You Don't Beat Me Enough

For any of you who watch what is becoming yet another season of the Sopranos that is worse than the one before it, what's the deal with AJ and his lady friend?

He proposes to her with a business model more than a proposal, not to mention what seemed to be like a giant diamond. Apparently she's all torn up inside and doesn't know what to do, so what do the writers come up with??? Nothing like getting dumped at the Puerto Rican Day Parade in New Jersey. Watching AJ deck his car out in Puerto Rican flags only to have his little Puerto Rican quasi step-son taken from him as his girl rides off with her fat brother and the kid was pure comedy. I was laughing at the parade, and then completely hysterical once I realized that it was the backdrop for AJ getting dumped by his ultra hot and Puerto Rican girlfriend whom he wanted to be spouse.

Now the question is will AJ go on a murderous rampage? Was he not Puerto Rican enough, or was he too Italian, or perhaps not enough a fan of Reggaeton and Daddy Yankee? Perhaps it was the awkward stare that she gave Carmella when she realized she couldn't ditch her Puerto Rican roots to become an Italian house mom, or maybe AJ's junk wasn't Puerto Rican enough.

Whatever the deal, that was a really bad episode capped off with now-dead gay Vito's son named Vito Jr. taking a dump in the high school locker room shower only to be kidnapped by crazy white dudes in charge of a military camp for troubled youths because Tony was too selfish and blew 100 grand on the Dolphins rather than give it to Vito Jr.'s mom to relocate to Maine. This shit is getting really stupid. The only positive is that Tony is becoming a most unlikable character, which is perhaps setting the stage for his assassination as he slides down the slippery slope.

Hot Dangit

Well my love for el presidente has always been at an all time low for a few years now, so nothing new, but in the tradition of "fuck the Pope!" the Decider has decided to interfere in my personal life by scheduling a photo op with black children in Harlem (No Child Left Behind must work if black kids given no choice are on camera with him), thus preventing my parents from entering the island of Manhattan without painstaking traffic, and thus ruining a tasty dinner scheduled at Cacio e Pepe. Oh yea it's 6pm, photo op over, now it's time to raise money at the Waldorf. According to the link, he visited a charter school, meaning one of those schools completely independent within the NYC Public Schools system that Bloomberg and company deserve credit for because it has nothing to do with No Child Left Behind. Way to go jackass.

His "attack dog" was on the prowl today after getting his 97th blood clot check up (the man still has no pulse), and his tormented in high school political adviser tried to take a bite out of Larry David's wife until he realized she wasn't the hot one from the HBO show, forcing him to turn his Frankenstein head and aim for Sheryl Crow instead.

Although I'm all for Jessica Lynch testifying before Congress that she was in fact never shot in the leg and she's exposing a few more lies, I can't help but think how she's had her Monica Lewinsky moment in Washington by being an ugly hick that all of a sudden looks halfway decent. Perhaps the Decider's penis has also been in her mouth and he really does deserve to be removed from office, but that's a longer shot than getting Russell Simmons to bar three very naughty words from rap music.

Speaking of rap, that combined with my endless obsession for Don Imus yields quite an awesome response from Snoop:

It's a completely different scenario," said Snoop, barking over the phone from a hotel room in L.A. "[Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We're talking about h-s that's in the 'hood that ain't doing shit, that's trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain't no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC [the cable network home to Imus] going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them muthafuckas say we in the same league as him.

The version I pulled this from can be found here, but notice how I made the Imus-PC corrections by filling in the n-word and f-word, but that I slyly leave the newest stigma of an "h" word out, as I don't want to get fired from Blogger by Google just as they have agreed to hire me by acquiring the company I work for. So many fronts of irony indeed... In all seriousness, Snoop says he has grown up, and although his music currently sucks, I must agree that he's got a damn good point and is as articulate as speaking like that can make him.

Ok, that's 8 links and a lot of rambling, time to go. Please just remember that if you ever leave me a voicemail, why don't you try identifying yourself first, who you are, what you do, why I want to call you back, and then leave your goddam phone number at the end of the message so I actually have a pen and paper in hand. It just doesn't work in the reverse order.

Follow Up

As we are all ecstatic that Fox News wasn't the first to report and decide this week, I realized that it's kinda messed up when everyone in the NBC Newsroom was probably giving each other high fives and winning a popularity contest all because some violent psychopath chose them as his number 1.

Somewhere along the way from not having their anchor die of lung cancer or from having not promoted Katie Couric, NBC is officially the cool kid in town for all the wrong reasons. The "MSM," as the conservative freaks like to call it, is certainly lame these days, and although I can't blame NBC for being chosen, the ratings and popularity they crave have provided a small BS triumph in the midst of a tragedy.

PS, Decider, did you really need to mention the fact that you support the right to bear arms in the midst of a massacre? What an asshole. Some crazy fool shoots up a university, and you still stick to protocol and get more stubborn and resolute about the things you believe in despite the fact that you were not involved. Why can't you ever just admit that things you stand for result in tragedy? Do you and your evil overlord Cheney not remember when he shot his friend in the face? Why is it more important than ever to support guns?

Changing the subject to real policy issues, Mayor BBerg has some hot new plans for New York that I like. Check out what he's supposedly thinking of. Less state control over transportation, more environmentally friendly tax subsidies for environmentally sound construction, and several other things I like. Rather than take this week's events to boast about the importance of the right to bear arms, this guy instead stepped up his pressure with Mayor's Against Guns to actually do something positive in lieu of something bad. He might be on to something...

At Least it Wasn't Fox News

It takes no genius or bleeding heart to be disturbed by the crazy Asian man in Virginia this week, but all I'm saying is imagine if he chose to send his diatribes of a pissed off loser to Fox News instead of NBC?

To give those fools any credibility on the issue would have sucked ass and the man deserves zero thanks for anything, but at least he didn't cater to Brit Hume and company.

The most interesting take I've read on this so far is Arianna Huffington's questioning of what prescription meds this guy was on, as depressed lunatics on Prozac who end up becoming even more depressed and crazy once taking the shit has become a really scary issue. God forbid the man could have smoked some prescription reefer to chill out without altering his brain chemistry for the worse, but I'm sure we'll never find out in the effort to make sure the question never becomes a major issue.

Web 2.0

Now that I will partake in a second corporate acquisition in the span of a year and find the movin and shakin of the internet industry to be quite entertaining, I'm a little worried that things are turning already taking a turn for the worse if Microsoft can start accusing others of being monopolistic; oooohhh, how the tables have turned.

Either way, you all must know how I've pretty much hated my job over the past few months, and even though everything seems to have been ironed out before Google started gettin hot in the pants, working for Eric Schmidt sounds all gravy to me and is a little reassuring. In 6 days we've already been told that the deal will close in June, only to have that revised to end of 2007 due to the government getting involved. It might be a case of the pot calling the kettle, but it's a pretty legitimate argument.

In case you were wondering how to make money, might wanna consider working in private equity, as everyone I work with earned $0 on this buyout and the private equity firm of 100 people earned $2 billion, graaaavy.

Wow I was totally wrong

So now that Imus has been fired and I was wrong that Al Sharpton crying about something wouldn't yield such ludicrous results, I only miss Imus despite the fact that I haven't listened to his show in awhile (although I liked it) and hate Al Sharpton more than I did on Tuesday.

When my grandma told him that "he [is] good for his people" at a Chinese restaurant 2 years ago (yes she's an old timer but not a racist, maybe he shoulda made a big stink about her) I never thought that I'd ever care so much about what "good" things he does for his people, as in cancel offensive white men on the radio, which apparently is good for his people. Is canceling the Kings of Comedy, Dave Chappelle, etc... good for white people?

Blacks may have a long history of suffering and discrimination that makes the use of black humor more sensitive than the use of white humor, but when is the last time that they weren't accused of self-deprecating humor, or even worse, self-deprecating language with no intent for humor? And when is the last time that self-deprecating humor was relegated to only those who are of the clan being made fun of, thus rendering the word "self" to be nothing but a term with no real meaning? And if so, why the fuck is everyone so goddam sensitive? Self-deprecating humor does result in other people picking up on it and making it everyone-deprecating humor, and that shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

I want a guarantee from Big Al that he has never used the words nappy or ho, and truthfully I wouldn't believe him even if he made one. Bob Herbert of the NYTimes was pissed off by Imus, but at least he wrote about it in a historical context noting that Imus has finally gone too far, not to mention the fact that he's not pretending like Imus directly insulted him, as it was the Rutger's women's basketball team that his comments were directed at. Not only is Bob a little more credible, but his one editorial of being fed up with Imus is a follow up to several more articles about how blacks need to take some credit for negative stereotypes and language that they help perpetuate to a greater extent than someone like Imus ever has. When's the last time Big Al took any brunt of the blame or pointed his finger at his "people that he is good for?"

More importantly, Imus noted this morning that perhaps Big Al should apologize to the Duke lacrosse players for having paraded around North Carolina like the devil himself became triplets and fake raped a psychotic lady, but because she was black and Al was once again menstruating, he'll never ever admit that mistakes were made (even the Decider used that line once). Kinda reminds me of the Tawana Brawley rape case as well, in which he trumpeted racism, strove for personal gain, and ended up being completely wrong without ever apologizing.

As much as the guy bugs me, let's get on to those who egg him on, ie. everyone who listened to him with open ears this week and reacted to Big Al's pressure, which has culminated with Les Moonves saying that, "In our meetings with concerned groups, there has been much discussion of the effect language like this has on our young people, particularly young women of color trying to make their way in this society.”

Seriously, I think there is nothing wrong with saying "Black" instead of "African-American" and I certainly hate the idea of being PC, but this guy just used the word "colored" when trying to excoriate and fire Imus for making a racist comment. Imus said something so let's get pissed at him and completely disregard what he said and how I might also be implicated in it! If people were actually trying to be progressive and make some good of this whole situation, then perhaps we should all take a step back and address the idea of institutional racism, which to me is glaringly obvious when the chairman of CBS uses the word "colored," a throwback word to the days of Jim Crow and segregated water fountains...But why would we want to do that? Big Al after all got his kill and skinned him alive, why would he actually try and make this an issue that's larger than just himself?

Not only are Les Moonves and so many others missing the point here, but caving to pressure is too light a term to characterize them, considering that they made their decisions to suspend Imus and then totally changed it up. This all because they are scared of Al Sharpton despite the fact that they are too ignorant to actually understand the situation or have a PR doctor read their fucking statements before making them? I say we start a "get Al off the air" pledge drive.

Imus, may your show RIP. Is it possible that you'll get a fresh start on satellite with your nemesis Howard Stern? It'd be nice to see them team up in the name of free speech and telling people to calm the hell down.

Daniellyn has 3 fathers

In a stunning development this morning and in what I deemed to be too predictable not to be true, as in there's no way this story is going away and it will only get more ridiculous, the DNA results of Daniellyn's paternity test have revealed that 3 different sperms merged into one, as in her mother had more than just varying kinds of drugs traveling with her.

What sounds like a freak occurrence in the balance of nature is in fact just that because this story makes the Don Imus media coverage hoopla look like Mel Gibson on a sober day patrolled by non-semitic police officers. What to expect of this (other than a re-enactment of the triple team on the CBS Sunday Night Movie) probably involves another dramatic judge auditioning for "The Next Lance Ito," followed by People magazine and TMZ never leaving this poor infant alone for the rest of her life, and culminating with more bullshit that we don't care about.

Larry Birkhead, originally the only father pending yesterday's false results, promises to sue the other two penises that touched his during intercourse, although he was too high on Anna Nicole's drugs to know what happened. Prince Valium remains his #1 suspect.

No WMD, so the frik what

Well I'm not totally wrong now that Imus has been suspended for two weeks, although I did rant about how there was no way his employer would dare touch him, but I was talking the getting fired talk. Maybe this is good timing to give him hell over a contract dispute or something, or perhaps it follows decider logic that so what he's not a racist and shouldn't be suspended for that, but he lied to us (not exactly sure what about, but that's the beauty of decider logic - guess I'll never make a good Karl Rove).

Anyway, this man can sort of bring down a radio host (who by the way makes controversial comments all the time), but remember when he gave Vincente Fox a run for his money? I just don't understand how he gets the best of everybody, including third world presidentes, knowing that he was once this person:

Don Imus needs to stand up and declare that he is quitting and going on a "Lick my ass Big Al" whistle-stop comedy tour of America. I'd certainly buy a ticket, and perhaps Dave Chappelle could sit in as the "wow did I ever get away with double standards so why can't this white guy?" MC.

Racial integration as a social issue has certainly lagged over the years, if you want to know my opinion, but is this really a good impetus for bringing about a change in peoples' attitudes, or is it just going to make liberal people like me scream for more cursing, porn, and racist humor in order to irk people in response for irking me that they are so freaking sensitive. I officially have more pity for Don Imus than he deserves while Sharpton has had one too many things to complain about in the past 6 months, way more than his usual quota.

Don Imus, meet the emperor

For anyone unfamiliar with Don Imus' "nappy headed hoes" plus backlash comment, the script is playing out so exactly as Mel Gibson and Michael Richards, that we may have ourselves yet another alcohol injecting, heroin drinking, take it like Ted Haggard trip to rehab we go episode here.

Imus has elaborated that not everyone deserves to or should be made fun of (in this case thuggish females on the Rutgers basketball team), but the only real reason I sense from this is that he really hates Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and really wishes that he didn't have to deal with their bullshit in the aftermath. Although Stan Marsh told his father that Jesse Jackson is the emperor of all black people, it seems that Al Sharpton "sharp"ly contests that assertion and would like to be the first black man to arrive at the scene of all complaining and apologizing.

It's too bad you see that Randy Marsh has succumbed to the allure of Jesse Jackson, but Imus chose Mr. Sharpton and his radio show this morning just as Jesse Jackson was in Chicago with like 7 people protesting outside of the NBC offices there. Just what he accomplished in his message other than the fact that black people would choose to go to work rather than burn effigies like Arabs is hard to determine, but it's nice that our little war on terror can stick to the Middle East.

Other than obviously thinking this whole thing is ridiculous, my old sympathetic gene kicks in and feels nothing but pity for poor old Don Imus. You can call me a racist if you like, but you frequent readers should recall my sympathy for Mel Gibson, and no I'm not a self-loathing Jew. The man has apologized, nearly gave head to Al Sharpton on his radio show, and no he won't fucking quit or get fired so please stop demanding those things.

And yes, the Rutgers women's basketball team is pretty damn thugged out and probably from Camden rather than Short Hills. I don't think Imus had a problem with it, but he thought it was kind of funny, and when you've got 3 fucking hours to kill every morning you need to rip on people every now and then. I didn't really give a crap until everybody else did, but when's the last time you heard thug jokes about the NBA and heard Al Sharpton cry about it (yes the NBA is a bunch of thugs)? Why is this so important? If I had to guess, I'd say that he must be sleeping with at least one of dem hoes.

Before Al Gore

While I've previously expressed my reservations about Fat Man Gore as the poster child of struggling polar bears and receding glacial ice (he uses it all to air condition his mansion and ice his Coca Cola - he don't drink the diet shit), I think that the detached Hollywood wackos that everyone accuses of being haughty and out of touch have been on to something for quite some time now, before they had a run in with the former vice president turned William Taft lookalike. First off, entertainment is escapist in nature, and these Hollywood bozos are supposed to entertain us, not lecture us. Secondly, Americans are incredibly stupid and fickle about being stupid, so they need to be reached out to not by some boring fatso, but by people that we all wish we were. Let me explain...

Before An Inconvenient Truth, can you name any "earth is a fucked up place to live" movies? I've come up with three and know that there have to be more out there:

Judge Dredd - In this just insanely horrendous but entertaining Stallone movie, policemen are actually a la minute judges because the "megacities" of the future are too unruly and there's too much crime to process through a lengthy judicial system. Megacities exist because outside the walls of these bad boys lies the rest of the deserted planet, aka "Cursed Earth."

You see, in the future the earth is cursed because of irreparable harm done to the planet, thus creating deserts on every little spec of land all throughout the planet. Foreshadowing for the growing deserts caused by global warming??? I think so - eat your heart out Al Gore, Stallone and his annoying sidekick Rob Schneider already predicted that shit. As a side note, one of my parent's random friends made a lot of money off of that awful movie by owning the rights to the comic book, so it's nice that shitty movies can still make people besides the actors rich, while also educating the public about imminent doom in a much more entertaining way.

Waterworld - the most expensive movie of its time, Kevin Costner's 8th attempted and failed comeback takes place in a setting where all the land has been buried by the melted ice of the polar caps. After seeing Gore shake his tatas, we now all know that melting ice caps don't contribute to rising sea levels because it's sea-based ice, and all we need to worry about is land-based ice in all glaciers, Greenland, and Antarctica. What it does get right is that we will need gills in order to survive in this messed up future. Additionally, it's no coincidence that the Exxon Valdez is Dennis Hopper's version of the DeathStar, as ExxonMobil has the single greatest twist 'n grab (or should I say grab 'n twist) on the nuts of this current government of the United States of America, which is preventing us from doing anything meaningful to prevent the whole world from needing to grow gills behind our ears (Mutaaaaant!)

Finally we come to The Day After Tomorrow, in which Jake Gyllenhall is still apparently nothing but a pussy (hadn't yet seen Donnie Darko or Jarhead) who needs his scientist of a father Dennis Quaid to come save him from the next ice age at the New York Public Library. In this realistic scenario but fairly shitty drama, rising sea levels and increasing areas of desert are not as great a concern as the affects that temperature change in the ocean have on the North Atlantic current, which is Al Gore's greatest concern and according to him the greatest chance we have of descending into the next Ice Age. Mr. Vice President is an arrogant prick who thinks that nerdy climatologist Randy Quaid has no idea what he is talking about when warning of the perils of doing nothing - also similar to today's veep, unlike the former veep who warns of this. In the end, Mexico becomes a

I say Stallone, Schneider, Costner, Hopper, first wife from Big Love (the female protagonist in Waterworld), Dennis Quaid, Gyllenhall, and not his annoying girlfriend from the movie all tour the US of A with Mr. Gore to "Let the Conversation Begin," which at the least will shut up Hillary Clinton and her snuke.

Can you name any other movies that were way ahead of Al Gore?