Friday, July 06, 2007

The Midwest is Bland

So I hadn't posted anything for a while, but as soon as I saw that Adam posted something, I had to grab the spotlight and shine it back upon myself. I think that says volumes about my character and is more than kind of pathetic, especially because I don't think anybody actually reads this blog. First, though, a couple remarks to piggy-back on Adam's insights about Strong Island:

1) Long Island blows. How the hell my father managed to grow up there and make it out without being severely fucked up in the head, I am still unsure.

2) L.I. greaseballs, whose behavioral patterns were ever so vividly portrayed in the post below, are some of the dregs of the Earth. I'd put them right up there with those wannabe Redneck Texas douchebags who are from suburbs of Dallas and have never roped a steer in their life, yet proudly emblazon their bodies and unnecessary pickup trucks with "Don't Mess With Texas" paraphernalia.

People such as those mentioned above make me glad I live in the Midwest. Bland though it is, it is generally devoid of the kinds of people that make you realize just why the terrorists hate us. Chicagoans in general are a happy lot, paying comparably cheap rent to live in adequately-sized apartments, all while Da Mayor rules da city with an iron fist, just as his Dad did and just as future generations of Daleys are sure to do for centuries to come.

A funny sidebar on why you have to love Mayor Daley even though he is so corrupt. He just ran for re-election for the 47th time, winning handily, yet on some of his campaign placards and on some of the city websites and promotional materials he continues to use a photo of him from way back in the day, circa the time when Laura told George that be better find Jesus and lay off the sauce. I mean, the guy's 65 years old, pretty much totally gray, and all his photos show this spry guy with a full head of dark hair. The best part, he totally thinks it's legit, and nobody here in the press or general population seems to give him shit about it.

One thing that Mayor Daley and the CPD have made abundantly clear is that unlike the NYPD, they could care less about noise violations, particularly in the form of fireworks. It's legal to buy fireworks in Indiana and Wisconsin, both an hour or less away by car, and the people of Chicago have made apparently made it a priority to shower the good pyrotechnics merchants of neighboring states with fistfuls of dollars. In my neighborhood the entire week leading up to July 4th was pretty much a free-for-all of fireworks displays, with Wednesday nite being the grand finale. It all culminated around 9pm with me lying out on the grassy area outside my apartment watching 2 semi-professional fireworks shows within a couple blocks of my building, with other shows rumbling not far off in the distance. At one point a dud firework landed on the street (which wasn't closed, because all of this is being done by regular people shooting off their personal caches) right next to where it had been lit, exploding right near some passing cars. Had those cars been just a little closer to the action, we really would have had a show...

Unlike Chicagoans, however, people from greater Illinois are pretty much schwag-o. In truth, this state has little to offer besides the Windy City (i.e. Decatur, Peoria, Springfield, Aurora, practically no natural beauty or topography, etc.), and people from Illinois land somewhere outside the realm of jolly fat upper-Midwesterners (see Wisconsin, Minnesota), but not as country or charming as Southerners. It thus makes this state pretty trashy, with accents that are neither funny nor appealing, which I guess makes it comparable to Indiana or Ohio.

Well, now that I've offended people from most regions of the country, I think this post is pretty much complete. Check back soon for an explanation on why Hawaiians are Spam-eating cretins, how the WASP's of New England resisted becoming Africanized, and how the West is one big rotting cesspool, despite the dearth of adequate water supplies.

I'm off to be a huge loser, doing homework this weekend. The class I'm taking is my last before I get my Master's (in something that is probably useless), and although for the past couple weeks I've been pretty accepting of the fact that yes, it sucks, but it's my last class so I can't complain, I've now entered reality and have realized that it's summer, I'd rather be having fun, but instead I'll be crying myself to sleep after having written essays about government budgeting for an entire weekend. Yes, I'm that cool.


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