Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Before Al Gore

While I've previously expressed my reservations about Fat Man Gore as the poster child of struggling polar bears and receding glacial ice (he uses it all to air condition his mansion and ice his Coca Cola - he don't drink the diet shit), I think that the detached Hollywood wackos that everyone accuses of being haughty and out of touch have been on to something for quite some time now, before they had a run in with the former vice president turned William Taft lookalike. First off, entertainment is escapist in nature, and these Hollywood bozos are supposed to entertain us, not lecture us. Secondly, Americans are incredibly stupid and fickle about being stupid, so they need to be reached out to not by some boring fatso, but by people that we all wish we were. Let me explain...

Before An Inconvenient Truth, can you name any "earth is a fucked up place to live" movies? I've come up with three and know that there have to be more out there:

Judge Dredd - In this just insanely horrendous but entertaining Stallone movie, policemen are actually a la minute judges because the "megacities" of the future are too unruly and there's too much crime to process through a lengthy judicial system. Megacities exist because outside the walls of these bad boys lies the rest of the deserted planet, aka "Cursed Earth."

You see, in the future the earth is cursed because of irreparable harm done to the planet, thus creating deserts on every little spec of land all throughout the planet. Foreshadowing for the growing deserts caused by global warming??? I think so - eat your heart out Al Gore, Stallone and his annoying sidekick Rob Schneider already predicted that shit. As a side note, one of my parent's random friends made a lot of money off of that awful movie by owning the rights to the comic book, so it's nice that shitty movies can still make people besides the actors rich, while also educating the public about imminent doom in a much more entertaining way.

Waterworld - the most expensive movie of its time, Kevin Costner's 8th attempted and failed comeback takes place in a setting where all the land has been buried by the melted ice of the polar caps. After seeing Gore shake his tatas, we now all know that melting ice caps don't contribute to rising sea levels because it's sea-based ice, and all we need to worry about is land-based ice in all glaciers, Greenland, and Antarctica. What it does get right is that we will need gills in order to survive in this messed up future. Additionally, it's no coincidence that the Exxon Valdez is Dennis Hopper's version of the DeathStar, as ExxonMobil has the single greatest twist 'n grab (or should I say grab 'n twist) on the nuts of this current government of the United States of America, which is preventing us from doing anything meaningful to prevent the whole world from needing to grow gills behind our ears (Mutaaaaant!)

Finally we come to The Day After Tomorrow, in which Jake Gyllenhall is still apparently nothing but a pussy (hadn't yet seen Donnie Darko or Jarhead) who needs his scientist of a father Dennis Quaid to come save him from the next ice age at the New York Public Library. In this realistic scenario but fairly shitty drama, rising sea levels and increasing areas of desert are not as great a concern as the affects that temperature change in the ocean have on the North Atlantic current, which is Al Gore's greatest concern and according to him the greatest chance we have of descending into the next Ice Age. Mr. Vice President is an arrogant prick who thinks that nerdy climatologist Randy Quaid has no idea what he is talking about when warning of the perils of doing nothing - also similar to today's veep, unlike the former veep who warns of this. In the end, Mexico becomes a

I say Stallone, Schneider, Costner, Hopper, first wife from Big Love (the female protagonist in Waterworld), Dennis Quaid, Gyllenhall, and not his annoying girlfriend from the movie all tour the US of A with Mr. Gore to "Let the Conversation Begin," which at the least will shut up Hillary Clinton and her snuke.

Can you name any other movies that were way ahead of Al Gore?


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