Thursday, September 27, 2007

An Open Letter to the Mets Bullpen

Dear members of the Mets bullpen,

You are G-d awful right now. Are you freaking kidding me? What a choke. Collectively, you are pathetic, and deserve to shoulder most of the blame for the team's late season decline, but I'm going to single out 3 whose offenses I find to be particularly egregious.

Scott Schoeneweis, you are making 3.6 MILLION dollars this season. Your ERA is 5.02, and you have pitched 57.1 crappy innings. Assuming you pitch a couple more crappy innings before this season-ending collapse ends on Sunday, we'll infer 60 crappy innings this season, working out to $60,000 per crappy inning. Thanks a freaking lot. The one thing that might differentiate you from your other sucky bullpen counterparts is that you've been crappy all season long, particularly at Shea Stadium. So thanks for that consistency.

Guillermo Mota, thanks for showing us that steroids really do enhance your performance. Unfortunately, that was last season. Now that you're off the juice, you, too, have sucked a fatty all season long. No matter how you might pitch, I want all the kids out there to remember that dope is for dopes. Don't be a dope.

Billy Wagner, now we move to you. Besides the fact that you blew it at the one Mets game I went to this season--Thurs, June 7, a very special date, Phillies at Mets, you gave up an ill-timed home run to Pat Burrell in the 9th inning, opening the door to a 3-run Phillies 10th and a Mets loss. Our day was RUINED. Later that day at the player's gate Adam told you, "Nice game, pretty boy," and you then spit on him. The spit then ricocheted off his right temple, turned in midair, and hit me in the right hand, causing me to drop my soda--you have really sucked down the stretch. You sucked in last year's playoffs, and this year when it's counted you've sucked some more. Last nite, with the Mets trailing the Nationals in a must-win game, you allowed 2 runs in the 9th, effectively shutting the door on a sweep by one of the worst teams in baseball. Though your season ERA is 2.67, you've sucked when we've needed you to excel. You were given a ridiculously large contract to come through when we've needed you to, and you've done nothing of the sort. You've pitched 67 innings this season, so we'll infer that you'll have pitched 70 by the pathetic end of the 2007 Mets campaign. At a salary of 10.5 MILLION dollars, that comes out to $150,000 per non-clutch inning pitched. Are you freaking kidding me?! Do you have any idea how few of us make less than $150,000 per YEAR, yet come thru in the clutch when our bosses and co-workers need us to?! I'm just sickened.

Please, let the season end right now. I can't bear to watch any more of what is becoming a historic collapse.

Thank you for your time.



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