Too Soon?

Slack mentioned a few costumes that are "too soon" for Halloween, yet sure enough South Park answered his predictions by featuring Steve Irwin with stringray barb coming out of chest, although it was the real Steve Irwin, not a costume. All in all, Satan's super sweet sixteen with Ferrari cake was pretty funny, but doesn't qualify as classic.

The award for "too soon but actually not tasteless enough to be too soon" costume goes to roommate of girlfriend, who mentioned to me last night that she will be attending Saturday's costume party as "Madonna with African Baby," which I think is the perfect blend of racy current events and a la minute satire. Hats off to you Laura.

Perhaps gay couples can outdo her this weekend by dressing as New Jerseyans, with turnpike exit, garbage, and foul odor now accompanying their rights to get married in the armpit of America. If you notice the link to this article, it's travel.nyt....Apparently New Jersey's intentions lie in the potential cash machine of gay tourism, not equality.

Rush Limbaugh could perhaps be Michael J. Fox for Halloween: to shake or not to shake? Or anyone could perhaps just be Rush Limbaugh for Halloween by getting hooked on oxycotin.

Ohio Republicans (being closet gays) have a new infatuation with "Al Franken in diaper," although it turns out the picture to the right is the real one that some gun-toting redneck did up in photoshop. I read on a comments board yesterday that liberals likely have more photoshop experts on their side of the spectrum (agreed) and should fight back. My suggestion is Cheney with S&M torture devices on Bush's nipples (it's Halloween, get in the spirit!)


Having just been to Russia, Vladamir Putin with gun and assasination desires sounds appropriate, but Boris Yeltsin with vodka in hand and mouth is much funnier, although so 1998. You could just be Josef Stalin and purge yourself of all friends for the weekend if you're trying to make this a "different" Halloween weekend.

"Pissed of Muslim" is always a lock, but what is this weeks theme? France! And what are they lighting on fire? Busses! Too bad that falls outside of my bad things to do that I still consider safe realm, so please stick to the Papal effigies theme if you go that route.

As for me, I have chosen the path of "scary guy in Vegas," being that I spent 5 minutes at the low-end costume shop the other day buying a black cape and creepy makeup. Off to Vegoose and the MGM Grand; I am bringing computer but likely not posting, so I will revisit on Wednesday or Thursday. Hopefully I can land a morning buffet at the Wynn, which Nora Ephron claims is to die for, but I also think she was trying to drive business in his direction after feeling bad about witnessing him break a $138 million painting. Guess you could go either way on that one, but I'm going west to the desert.

Locals Doing Their Part

And so the Michigan Columbus outside the lines animosity begins, as Dr. Garnish (also an herb) has alerted me to the following:

Prescott Burgess, stud Michigan D-Back and Ohio native, has been covered on a local news story because the police supposedly have a video tape of him shoplifting CD's at the age of 14 from a local (presumably crappy) Columbus record store. Herb/Garnish sent me some postings about it but they didn't make much sense and I don't know enough about the statute of limitations to inform all you, but it seems that the Columbus fuzz want to arrest him upon his re-entry into the state of Ohio for the big game on 11/18. He can obviously turn himself in before the big game and all, but this is just confusing and seemingly biased (it happened 8 years ago and just surfaces?). This should pan out to be interesting.

Crap

Taxi and Limousine Commission raises fares

Ladies and Gentlemen: Can you recall all those moments when you are running late so you decide that it's a good idea to stick out your arm and wait for an oversized yellow car with a smelly guy on his phone? Can you recall of all those times how often you end up palpitating and ripping your hair out because you realize that if you hadn't been so damn impatient, the subway would have gotten you to your destination a helluva lot faster? Well now to top it all off, instead of paying 20 cents per agonizing minute of moving really freakin slow, you will be paying 40 cents per minute effective sometime this December. You heard it from me, this fare increase should cause you to think three times before getting in that cab, up from the normal two times. Waiting for the subway can be painful, but not moving in a cab that charges you 40 cents per minute of not moving is worse. Cabs that don't move are fairly ineffective, but now they'll be squeezing on your nutties a lil harder than before. Matter of fact, if those cockbags at the MTA have their way and get to cut $20 million in off-peak service yet still offer $50 million in holiday discounts to tourists, then you're pretty much screwed either way.

Happy 21st and the Challenges of Doing Not Much

According to Blogger, this is my 21st posting that will be celebrated tonight with novacaine and joyous cavity filling at a cost of $210. Damn I need to figure out my new dental insurance. Continental Airlines has said that my wait on the phone will be 2 minutes, but 6 minutes later I am still typing to you instead, go figure. It seems that I have a job and a place at this company that I have been unwilling to like for a few months now, as is evident in the massive amount of French food that I was fed during lunch, but I can assure you that your trusty friend here has done nothing but read mediocre journalistic endeavors all day as 6pm rapidly approaches. With that said, I leave you with a quick story and some previously drafted material.

Sometime 8 to 10 months ago people at the once cool company I worked for were talking about drugs (bad). I mentioned that the inventor of LSD had just turned 100, and thus Fun Facts of the Day was born. For several months thereafter I was responsible for providing fun yet dry facts to my coworkers, but in reality all I did was send a list of 15 twice a month. Upon getting bought out at the end of June, I promised one final edition up until the June 28th acquisition, but never came through. Please read below for the 9 I came up with that would cover something like through June 12th or so. On other days when I am in a rush and don't have anything original to say I will provide the rest, but behold...the unpublished basement tapes of FFOD:

The Smithfield Packing Company is a one-million square foot pork processing facility in South Carolina that is the largest in the world

Americans consist of 6% of the world’s population but consume 35% of all resources

Phil Lesh (Grateful Dead bassist) was saved by an organ donor and makes a note of it at every concert he performs in, encouraging others to sign the back of their license

India is home to 23 billionaires, and China is home to 8 billionaires

In 2005, foreign investment in India was approximately $8.4 billion, while it was $72.4 billion in China

Chief Justice John Roberts was not allowed to participate in this year’s trial that challenges the president’s power to order military trials for suspected foreign terrorists held at the Navy prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba because he served on an appeals court panel last year in the very same case.

New York, Portland, Boston, San Francisco, and Seattle are the only cities in the US that are exempt from federal water filtration requirements. However, New York is up for review at the end of 2006, and muddy runoff originating in upstate may require the city to build a filtration plant at a cost of $8 billion

In order to protect its watersheds and control development, New York City has purchased 70,000 acres at a cost of $168 million just over the last decade. As a result, the city pays a property tax of over $100 million every year.

Football Dads rule

If you think that Randy Marsh and Bat Dad didn't have a classic showdown...

Football dad pulls gun on coach to get son in game

As if people weren't already crazy enough, this guy actually thinks his son isn't a loser. If the kid does in fact have the skills to be on the field more, then obviously he's a wise ass shit of a 7 year old [would be my guess]. Being that his dad pulled a gun on the football coach and all, I doubt this kid is some child prodigy that out-witted his coach in a debate about abortion, so I'm sticking with the he sucks at football/is a punk ass explanation. Football dads, you guys are friggin crazy. Archie Manning is a successful football dad but in my mind still a nut who can't produce a super bowl winner. [Photo courtesy of South Park Studios, which now holds a place in my heart next to mary jane, sleeping in, and cheese fries]

Other crazy sports stories of course lead back to the piece of turd on Kenny Roger's Roasters hand last night, which no one including Tony LaRussa seemed to give a crap about, but which did make the front page of ESPN.com today. Those guys never let me down in trumping up a whole load of crap. Suspicious? Yes, but again, who cares. If he is in fact cheating, then that puts him in the same boat as about half the sluggers in baseball anyway, so really, who gives a turd [on Kenny Roger's hand]?

Michigan Football did it again this weekend and now has 3 sub-500 teams remaining before the battle in Columbus. Since I am lucky enough to be attending this year's festivities and am not paying $1000 for the ticket, I hope to hype this one up as much as a rainy day at Six Flags in which none of the white trash shows up but all the rides are still running. Courtesy of the tall guy with curly hair, his favorite Atlanta Hawks journalist had this to say about those ass clowns in Columbus:

How else to explain sending yours truly to Columbus, Ohio, for a weekend exhibition game? You don’t know mental anguish until you spend a couple days in the lair of your most despised enemy. I know those are strong words. But when it comes to me and the humans that call themselves fans of The Ohio State University, that’s the way it has to be... I’d root for Lucifer’s All-Stars against the Buckeyes. For real. Not only did I have to contribute to the Columbus economy this weekend, I even trudged into the Horseshoe for a couple hours to view the Buckeyes’ demolition of Indiana.

So there you have it, and I go home now.

Sorrow...

...Is what I feel after last night's devastating loss by the Mets to the Cards. Actually I'm most upset that Yankee's fans feel some sense of jubilation. Beltran certainly should not have gone down looking, but I'm sure Mike and Mad Dog will have plenty to say about it today, so I'll leave the guy alone. Being a TV and cable free individual, it's not like I followed them enough this summer to deserve having my input listened to anyway. All in all, Carlos did singlehandedly win game 1 with his 2 run homer, but it was obviously a let down from his Cardinal killing playoff debut with the Stros a couple years back. Slack also points out a couple possible managing blunders by my main man Willie, but again I think most Mets fans are devasted for a day or two but overall pleased with the season and the prospects about the next few years. If you don't believe me, the NYTimes seems to be licking Omar Minaya's balls, but I can't find the article from this morning. For me it's full concentration on the Wolverines and maybe if I get cable after moving in to my new apartment in a month or two I can follow the Rangers like a true fan.

I've come across a couple things today that seem to be getting the best of me. Firstly, at what point did the US become the first place in the world and ever in humanity to make obesity a problem of the poor? Before we came around, poor people used to scavenge for food and beat the crap out of each other for any sort of nutrition all while Caesar would gorge his fat ass (like in History of the World Part I). Now McDonalds has solved that problem but it just does not make sense to me.

Secondly, all it takes is like 4 assholes on one block to shit up the entire thing. Don't have a dogwalker, don't have a conscience?...then just let your dog shit all over the sidewalk and not clean it up because you are too stupid and lazy! Fuckin assholes, I actually haven't even stepped in crap for at least 8 months, but these dickbags in Williamsburg with their big dogs make walking more like dodging land mines. Manhattan is way more condensed and has way fewer turds per square block, I think the city needs to crack down on this, just like they do awnings that are too big and all the other crap that no one cares about. I assure you many people care about stepping in crap. Alright, my battery is dying and so are my thoughts. Have a good weekend, go Blue.

"The Horror..."

What might I be referring to? The Met's World Series hopes on the line? Kim Jong Il? ManBearPig as the single greatest threat to our existence? The fact that two weeks ago at work I was told that "next Thursday" would be the day they'd tell me what my job is ("next Thursday" was officially six days ago)? Or am I simply referring to the fact that Apocalypse Now is one kick ass movie? PS the extra scenes in Redux are outstanding, but did Coppola really feel the need to change the order of some of the original film?

Well I must say that pretty much all of the above unsettles the Suzie's Chinese Food in my belly from last night, but thanks to a co-worker who also doesn't know what his job is, I stumbled upon this and have decided that I don't really need a job (therefore I will continue to blog all day) if only half of this crap is true. My friends, Peak Oil is upon us, and a man by the name of Matt Savinar wants us all to know what life after the oil crash will consist of blackouts, riots, wars, and of course...zombies. I'm only 2/3 of the way through this essay and have crapped me panties a couple of times now. Perhaps the scariest notion is that George W. Bush has outsmarted us all and is an environmentalist in disguise, not a brush clearing cowboy:

For what it's worth, Bush's Crawford ranch is completely off-the-grid and equipped with the latest in energy saving and renewable power systems. It has been described as an "environmentalist's dream home."

Actually what scares me more is the fact that Cheney has six year old girls that are obsessed with him, but I guess that's to be expected in Kansas. Unfortunately no one has done anything too stupid today so all I can do is scare yous into buying a hybrid or inventing alternative energy sources all by your lonesome selves.

The last game 6 played at Shea Stadium was against the Red Sox in 86, so I'm fairly optimistic for tonight knowing that.

300 million minus a Snipes

So the population of the US has officially hit 300 million jackasses, but chances are that the guy frying up your eggs a couple of years ago was the real 300 who continues to get no love.

On a more ridiculous note, streaming CNN International over office bandwidth has allowed me to learn that actor Wesley Snipes has been indicted on 8 charges of federal tax evasion. ***Update, here's a link*** I'm still lacking a link or a story to this, but stay tuned, as he be Passenger 57 on the next van entering the torture chambers of the White House where a Murder at 1600 may very well occur. Come to think of it, I hear that there are many dangerous Blade weilding foes in prison, where he is certain to see no Rising Sun in the depths of his solitary confinement. This is a Major League fuck up that may leave him with no more Money Train after the U.S. Marshalls are finished with his Sugar Hill. I hope he's got Jungle Fever in prison after doing The Waterdance Down in the Delta.

I really wish I could incorporate Demolition Man into this because it is by far the most stand out performance of the brilliant career of Mr. Snipes, but I must thank IMDb for help on the last sentence. Looks like John "Q Law" Spartan caught up to him this time. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar - I'm out.

Football teams with "queer" fans are damn good - Ironic

Ok, so my smugness as a Michigan fan is reigning supreme. Our crowd is 110k strong at the Big House, yet the noise factor is more like the current crowd at Yankee Stadium (zing). I wanted Coach Carr's head on a platter last year, yet now he's probably the coolest person ever. The team wins but the fans are babies - finally after 7 years as a Wolverines fan I think I've figured it out - the only alternative option to being smug and never happy is to be the white trash that I encountered just 48 hours ago in Happy Valley. I choose the former, while the latter influenced me to be even more smug. As Gerald Broflovski would say...THAAAANNKS!

Ohio State and Michigan, the two Big Ten superpowers. Love to hate them and love to hate each other, but people from Columbus express their hatred through spitting, throwing full cans of beer at Michigan fans' heads (only white trash wastes cheap beer on aiming for the brains of others), and even calling my friend's girlfriend a liberal Kerry fag just two weeks after the rednecks had already taken the 2004 election [in the most contentious state]. Fast forward nearly two years to State College, PA, and I must say my hopes were much higher than what they will be on November 18 when I go to Columbus for possibly the greatest UM OSU classic of all time (still gotta keep the fingers crossed for battle of the undefeateds).

Anyway, back to warming up for Columbus rather than feeling welcomed for a gridiron classic. "Ann Arbor is a whore" shirts were rampant, but one "Buy a Vowel" Zryb pointed out after the game that she's "the best lay ever," or perhaps maybe just "the classiest whore in the Big Ten," and last I checked classy whores cost a lot of money, so pay up you Penn State cockbags, cause Lady Ann has thoroughly fucked your brains out.

(photo courtesy of MGoBlog, and yes I'd say this dude be fucked)

My other friends had pleasant experiences with their seating rivals, but after just the first play one fat white trash mofo grabbed me and exclaimed that "[I'd] better sit down if I want to leave Beaver Stadium alive," to which I would have liked to respond, "not before your trailer gets burnt to the ground," but from which I wisely refrained. Another even fatter white man yelled at me for dropping an f-bomb after the killer touchdown from Henne to Adrian Arrington, for which I was required to apologize to his unattractive wife, not the 7 year old sitting two rows in front of me. Just moments later these double-standardizing Rtards were swearing away due to a lack of brain cells and social skills, which left me feeling none too happy. The one guy who mightve saved me from sheer pummelling did it only to boost his low self esteem and intent to patronize me for being a city slicker Michigan fan, and I was also none too happy with having to step over his spittoon pile every time LRod and I chose to make it to the aisle. I'll give these ass lickers credit for subduing a most annoying Michigan fan, but unfortunately that was the only pride that they wore as they left Beaver Stadium in a stupified haze accompanied by fuzzies in riot gear whose presence were not required.

I held out hope that some of Michigan's other rivals' fans are not high-end douches, but they have proven me wrong. Although students are often less vicious than their local counterparts, I was called every derogatory homo-bashing word that you could think of while patroling the student zone before the game with my girlfriend's hand in mine. That's not too bright if you ask me, but they did seem to keep the threats of violence on the shelf for their dumbass local fan base to exploit. Bravo PSU students, but as we Wolveriners say, "We Own, Penn State." Better luck in the next life and I may make a trip to that classy whore Ann Arbor to return the favor next year, or perhaps just to show off how much better I think my favorite college football team is, not how big a dickbag I can be to you. To all you people that think I'm an asshole after reading this column, you either already knew that or totally feel me on where I'm coming from. Cheers.

One much appreciated student comment came from bitter herb's younger sister's roommate, who declared the morning after that she felt "second-hand embarassment" when the Nittany Lion danced to Men in Black during the game. Tooshay bitter herb's younger sister's roomate, tooshay.

And by the way, why can't these rabid fans just leave the violence to the man-eating football players on the field, as Larry Coker and company so eloquently displayed on Saturday? Notice the thugged out pro-Miami announcer, I think someone should suspend his black ass for encouraging that (although nothing entertains me like violence on the playing surface).

Those Amazins...

They just keep on blowing my mind. Speaking of blowing, this is a very possibly coked out and/or homo-erotic team video from 86. I'd imagine today's version would be slightly less gay with some more merengue.

Off to Happy Valley for the weekend where the Wolverines will hopefully still pull it off without Super Mario Manningham. Could be trouble, just like what JoePa did to those Fuckeyes when they rolled into Beaver Stadium without a loss last year. Come to think of it, Michigan had such a nasty win with no time left last year, that this is way more massive than I was understanding just moments ago. 8pm game in conjunction with my 2pm arrival should equal one nasty drunk Michigan fan who will need multiple visits to the urinal. I will be returning on Monday and hopefully it will be in a blaze of victory glory. I try not to let sports rule my life and control the beating of my heart, but this is a damn crazy important weekend in my world of fandom.

Mel Gibson Apologizes

Alright Mel! Sucking your liver dry of the sweet sweet booze has also caused you to stop disliking Jews. Is there anything rehab can't do for you? I still feel bad for the guy because he rips on Jews and now has to not have fun, but hey that's the price you pay for speaking poorly about the people who run the industry you work in. But I do wonder what would have happened if he started saying bad things about another group of people (except for pissed off Muslims who would obviously just do emotionally pissed off things). And how come he blamed it all on alcohol? Certainly the [some might say] aggressive war fought by Israel in Lebanon and the ensuing volatile global conditions caused him to be concerned for his children, but I guess that theory isn't ready for the masses. Mel, I think you're an anti-semite and I don't believe you, but I feel really bad that we will never be able to kick back a few next time I'm on the PCH and that you will have to start doing hard drugs to enjoy yourself (they're dangerous at your age). You knocked on the wrong group of people...

Cory Lidle is Muslim?

Alright I didn't make that one up, but the tasteless humor on the issue has been both hilarious and wrong. For the source of my unoriginal comment, check out the comments board over at Slack.

When I was watching Mike and the Mad Dog hold a funeral procession yesterday, Mad Dog actually suggested that they cancel last night's Mets game. I mean c'mon. The tears were real, but do we really need the Yankees stealing the spotlight once again? Mother nature took care of that problem anyway, but the Tigers still had to play (and kick ass). Rumor has it that he and Mike tore into Lidle just 2 days before, but I don't think that their personal guilt should affect their decision making. PS I'm still convinced that ESPN booby trapped his plane so they could have something to talk about for the rest of the weekend.

I've been so excited since reading this story that I've forgotten to mention it.

Marijuana may help stave off Alzheimer’s

I might not be able to remember your name today, but apparently in 50 years I will have the ability to remember your name. It's all about balance my friends, for if you exert yourself too much today then you will possibly burn out.

Who the fuck is this guy anyway? Was he really once the surgeon general of this great country? Is that beard for real? And why the fuck would anybody want to trust him? He seems like the surgeon general who refused to put warning labels on cigarettes cause he thought they were good for you. And his beard definitely looks fake

Eloped

Doesn't that word sound more like what a kangaroo does when it jumps? Well it does not mean that, but instead refers to what my friend did this past weekend, marking the first time that I have seen a non-family member or non-family friend get married. Yes, my friends, me the bumbly 24 year old now and for the first time ever has a close friend engaged in wedlock. Other than the current size of my stomach from the massive amounts of food and booze all weekend I don't actually think that much has changed with me, thankfully. I guess it doesn't really surprise me, but I was fearful of waking up with no hair and a lack of erection, so I'm happy to report that my friend getting married doesn't seem to affect my sorry state of existence.

Di and Jon, I am most happy for you two and jealous that you are currently on a beach in Aruba. Other things that make me happy these days: Lets see...Darryl Strawberry will be throwing out the first pitch of tomorrow's NLCS, and that is pretty friggin awesome. Rumor has it that a nasty (meaning good) shipment of blow is circulating around this crazy city, and I have a feeling that my main man Darryl might be down for some socializing. OK that's a stretch, but my guess is that he's already got his hands wrapped around that one. Speaking of Mets and joy, said wedding on Saturday night consisted of quality food, top shelf booze, the Yankees and Gay-Rod disintegrating, and the Mets whoopin some laid back LA ass.

All this was happening while I was enjoying the confines of cocktail hour with non other than Chris "Mad Dog" Russo, although I was not pain in the ass enough to bother him and talk baseball, unlike so many others around me. Reminds me of the time I met Chelsea Clinton at Solas a year ago and pretended like I didn't know who she was. I guess that's just as dumb a move as being annoying because she could smell the transparency during our conversation, but I still maintain my pride in not harrassing celebrities. It was pretty easy with Chelsea cause I would much rather sleep with her father than her anyway, so there were none of those saucy intentions in my mingling, just standard awe of the fact that her dad is the smoothest person to walk the face of the planet. Does Chelsea feel honored when she gets in a cab because two neighborhoods on Manhattan's West Side are named after her? (Despite the fact that one of them is truly Hell's Kitchen)

I can't believe Denny Hastert held a press conference earlier today with a cemetery in the background, this guy really isn't too smart if you ask me and I'd even suspect him of sweating male children if he didn't look like a senior version of Peter Griffin.

Some Cheese, Some Surrender, No More Smokes

I start you off today with an angry former schoolboy Frenchman:

“'I’ll end my life where I started it — in the men’s room,' said Jean-Pierre Balligand, a lawmaker from eastern France. 'I started smoking like every other schoolboy, in the toilets of my junior high school. And that’s where I’ll end up, in the toilets of the National Assembly, while the school principal, Mr. Debré, screams at us for smoking.'"

This is indeed a French politician claiming that he will be smoking cigs on the crapper, just like when he was 12 because he is not allowed to do it in public. I too was once very anti-smoking ban, that damn Mike Bloomberg (for president?) thought he could tell me what's good for me and what's not and when and where I could be doing these things to myself. However, after getting over my stubbornness about being told what to do, I am a full supporter of the non-douchebag Republican mayor and his health initiatives. Next up on the agenda, trans-fat, although this initiative arguably wasn't trumpeted by the mayor himself, just his board of health.

Either way, anyone willing to take on fat people who smell like non-Americans (fact: foreigners hate deodorant), take up more than their fair share of my seat on all forms of transportation, take up more than half of the sidewalk on narrow side streets, and who worship the Big Mac, well that's just fine with me. I now say full steam ahead with public health initiatives that get gross people to be slightly less gross for the benefit of the normal public.

Now, back to this pissed off French guy. First off, I'd like to congratulate him for smoking in the toilet and not having cyber sex like some crazy American politicians. Secondly, I do feel for him, but obviously I am no longer on his side as explained above. Thirdly, does he really expect to die on the shitter while smoking a cigarette? Anyone with that grim an outlook on the end of their life surely shouldn't have an opinion that counts. He very well could be smoking a cigarette on the beach during a nice warm summer day with a cool ocean breeze, but apparently he chooses to play the Frenchy and of course cry about this in the most crybaby like way. New Yorkers at least seemed intrinsically pissed off when the smoking ban took effect in 2003, but Frenchies are intrinsically being giant pussies about it, which I guess comes as no surprise.

And fourthly, when this guy was 12 should he really have been smoking cigarettes? I'm sure that some of the reason why he is such a vagina has to do with the fact that in junior high school he was stunting his growth and development as a tobacco sucking froggy. Behave like it's your right to smoke where you want as an adult, but don't bring in the "when I was 12" argument like it should apply to your current life. Maybe if Frenchies didn't smoke at the age of 12 they wouldn't find it such a public health crisis that they need to address in the first place. To the Frenchies: I feel your pain but you are major giant stubborn pussies so I dont really care that you are once again surrending.

You Gotta Believe

Actually, as a more cynical/pessimist type, I often don't believe in those wonders in pinstripes, but you can't help but love the Mets right now after a nice scrappy victory at Shea yesterday. I'm even putting off moving for another day so I can instead watch them on the HD and spend another night saying that I'm freeloading off the girlfriend.

This Congressional scandal is officially boring and even another fabricated TO OD story would entertain me more than Republicans having cyber sex with young boys during the actual legislative process that makes this country so great. Supposedly moron in chief is big on fart jokes, think he has this game to distract him from the fact that he is uglier than your ugly step-child?

Speaking of TO OD, my latest conspiracy theory points to my sneaking suspicion that ESPN has hired a bunch of page-turner novel writers to come up with the shit that they talk about all day long. Even if what they are talking about actually happened, it smells like some stinky, fishy fictional writers are behind the script while jacking off Stuart Scott and whatever other douchebags get off on sports drama way too easily.

Speaking of jacking off, the grand Ayatollah says that masturbating during Ramadan is bad. I didn't eat for one friggin day during sunlight on Monday because I'm Jewish, myself and all my friends can't stop complaining about it...meanwhile Muslims can't eat during daylight for an entire month (at least it's after the equinox), they don't seem to complain about not eating (just about everything else though, especially that Infidel mofo the Pope), and now they can't jack off on top of it. They need to better prioritize their complaining if you ask me.

Something else was itching the noggin but I guess it will have to wait til tomorrow. Off to pick up my first ever tux

Foley, Nebraska, Hippies...beats me

Since this Foley guy was first outed on Friday for hitting on teenage boy staffers, it turns out he's an alcoholic and was molested by a clergyman when he was younger...If only I believed the guy. When people get drunk their inner emotions come out, but they don't automatically convert their inner-emotions to wanting young boys. This guy's obviously already got a member ID card for NAMBLA, yet he blames good ole truth serum. This makes less sense than Mel Gibson going to rehab for dissing on Jews, but at least he was drunk when he did thy bidding. PS, since when are there Jewish cops anyway? Ironic that Mr. Gibson found one to berate, although he was in Malibu. Perhaps the Pope requires some alcohol rehab for dissing on Muslims? Damn drunken assholes.

I saw a girl wearing a t-shirt last week that said "Not Everything in Nebraska is Flat." I guess she gets some kudos for wearing it, but whoever created the shirt gets my award for most clever random t-shirt in awhile. I guess even Nebraskans can dig deep for their pride, or maybe that pride was being worn right on the surface and therefore no digging was done?

I saw STS9 last weekend and I've decided that I really hate hippies. I know that authentic hippies are pretty cool, but except for real 60's hippies and their direct descendants, all the hippies I see out there are just fake hippies that eat too much ecstacy and piss me off, thus diluting the pool of true hippy talent. The real ones have all aged gracefully and are not really in the mainstream anymore, especially on a Saturday night in Times Square (did I mention how much I hate Times Square?). South Park has quite the influence over my life (new episode tonight woohoo!), and it's possible that Eric Cartman has convinced me to hate the hippies that I once so revered, but seriously I would take a Richard Nixon like approach to this new breed of rabble rousers if given the chance. Instead of gathering in public to protest the Iraq war, they now gather over the internet to discuss last night's bass-line, see who has the better quality version of the show from last month, and discuss who ate the purest MDMA and which ass-clown in costume was selling it so they know whom to look out for when they get together tomorrow night.

As an aside, I might be going a little far, as the Nokia Theatre in Times Square on a Saturday night did have its fair share of metropolitan-area douchebag high schoolers. I was once one myself and thankfully I had New York to go to, but truthfully this crowd of lowlifes offers nothing positive to the benefit of the general public. All these types aside, neo-hippy trash has got to chill out. I was initially upset by the lack of hippy music at this year's Vegoose Festival that I will once again be attending, but after my experience on Saturday, good riddance to them and a nice warm welcome to this years attendees.

I say we now all jump on the bandwagon and scream for Denny Hastert's head on a platter. Good day to you all and don't forget to do only humorous and non-offensive things the next time you decide to drink: save the offensive things for when you are sober so that you at least have a scapegoat sealed in a 750ml bottle