Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I Heart Republicans

It's time like these that I wish I had cable. In general I'm happy not to have it, because I'd probably just watch Sportscenter to the point of royally pissing off my lady friend, not to mention the fact that it's always a good idea to pre-emptively stop her from watching the Lifetime Channel (though I do remember one time when they showed the movie Goodfellas - mull on that). However, right now I REALLY want to see Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert talk about the likes of Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, and former Att. Gen. Alfonzo Gonzalez.

Let's start with Senator Craig, who apparently was picking up some dudes in the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport. All I can say is that the whole description of the scenario is pretty priceless. At least he wasn't picking up dudes in LaGuardia's bathrooms, though, because that would have been disgusting. As the link states, his voting record is firmly anti-gay, and he believes that employers should be able to discriminate based on sexual orientation. Well, he's employed by the people of the great state of Idaho, but his term's up in 2008. We'll see how that one goes.

Ted Haggard has realized that every new beginning leads to some other beginning's end, and is back to school. This link states that Ole Teddy Boy received a severance package worth $138,000 after he was let go from his megachurch when it was discovered that he'd been doing a bunch of meth and having gay sex with a male hooker. Now I don't know about you, but as an econ major I find it a little fishy that a pastor was given $138,000 AFTER doing meth and having gay sex with a male prostitute. Maybe I'm just far removed from the world of Christian Evangelicals, but the incentives they've created seem to be a little out of whack. I'm guessing that gay meth heads all over the country are currently looking for ways to cash in on their evil ways.

3 more comments about the Ted Haggard thing:
1) I love that his wife has chosen to study psychology. That's pretty much saying, "My husband totally fucked up my life, and now I'm trying to figure out how a person can be so freaking hypocritical and creepy. Perhaps if I study the depths of the human psyche I will gain some kernel of understanding of this freak."
2) Ted, whose house is worth $700K, somehow thinks people should donate money to the cause of his education. There are kids starving in Micronesia, and fat kids in Mississippi, and this fucking jack-off thinks people should be devoting their money to him!? This guy is not doing God's work.
3) Teddy, oh Teddy, why do you feel that you would be good at counseling? My cat offers better advice than you, and he's been turning tricks on Skid Row for 8 years. If you were going back to school for something that actually made you employable, something like medical transcription, that would have been a good idea. The world needs more medical transcriptionists; it does not need more counseling from gay Christian meth-heads.

Last but not least, Alberto Gonzales. You'll be missed, buddy. Personally I'd describe you as a giant amongst men. Your former boss pretty much hit the nail on the head, and I'd be remiss not to quote him here:

Our country needs a credible, effective attorney general who can work with Congress on critical issues ranging from immigration to investigating terrorism at home and abroad. Alberto Gonzales’s resignation will finally allow a new attorney general to take on this task. - Senator John Sununu, R-N.H.

Oh wait, that wasn't a quote from W. Well, you get the point.


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