Mr. Gerald Ford

While my interest in history has always prevailed over such things as doing anything at work (like today), I can't say I knew much about the recently deceased #38. I remember his school of public policy in Ann Arbor that is creepily close to the Frieze Building and the fact that he was on the Wolverine Football team.

I seem to have read that he was on the team for two national championships in 1932 and 33, but why are all the stories of him on the football team about how bad they were during his tenure? Either way, losing Bo Schembechler wasn't enough to beat the Fuckeyes on their home turf, but hopefully Bo + Gerald = sweet sweet victory come January 1. I know Mr. Ford has other accomplishments like being president under his belt, while Bo lived and breathed UM football, but given the BCS controversy plus the fact that the Rose Bowl is pretty much USC home turf, we need #38 to be focused on the big game while living high up in the sky at least for the next 5 days. Fiscal irresponsibility and invading foreign nations should be put on halt, as Decider in Chief has decided to do so anyway. I just hope that a seemingly less incompetent Republican predecessor of Decider #43 can get his priorities straight come this new year so that we can see a rare UM Rose Bowl victory in the midst of a most controversial BCS season.

This guy actually seems a bit like Reagan minus the right wing and/or GDubs minus the retardation, so my bet is that big Jerry (who by the way set a record for longest living president) has got it all figured out.

PS, haven't I done a pretty good job of not being political since the Dems took Congress? Well, maybe there's only a half truth to that, but come Jan 4 or whatever it is that these governmental losers get to not work while normal people do work, I'm sure that Negative Nancy Pelosi will be rife with idiocy and disappointment right from the starting gate (actually she already has done that), which will hopefully spur me into dropping my membership from the Democratic Party and becoming an independent in light of the fact that I think our two party system is almost as dumb as our president. I'm not very convinced that just because the Dems barely took Congress that all the redneck patriotism is a thing of the past, so hopefully the Whigs or Federalists can be reborn and come save the day while executing Karl Rove under the same gallows as Saddam Hussein.

PPS, do we really need to see Saddam hanged? Why is anyone even thinking about airing the tape of this? Haven't public executions been banned because only countries that hate us for our freedom still do that? Why do we need a snuff film of some murderous tyrant (who killed less people than the current instability in Iraq now reaps) dying?

If I don't get to anymore thoughts til after the New Year, GO BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My wishes for Tressel and Meyer to have simultaneous heart attacks in a pre game ass ramming accident are still alive and well - that would be funny, although I guess we have until Jan 8 to ponder that craziness.

Go Blue and a Merry New Year.

Unpacking surprises

So after a long battle with the life of living as a nomad, my world is finally settling down and I plan on doing all sorts of organizational activities, including counting the 7 remaining socks I have and buying more, and most importantly, going through all that crap that I simply threw in boxes 4 months ago.

Uncovering the greatest treasure/treat/Hanukkah gift of them all, I unearthed a paycheck from August 31st from before the days of having direct deposit. After confirming with payroll today, the check is barely still valid, but I am $1100 richer than I previously thought and feel like a new man once again. Had I not been such a bum for the past few months, this holiday surprise would not have been possible. Special thanks to LRod for making this ridiculousness happen, for my boxes and myself would have otherwise been sleeping in newspapers on the street, which would have certainly made that paycheck disappear.

The fake wall has been put up, the apartment is looking finalized, and now I have more money than I thought which can now be spent on making my life pretty. For anyone interested in 48" of Super Smash Brothers, don't be shy or hesitate to call my richer than I thought ass that will be planted on couch of garnish.

I wish I had more to share other than my personal gains, but learning about Stuy Town and eventually moving to it have in fact taught me a few lessons in demographics during this holiday season of "caring" about others and buying presents for ourselves. Of all the responses I've heard from people when I mention Stuy town ("That place is a ghetto," "That place is all families," "That place is all old people"), none have proven true. In reality, Stuy Town is a collection of all these stereotypes, as myself and Gleg have moved next door to the old lady who has been there for 40 years, with random Spanish guy who has been there for awhile as well just two doors down. A fight broke out in front of my building the other night, so I guess ghetto remains as well, while my upstairs neighbors seem to have dogs and/or children that run around and make freaky noises on their floor/my ceiling when I am at home in the middle of the day. I have not heard, "that place is all NYU and twenty somethings," but that demographic also remains strong as the landlord renovates these spaces out of everybody's price range except for the eager young people who don't yet care that half of their livelihood is used to pay rent (or parents' money if you are a student).

Lesson learned: Don't judge a former housing project by its cover, as many chapters within reveal varying degrees of individuals and people who live under various tiers of rent control.

XMas Moving

Surviving a move riddled with multiple stops across the metropolitan area in a 14 foot UHaul was littered with its challenges, but none more so than the 48 inch TV in my parents' basement in Westchester. After nearly breaking my finger as it was lodged between said TV and the cement staircase, Gleg and I decided to pull the UHaul around to the backyard in an effort to avoid having to carry it another 75 feet. Plan B was a success despite tearing up some beautiful blades of grass, and we were well on our way.

After a couchal pick up from the residence of the parental Garnishes, I was given my first tour of Paramus, New Jersey on our way back to the city. Little did I know that Paramus is literally an endless strip mall with a highway containing a 55 mph speed limit running right through the middle. I sure hope I never live there.

My greatest concern the evening before was the notion of driving a truck in the warzone that is Manhattan driving, but much to my surprise it was the greatest power trip I've experienced in the past several months. To anyone who has been pissed off or irritated by the demeanor of a Manhattan cabby, I highly recommend renting a truck and asking them to step up to the challenge. For the first time in my life, I was honking at these non Christmas celebrating Easterners in an offensive (not defensive) manner. Usually the horn is for getting these mofos to acknowledge my presence and to please wait two and a half additional yards before cutting me off, but this time around I was honking at them and flooring the gas pedal in an effort to beat them at their own game...And what a success it was. Although we'd all be much safer if we drove cars like maniacs rather than trucks, the rules of the road around here dictate that the only way to get what you want when up against a cabby is to actually make them fear you; and I have finally figured out that the threat of a truck running into their boss' cab is indeed enough to get them to not fuck with you.

All things considered, this prized UHaul soon became a pain in the rear end. Deciding that we needed to keep it an extra day, Gleg, LRod, and I decided that rather than searching for a space in Manhattan large enough to accomodate the beast, we shadily ditched it in Williamsburg directly under the bridge in a most terrorist truck bomb looking manner that I could have come up with. Come the next morning, not a vagrant found it too tempting to urinate in and not a cop deemed it sketchy enough, so we were well on our way. Too bad the morons at UHaul didnt tell us they were closing early, so when we tried to ditch it, I begrudgingly had to scare a few more cars on the road and bring it all the way to the lot in Riverdale.

In the end I both love and hate the UHaul, but pretty much had no option other than to deal with their bullshit and the annoyance of driving a monster around town. Having not seen my apartment because I was out of town for the lease signing, it was pleasant to know that despite being the last building in Stuy Town all the way by Avenue C, I have been spared with a view of 14th Street rather than one of the power plant just next door. For the next 11 months, myself and Gleg will be the proud dwellers of an apartment large enough to accommodate the chilling of friends as well as the cooking of food in a real kitchen with a dishwasher. Come on by when you have a chance and Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays.

Boring

I don't know if it's my job that's boring or everything else going on around me, but this certainly merits taking a look at what the hell is going on from a cynical perspective:

Eminem and wife have finalized a second divorce, after remarrying in January, whoopy. I predict wedding #3 next time he finds himself lonely, depressed, and coked up while locked in the studio and pushing for that magic number tenth Grammy. Nothing says a deserved Grammy like the inspirational husband and father that he is. Well, maybe if ESPN buys the rights to the Grammys, then the drama will excel.

In yesterday's most recent sign of total dumbassness, a 56 year old lady placed her one month old grandson in the gray bin that is meant for your laptop and shoes. Unable to decide who in fact is dumber than the other, both the TSA and lady seemed to not realize that the infant was soon being X-rayed. All parties involved in this incident should probably be shot.

Decider in Chief gave himself that name when he got on television a few months ago to indicate that simply because military experts and everybody else were calling for Rumsfeld's resignation, he's the Decider and he decides that he and Rummy are doing the right thing. Fast forward to losing the midterm elections in November, and it's bye bye Rummy. Now we read today that Bush envisions increasing the size of the US Armed Forces, which is a direct repudiation of his boy Rummy's vision of a small and precise military. Why the Decider needs to stick up for his loser friend only to fire him and then admit that his military ideals don't work, well that's just silly. I really wish someone would just blow him so he can get impeached, unless he's something like this Komodo Dragon that has never gotten laid but still manages to have 8 fertilized eggs inside of her. That's impressive,

I'm just rehashing jokes at this point, but why Time Magazine decided to name you me and everyone else the person of the year for 2006 is pretty stupid. They give special shout outs to us bloggers and other users of the internets for helping shine a light on everything, but it's kind of scary that they give so many props to a communication medium that is effectively destroying their business. Nice one asswipes. See what Colbert has to say about it here.

Perhaps its pictures like this Terry Schiavo look alike down by McSorley's on 7th St. that inspire Time to be inspired by people like me:

Or perhaps its that I can no longer go to dinner at Dojo without feeling inspired by the political ramblings of other bathroom goers. By the way, Dojo is awesomely cheap and I love them. It's probably what I miss most about not living on 9th Street anymore, but luckily my 8 days in the West Village have allowed me to find the other one, which is surprisingly way less funky than the one on Saint Marks:

That top one says "Liberalism is a mental disorder," in case the glare is messing with you. Politics, cheap food, and gross bathrooms really should serve as inspiration to us all. Off to work, laters

Festivus and Hanukkah

While Wal Mart has decided to cave to the religious freaks by deterring from its role as the anti-christ and is once again saying "Merry Christmas," I would like to assume the role of speaking for those without pine needles all over their living rooms.

As Mister Lister has pointed out, his coworker's mother (a Catholic) worked at a Jewish day school for many years prior and was taught by her fellow faculty and staff that the motto for all Jewish holidays is, "They tried to kill us, We survived, and now We're celebrating." So it is with great honor that I congratulate those Macabees for creating a festival of 8 nights and 7 days of light when their oil was supposed to burn out on that very first night. Perhaps they have a solution to the world's current energy crisis? Did Toyota uncover ancient Macabee plans for a hybrid candle in designing the Prius? I guess we'll never know, but they're pretty cool if you ask me.

Just in case there is any substance to that theory, Adam's Mad World has sent MisterLister on a fact finding mission to the Holy Land (paid for in full by BirthRight Israel) to see if the Japanese auto magnates (is that a word? I think so) deserve to be sued and tied up in litigation with vicious Israeli lawyers...I sure hope no one breached the ancient Jews' intellectual property rights.

In another revelation, MisterLister has presumably made it to the Holy Land in a safe and timely manner, but we'll never know for sure because El Al Airlines is so badass that they have a really lame system of telling you when a flight actually takes off or lands, presumably because they might have to kill you for asking.

After a Sunday night at Peter Luger's followed by a Monday night at Risotteria, this blogger's stomach has had enough - until hitting a 4th steakhouse in 5 weeks on Friday night to celebrate the 25th birthday of one L-Dawg, the same character who initiated Vegoose both last year and this. A happy early 25th to you Mr. Freedman.

As the stress of finding a place to live has wound down, GDubs and myself will be sure to enjoy mocking everybody else's Christmas this weekend as we move, drink, smoke, and do some interior decorating as the Gentiles slice into their hams. What I did not know about Christmas food is that this is the biggest week of the year for the New York City seafood market (recently moved from South Street Seaport after a 300 year reign to the newly designed Hunts Point Market in the beautiful South Bronx) because Catholics traditionally indulge in ridiculous amounts of seafood courses on Christmas Eve (food for thought indeed). Any Catholic readers out there, can you confirm or disconfirm these allegations? Either way, no one should try to cause so much trouble these next two holiday weekends that they end up looking like this guy:


Although this doesn't have much to do with anything, LRod and I were treated to the awesomeness that is Google's cafeteria last week. After an amazing salad bar, braised lamb stuffed with spinach and feta, some fine orzo, and an awesome root beer float to go, I have decided that that company does indeed have a lot of momentum in its favor. That coupled with stock options that kick in after four years, and I've gotta say that they may set a record for lack of turnover and people quitting. An impressive operation it is, and I certainly hope to be eating their food once again sometime soon.

Speaking of LRod, congrats once again to her becoming an aunt for the second time over. Those kids are darn cute so they're certainly worth mentioning, and I even deemed them worthy of a 10 hour day of travel, which really should only happen if foreign countries are involved (DC might be steamier than Beijing in the summer, although I wouldn't guarantee it). I'm glad I made the excursion and am still happy to see people other than myself producing offspring. Had a rowdy night in Adam's Morgan, despite the fact that a 3 block strip seems to be the most awesome place to be in the entire District, which is quite lame.

Speaking of lame, the cigarette smoke in the bars is a little narsty, but on January 2nd our prayers will be answered and all smoking in DC will be banned...except in the Capitol Building, where Congress took the time to pass special legislation exempting themselves from the laws of society - fuckin assholes. This hot off the press as well, apparently Dick Cheney has murdered Bamby on his front lawn in DC, where hunting is illegal.

PS Amtrak is a ripoff but it was very pleasant, which was contrary to what I was expecting, other than arriving at Penn Station, which blows in every facet of blowing. It's also unfortunate that it may blow a little less when they eventually begin routing LIRR trains to Grand Central, because I have been a Grand Centraller my whole life and fear what will happen once it gets way more crowded with annoying people from Long Island. It's nice that the federal government has decided that the only city in the country that has mass transit for the masses is worth funding, but it still has spent 100 times more on squandering the most basic of construction projects in Iraq so that its personal friends can make windfall profits from fucking up. Let's hope this doesn't happen in New York, but my doubts about the 2nd Avenue subway line remain - namely that they only have funding for 96 to 63rd streets - which means dick to most people. As a downtowner (moving to Ave C), I think that access to alphabet city is way more important than York Ave, but at least the rent won't have another reason to increase.

Happy Holidays and a Fantastic Festivus to everyone (minus the racism).

Long Time Coming

A bad blogger I have been, and while I couldn't seem to find the time (did my job all of a sudden require attention?), I finally realize that a desperate search for housing is to blame, coupled with 6 days of traveling last week. I appreciate people asking me why I haven't been blogging, which means my efforts at attracting mild attention don't go completely unnoticed. Thank you, readers.

Despite being stuck on the big game game, I assure you that the creator of the blog has moved on to many other thoughts, which now include something other than college football. Considering that I am the least of a sports fan amongst most of my friends, that's probably for the better.

Unfortunately, I can't move on without first recognizing that Jim Tressel and Urban Meyer are the two biggest dick lickers to ever grace the NCAA with their presence. The former for not voting in the one publicized coaches poll, thus rendering him a pussy too scared to admit that Michigan deserved to be #2, and the latter for lobbying/whining the coaches, press, everyone into believing that the winner of the SEC deserved a chance at the national title game, despite the fact that nowhere in the BCS system does it articulate such a necessity.

I was fine with USC beating Notre Dame and moving into #2, but how come it was a forgone conclusion that if they lost (as they did to UCLA), Michigan would thus get its second chance back; and why did that forgone conclusion not happen? I hate Ohio State with "great vengeance and furious anger," but I sort of want them to pummel the hell out of the Gators come January 8th. My true dream would be for Tressel and Meyer to have simultaneous heart attacks (that they survive - I'm not evil) while having pregame butt sex with one another (I did call them dick lickers)...that would be totally awesome.

I'm proud to say that I am in fact writing because my exhausting housing search has come to an end. Stuyvesant Town, I hope you're ready for myself and Gleg. What truly sucks is that my lease starts 8 days too late, and yesterday I found myself on CraigsList with heart palpitations and all (shouldn't this not happen once I find a place?) in an effort to find something to hold me over to the 23rd. I'm proud to say that for 8 days I will have my own place for possibly the first and last time in my entire life. A cute little one bedroom for way too much money it is, but I'm excited for my little West Village hotel and plan to make the best of it. The best part about it is that the girl I am subletting from is moving into a recording studio in Williamsburg so that I can help pay her rent for the month...this crap definitely only happens in New York City. I can now also check off Greenwich/West Village on my "places lived" list, which goes a long way in conversation.

A couple of travel side notes:
-Denver airport is a beauty, but it's also in the middle of a farm. As for the rest of Colorado, I get very chapped lips, ultra serious boogers, and totally wild gas everytime I make it there. Last week was unfortunately the only time I've been there and had to be teased by the snow capped mountains in the background without being able to do anything about it.

-San Francisco continued its awesome weather streak with me, as everytime I visit it is gorgeous and I once again miss its true dark side (I heard it poured the day after I left and all weekend). I had a killer burrito in the Mission but don't quite get if I'm supposed to be scared or dazzled by the overwhelming amount of junkies that harass me everywhere one goes. I had someone ask me for a drag of my cigarette, not to have one of their own - that's just disgusting. My coworker witnessed a junkie tie up traffic at an intersection only to then run right into a telephone poll, break his nose, and send blood gushing everywhere. Again, is that funny or scary? If it's a city where people love the smell of their own farts, then I guess it's all pretty silly.

And finally, in a perfect twist of race/politics/family/New York/pigs/Al "soul glow" Sharpton and anything else I may have forgotten to mention, a man by the name of Sean Bell and his friends were shot 50 times outside a shady spot in Jamaica, Queens at 4am after a long night of bachelor party and on the eve of his wedding. Somehow one of his friends was shot 11 times and wasn't killed. A tragedy it most certainly is for the surviving widow and two children - as well as another good case of what the fuck? for the NYPD.

Here's my take: they were all unarmed, but supposedly one of them threatened a gun on someone else in a dispute just prior to the encounter with the undercover fuzzies. The fuzzies assume these men are armed, fair enough. At first it seemed these guys ran their car into the cop van and one of the officers, which isn't cool, but later the hashed-out details seem to indicate that the men did this only because a plainclothes officer with a gun was approaching them, which is really not cool. I'd like to question the ethics and judgment of a man going to his bachelor party at a shady club the night before his wedding, but I'll refrain. I certainly am not familiar with the underbelly of life in Jamaica, so perhaps Sean Bell had to work every night before his wedding and had no choice but to bachelor it out the night before. I understand not everyone can afford a good night at Score's, but that still sits uneasy with me. No doubt about it though, these cops fucked up royally and some poor guy is dead with a family left behind. What is strange to me is that (I wish I knew for sure) most or all of the undercover cops involved were also black, which isn't something you'd assume when hearing about a brutal NYPD murder of an unarmed black man. Or maybe it's just something you wouldn't assume once you know that Al Sharpton has gotten a massive erection about the whole thing. Black or not, these guys were cops and the NYPD is a little trigger happy with minorities, so obviously the institution as a whole can be blamed for being racist.

Now to the government reaction: Mayor Bloomberg and Ray Kelly meet with community/civil rights leaders. I always thought Giuliani was a fascist, but perhaps he had the right idea when he refused to ever meet with these same people, as Bloomberg now does. If the city and the NYPD want to hold themselves accountable, then perhaps they should interview and examine the cops, rather than just send them home to get paid to sit on the couch and think about what they did. Giuliani was at least pompous enough to admit that he didn't want to hold anyone accountable, which is a little more noble than this current government pretending that it wants to rectify the situation, but in fact doing nothing about it.

I would guess that Bloomberg actually does care what other people think more so than Rudy, but he must know that the cops will stop at nothing to protect each other rather than arrest each other. Perhaps Giuliani is the bitter realist this country needs? He's not my number one choice, but I'd take him over McCain and Hillary anyday, so unless the new stud Barack Obama wants to do something about it, my votes with Rudy for '08. I'm definitely selling my beliefs short for endorsing a fascist, but I think that he and a Democratic Congress (keeping my fingers crossed for that to remain) would be a well-balanced tag team. Oh yea, if Bloomberg wants to run then I vote for him above everyone else. Actually, whoever the fuck wants to get major cities and not the state of Indiana more anti-terrorism dollars would be fine with me, but Bloomy would be a hot independent wild card who hasn't been sucking political penis his whole life.

Back to Sean Bell - the only solution I see, since these cops will never be held accountable, is that some pigs shoot up some white people 50 times, thus tipping the racial balance of such carefree shootings that occur in this fair city. Only then will we have true justice.