Friday, July 06, 2007


A big sigh of relief as I find myself at my desk for the first time in a week, after taking a whopping zero days of vacation. I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but when I'm inter-island hopping I'm barbecuing which is a hell of a lot more summer-like than eating French Toast.

For those of you who got that lame take on Hello Nasty, those boys from Brooklyn are quite a reprieve after having a few too many brushes with Long Island while enjoying my share in Fire Island. Fire Island is certainly not the Hamptons, which means it's a little more low-key and has fewer dudes insisting that their biceps are larger than yours, but I guess the Fourth of July brings out the worst in this country, as my quiet beach retreat was turning into a blue-collar Long Island festival just as I was leaving Tuesday evening.

I hate sounding like a snot and have nothing but love for the middle class (not to mention the fact that my income is about the same as theirs', so I guess I am a part of this bunch), but how on earth do po-dunk Long Islanders manage to look and act like they've spent all their income on clothing, hair gel, and cologne/perfume? I thought people respect the middle class because they're modest, but not these New York types.

I'm not too sure where I'm going with this, other than the fact that Strong Island meatheads amaze me. As LRod noted "they're already wearing heels," as in the meatheads' honeys were already in short skirts and high heels when getting off of the freakin ferry. When's the last time you wore a suit and tie on a plane because you're flying in for your friend's wedding (and yes I've worn my suit on a plane to keep it from wrinkling in the suitcase, but you know what I'm saying)?

Anyway, my decision to leave Fire Island as it was getting invaded by meathead patriots that still like George Bush was a good one, as LRod and I were one of 4 people getting on the ferry to go back to the "mainland."

Mainland? That's right, Long Islanders are so insular that they actually refer to Long Island as the "mainland" when discussing it in conversation on Fire Island. "Yo Joey, Vinny here, we got more brewskies coming on da freight from da maynland tomorrow." "Yo Vinny sweet bra we're gonna F so many bitches drinkin our beer as we watch dose mainland firewoooooks tomorra." Perhaps we city slickers are no better referring to New York as "the city," but at least it is the main city and the term does not invoke a geographical supremacy that is in fact a non-truth, unless of course speaking of da Bronx, but da Bronx is da Bronx, and they don't want to be part of any mainland.

I don't know why I'm complaining so much either, because I had an awesome time and managed to beach it up 100% against the flow of the mainland tourist masses, so it was quite the success and I spent minimal time racking my brain with today's current banter. I guess I just can't get over meatheads in general, and despite the fact that they invade the city on weekends, I certainly never come into such close contact with them as I did this past week. I think anthropologists need to expand their doctoral programs to study the local evolution of meatheads in the NY metropolitan area, kind of like the black squirrels with major chutzpah that roam around in Stuy Town.

Now that Coors Light officially tastes like water to me (even moreso than during college) I'm glad that another weekend is rolling around and that I've already expended my 4th of July patriotism as others try and soak it up for a second straight weekend (perhaps their first try).

I haven't done a lick of real actual work today and can only wish that I was somewhere near this toilet metropolis in China. 1000 toilets over 32,000 square feet, Egyptian facades, open-air options with no ceiling, alligator mouth urinals, they seriously thought of every mood someone could possibly be in when needing to take a dump, and I give them many kudos for thinking of us non-religious people who consider time in the John as time in a house of worship. I only wish they consulted me before building this marvelous wonder, but just knowing how funny those focus group meetings must have been is pretty awesome enough that I'm cool with that.


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