrants with leprosy, and I hope they vote as soon as they possibly can. Otherwise our government is going to continue to fight the good fight for the people who need it most, like the oil companies.

8 days and Pentagon gays

It's been 8 days, but only upon learning that the Pentagon was trying to make a gay bomb could I return in the middle of such a busy evening of work. I'm not too sure if Rummy was trying to make the world a place full of sinners, therefore further enraging his constituency and provoking them to join the armed forces, or if he was high on meth, but that's really the only thing I could imagine:

Rummy hits the lightbulb meth crack pipe, gets a ragin boner, thinks about how this is what the underground clubs in New York City are known for, and then decides that a bunch of sex starved Arabs would totally go for it. I dare you to come up with another theory other than the fact that Rummy was craving some Cheney one cracked out evening, but seriously this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I believe normal people think of backstage at a fashion show as the only real gay bomb that could ever be pulled off, but this is just really weird.

I'm ashamed I didn't get to write more about the Roger Waters show from a couple weeks ago, but it was beyond amazing and well worth the $95 it cost. Since we're on the subject of gay men in the desert, I'd like to note three risque things that appeared on screen while listening to Dark Side of the Moon:

Jesus having sex, Jesus drinking, and "Mission Accomplished" during the climax of "Us and Them." I was most high and and there was definitely a lot of crazy shit, but those were sticking points. The "Impeach Bush" floating pig was pretty crazy, but I missed that for a bathroom break, but did manage to catch the astronaut floating around the crowd too. Very good stuff...

Flamin Island

Finally enjoying the fruits of my summer share in Fire Island, the place is a sweet little 32 mile long sand dune, with only 2 of the 18 or so neighborhoods actually being "gayborhoods." Other than the fabulous guys on the LIRR, they took a separate bus to the separate (presumably gay) ferry, and the rest of the weekend was straighter than Lindsay Lohan's momentary sobriety.

No one knows where the name Fire Island comes from, but one must assume that quite the debate has raged over whether the chicken or the egg came first in this situation, but really who cares because Fire Island's history is riddled with pirates and that makes for better conversation material, especially when it comes to the topic of gay pirates.

While the weekend was riddled with alcohol and a pleasant beach setting, with last week came the unfortunate news of the end of Slack LaLane. In this digital age we just assume more and more of everything will keep piling on those internets, but in reality a most humorous blog is really just an excuse for funny people not to use pen and paper, and all technology aside, Ace and company seem to dig the John Elway winning a Super Bowl exit versus the Vinny Testaverde defying the age gods exit. Although I guess I made that one up on my own, the comments are riddled with athletic analogies leading me to ponder the question: are there any good analogies relating to comedians out there, or are the highs and lows of an athletic career the ultimate comparison no matter the profession, culminating in a guaranteed retirement circa age 40 rather than just dying a slow death?

There's the possible Adam Sandler, as his comedies seem to now suck if he's not doing drama anyway (just as Testaverde went from playing football to mentoring the better players on the sidelines), but a more glamorous departure from comedy goes to Bill Cosby, who's gone from being the funniest black man in the 80's and 90's to the most critical black man of the new millenium. Is Ace setting himself up to become a pissed off pundit, or is he more like a Dave Chappelle I don't need any more of your goddam money kinda blogger? Has his moment with Fox News gone to the head, or should I agree that it's just become a total Schiavo (borrowed joke) for him not to hang up the track shoes now? Either way, Slack LaLane has been my favorite blog over the past couple of years, and I'm still sorry for throwing up all over Ace's couch 8 years ago back in Evanston, Illinois when I was a visiting younger brother.

The humor has been most offensive and the jokes way better than mine, so a shoutout to a most upsetting (but not disappointing) finish of a most entertaining blog. I guess I've answered my own question now by realizing that continuing his blogging skills in a musical environment over at Hidden Track means that if he didn't have a day job, he'd just be some trust fund hipster baby who tried out comedy, thought it sucks, and then picked up a guitar to continue on his next half-assed attempt of a new venture. But rest assured Ace has been using his whole ass unlike Terri Schiavo's 1/13th of a brain, so I'm sure he will reap the benefits of being a good writer and going to many a live music shindigs.

In these trying times we must not forget others who have also been less fortunate, including Saul Hammerstein's "Annals of a Single Jew" that I have been too lazy to take off of my links section. His male version of Sex and the City has been most enjoyable and is missed, as those are some escapades that most fools cannot put on paper with such suaveness and certainty. To check out his legacy that lives on, catch him over at College Candy

That's all for now

Best Deuce Ever

I'm not referring to last Wednesday's taco night, but rather the only non-Canuck to win the Con Smythe trophy. It's possible some Europeans have actually won it since 1994, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Brian Leetch was the first one to break the French-biased color barrier south of the Northern border, and now my post and heart go out to him.

Sitting out a season was an indicator, but he has finally retired and will forever be a savior for the Broadway Blue Shirts. When dumbass Dolan traded him 3 years ago I remember being most upset, but now I'm glad that there is a conclusion to this matter despite the fact that the Rangers didn't bring him back when they could have.

The fact that The Chief wore a Leetch Jersey says it all, and he will forever be missed from the ice of MSG.