God Ween Cheney

Today Chicago's forecast is for a high of 75 degrees and storms. Tomorrow calls for a high of 79 and strong thunderstorms. The date is October 16. I'm no Steve Baskerville, but that's not a good sign.

A minor rant: the good people at ETS (Remember that company? The one that administers all those annoying standardized tests you take before going to college?) are either incredibly fiscally irresponsible or are brilliantly running a huge money laundering operation. It costs $15 for them to send a print-out of your test scores to any institution. So, for them to print out 4 pieces of paper (they are nice enough to TRY to get it done within 2 weeks of receiving your request) for me, it costs $60. Score reports are free if you order them the same day you take the test, but I thought the whole point of standardized tests was to take them BEFORE you apply to schools. Test fees ain't cheap either, but that didn't stop them from not having any AC on the hot-ass day I was lucky enough to be taking my test. If these things are so important, you'd think they'd find a way to make the temperature less than 90 degrees during the 3+ excruciating hours they make you stare at a computer screen.

A major rant: Chicago public transit is in store for another "Doomsday". Literally, they are calling November 4 a doomsday, right after we had a potential doomsday a couple months ago. The best part? The real doomsday hits in January. By that time, they are threatening to eliminate 82 of the city's already shitty bus routes, leaving only 72 routes remaining, including practically zero anywhere near my apartment. Seriously, look at this shit. For those of you non-math wizards out there, that's 53.2% of the bus routes that will be eliminated.

The best part about all of these doomsdays is that the handling of the first one demonstrates how shittily government is run in these here parts. Back in August the CTA was begging for extra money but didn't get it. Instead, they decided to BORROW money out of the 2008 budget to postpone any of the hardships. Brilliant. Rather than institute what seemed like some necessary cuts and fare hikes, they instead chose to dig themselves an even deeper hole.

Now there are posters and CTA employees everywhere telling us poor souls to contact our local government officials to save Chicago transit. My question is where the hell did all these people come from? The only CTA employees I ever see are the lazy-ass ladies sitting at the station near my apartment who don't give change and eat more fried food than anyone I have ever seen (in fairness, though, yesterday I did see one of them eating an orange). Are these people really necessary? As far as I can tell they serve no customer service purpose, and I estimate that there's a 0% chance they could ever prevent any sort of crime on the platform that can't easily be seen from their booth. My station serves one train line and 2 buses, which doesn't exactly make these employees an indispensable source for transit information, not that they'd necessarily help anyone out anyway.

Ergo, when you connect the dots you realize that this agency, like all Chicago government entities, is bloated with people who probably make way too much money and who receive benefits that are vastly more generous than those received by the general population. And they don't really do anything except put up posters when doomsdays roll around. Also, it's not like our fares are so high that they can't be raised. It costs me $1.75 a ride, but because I pay online I get a 10% discount, knocking the fare somewhere around the $1.55 range. I also pay with pre-tax dollars, so I end up getting something like a 25-30% discount there as well. My lady friend, a student, pays somewhere in the neighborhood of $80 per semester for her unlimited pass.

What I'm getting at is that I think most of us doomsday sufferers would be better at running the CTA's finances than the cronies who have been fucking things up all these years. Perhaps what the CTA really needs is Charles Grodin's character from the movie Dave, an accountant who comes to the White House one night to help his buddy balance the federal budget. I mean, seriously, I'm pretty sure that Charles Grodin passed away, but can't we get some sort of Grodin surrogate to come and save the day?

If you ask me, all these doomsdays are a bunch of bullshit. The CTA is just trying to make people scared so that they can find a way to get enough cash to eke out their shitty status quo. I'll probably end up eating my words here and be forced to rollerblade to work [shirtless and wearing big headphones], but that's what's running thru my noggin.

OK, long rant over. Did you know that Al Sharpton is my uncle? Actually, there's a 99.999% chance that statement is total bullshit, but Barack Obama IS related to Dick Cheney, so you never know. Those family reunions must be a barrel o' laughs...

Ween comes to the Windy City this Saturday, playing at a venue with questionable acoustics and even more questionable on-sale policies that all but require you to use the evil demon Ticketmaster. Rock on.

Let's go Imus on this crazy bitch

In the tradition of appreciating only the controversial material that fits my beliefs, I say it's time to take Anne Coulter down. I don't fully understand what happened yesterday on Donny Deutsch's show, but all I know is that we Jews are about to unleash 1000 Al Sharpton's on this bitch.

No one likes hearing the pundits that offend them, but Anne Coulter is the epitomy of intolerance for anything but her way, so I have no shame in playing the narrow-minded card, as the pundits such as Maureen Dowd and Bill Maher that float my boat preach intolerant points of view that try to force tolerance down the throats of people like Anne Coulter. Being intolerant about intolerance is cool, but Anne Coulter is just intolerant.

As a Jew, I'm totally not offended, partially because I don't understand what she was trying to say, and partially because I like the food and culture but not the religion, and her argument used the word "testament" a few too many times for my liking. What's really dumb of her is that the more religious the American Jew, the higher the chance that they're Republicans strictly because of Israel and foreign policy.

So why she has to go complain that the 2004 Republican Convention in NYC was her utopia that involved a lot of "perfect Jews," (ie. Christians) is pretty dumb. The Iraq War was in full swing and Israel was just a couple years from bombing Lebanon back into the stone age, which are clearly things that get this super evil attractive bitch off at night. Knowing this fact in hindsight, she shouldn't go around bashing the Jews that to an extent carry out activities that are very pro-Republican and pro-Bush, not to mention the fact that without Jews, "perfect Jews" never would have graced God's earth.

If Mel Gibson and a bottle of tequila can cause such an outrage amongst religious Jews and Hollywood Jews, then Anne Coulter and her mouth better go down in flames, and none of this alcohol rehab bullshit. She wasn't drunk on the show and therefore doesn't get to go to rehab to make things right. Just like Hollywood, politics and the media have a disproportionate amount of Jews controlling it, so I expect this bitch to lose a lot more than the scattered newspaper syndications she did when she called John Edwards a fag.

If I was representing the Jews in the racial draft on Dave Chappelle's show, Al Sharpton would be my first pick, but even without him we Jews are going to put her on the cover of crackwhore magazine as the representative of the "perfect Jews" when this is all said and done. Come to think of it, isn't Ted Haggard a member of the "perfect Jew" clan? He's already a crackwhore...

Baby, It's Cold Enough to Make Your Nipples Rock Hard

So fall seems to finally be upon us here in Chicago, and I'm guessing that is the case for much of the nation. I'm glad that this seasonal weather has finally arrived, but I wouldn't exactly say that global warming is a myth. 5 days ago it was hot as tits for the Chicago Marathon, and the day before that I was sweating my balls off at a bar while watching the Cubs have yet another disappointing October.

Cubbies fans, I feel for you. You're a generally loyal bunch, even though my lady friend hates your team because of the high-heels-wearing Lincoln Park trixies amongst your masses who drunkenly attend games at the Friendly Confines with their sorority sisters and their meathead of the month boydude. The Cubs will now have gone ONE HUNDRED [BILLION] years without a World Series, something I find even more impressive than the Mets' late season collapse.

Speaking of that collapse, I have not mourned the fact that the Phillies, who benefited from the Muts' fall shitshow, were swept by the Rockies. Jimmy Rollins, you may have made good on your pre-season prediction that your team was the one to beat in the division, but misery loves company, and I am pleased that your team got a swift kick in the balls as soon as it entered the playoffs.

So it's cold out now and the days are getting short. Time to run home to watch Grey's Anatomy and eat soup? I think not. It's time to experience the great outdoors. This weekend I plan to keep warm Wisconsin-style, adding fat- and alcohol-based calories to my body in hopes of insulating myself from the cold winds of Lake Michigan. I'm going camping, and a grand time is sure to be had. We'll be up the "east coast" of the state, enjoying the sights and fresh air of a state park near the great city of Sheboygan. Last time I went to this park, we took a jaunt into town to eat at a local restaurant. In hopes of living like the locals, I ordered a bratwurst, and when the waitress asked if I wanted butter on my bun (like the locals do), I answered in the affirmative. Well, let me tell you, I like good-tasting food that clogs your arteries, but this was just disgusting. When I took a bite the butter literally spewed out, like an overly generous slathering of mayo, and I promptly cleaned off my bun as much as possible while my deceased Kosher ancestors rolled over in their graves. When paying the check, my lady friend left a $5 tip for the waitress, who nearly had a heart attack at our big-city generosity. Oh, Wisconsin...

A couple other ramblings before I return to work:

1) Radiohead, as Adam already stated, is cool. Any band that lets me pay what I want for their top-notch tunes and makes an entire album to say "Fuck You" to George Bush is about as cool as it gets, not to mention that they apparently named themselves after a Talking Heads song. The coolness continues to pile up into a massive heap, even if I too couldn't get thru to their website.

2) The Dogfish Head brewery may very well be the best thing to come out of the state of Delaware. Don't get me wrong, I like Joe Biden (even if nobody else seems to), and I hear that they have some nice beaches there, but my one visit to that state wasn't particularly overwhelming. The aforementioned beers, however, are absolutely delicious. I've had the 60-Minute IPA, which I enjoyed, and I hear the 90-Minute and 120 Minute (which I believe is 18% alcohol) are sights to behold. The Raison d' Etre, which uses beet sugar in the brewing process, is extremely tasty, and last night I bought a sixer of their brown ale, which was delectable. I dare you, name a better brewery.

In Rainbows (of WWI blood)

Bush Urges Panel to Reject Armenian Genocide Measure

I hate agreeing with this guy, but I do. What's the point of appeasing Armenians, whom most of us could not point out in a lineup, about something that happened almost 100 years ago? Why make relations with Turkey more fragile than they are? And why can't the House of Representatives pass a freakin measure denouncing the Darfur genocide, or will that take 100 years and some other spineless political party to make that happen? Seriously, what a waste of time. This is worse than condemning MoveOn.org and Rush Limbaugh.

I know it's easy to point to the 12 percent approval rating of Congress, but I'm seriously starting to get behind that, as non-binding resolutions (aka "telling on the President"), endorsing wiretaps because they're afraid of being called pussies, and condemning Iran even though it gives tricky Dicky one more reason to invade have all been pathetic demonstrations of this pathetic Congress. I'm not too sure they can continue with their vaginal tendencies and actually win the 2/3 majorities necessary to override vetoes during the next election cycle. Corrupt and demagogic Republicans are starting to look sexier than whiny pussies worried about WWI genocide.

Anyone else having a hard time getting through Radiohead's site to download the new album? Enough cannot be said about these guys, as 10 days after completing a new album they are offering it for however much you want to pay them. Some people are worried about what it could do to the record companies, but all of those some are people who work for said companies. And what of the R&D budgets of these mega companies, how are they supposed to go find the next new Radiohead if the current Radiohead is killing their profits? Who the fuck cares! All they can find these days is shit I don't listen to, so bravo Radiohead, bravo. What a bunch of crybabies those recording industry execs are, everyone's got problems, they should stop crying already.

Stuff

Wow I've been a busy man of late, so I'm glad MisterLister has been providing banter, albeit about the disgracefully pathetic Mets. All that can be said has been said, but I'm glad they kept [not as slick as this Willy] Willie Randolph at the helm. Even if drastic changes are needed, New Yorkers are so impatient and often don't know what's best when they're angry at their favorite teams, so other than some serious pitching changes, I don't feel the need for nor confidence in drastic roster changes.

And hey, as long as the Yankees don't win the World Series, us Mets fans will happily admit how good it feels when that happens, despite the fact that gay-Rod might actually not blow it this year and the Yankees are looking slick these days. Oh PS, gotta love the start of the Knicks' season. Attention Cablevision customers, your bills are about to go up because douchebags are in charge of Madison Square Garden. On the topic of bills going up, that Anucha Browne Sanders isn't even remotely attractive enough to be worth $11 million of sexual harassment.

Speaking of pathetic sports, I managed to avoid the subject of my beloved Michigan Wolverines losing to Appalachian State a few weeks ago, so here I am in acknowledging that sad little tidbit. Fortunately, the Big Ten has become super arrogant and has their own network that only DirecTV has so far picked up, so I was too hungover to go to the bar and watch that miserable moment in college football history and got pretty lucky. Other than that, the Big Ten network should go to hell because it is driving their football teams into further obscurity and taking away national exposure, not to mention the fact that it will become a full-time gymnastics channel once the football season is over.

Somewhere along the way Adam's Mad World turned one year old, and since much of last year's fall was dedicated to Michigan football, the combination of them not being as good, me not going to high profile away games, and me sort of having a life, they're just not getting as much love from me this year.

The time of year has come for me to get excited about yet another Vegoose endeavor, and what better a way to remind me of it than finally getting to see Arcade Fire again this weekend, which will be a nice throwback to 2 years ago when I'd never heard of them and they blew my mind in the desert.

Otherwise, some things have really been perplexing me and I'd like to know your thoughts:

-If we always read from left to right and look at things like that subconsciously, then why does the Manhattan Street map read like a prayer book on Rosh Hashonah? Besides Hollywood and money, do the Jews also control the art of cartography?

-Have you ever gone to the change machine at a bank, gotten really excited about the $103.63 in savings that you've accumulated, and then gotten really pissed about the fact that you have 63 cents in your pocket? Why the fuck can't they just keep that shit? And don't even get me started about the fact that I forgot to save quarters for laundry day next week...

-Fact: every failed restaurant on the island of Manhattan becomes a Chase Bank

-It's not supposed to be 85 degrees in October. The Day After Tomorrow is a recent favorite bad movie of mine, and seriously everything in it is turning out to be true. I believe that our atmosphere and climate are quickly spiraling into shit, but that Al Gore's thunder is officially flat and someone like Chuck Norris should take over the initiative.

-I officially despise Microsoft

-I despise the Today Show even more

-There's some other shit too and I'm mad I can't think about it, this is to be continued

Woe Are We

August 26, 2007 -- "MEMO to Jimmy Rollins: The best team won. Yes, it's still the dog days of August and the Mets have to travel to beautiful Philadelphia tomorrow, but the NL East race is over. Though the Yankees are fighting for their playoff souls, the Mets are merrily on their way to another October. This really wasn't much of a race. Despite all the Mets problems, despite the fact they left the door wide open in the division, the Phillies and Braves have not been able to step through the portal." - Kevin Kernan

Kudos to the RuboTron for finding this juicy newsflash from a few weeks ago, which was offered up by some schmuck who writes for the NY Post. All I can say is that this asshole follows in the great journalistic tradition of all other Rupert Murdoch enterprises, being a total blowhard who doesn't know dick. I'm guessing that after getting in trouble for writing this article he'll be transferred to write front-page stories for the Wall Street Journal, as I'm sure that Journal employees with any integrity will be thrown out the door to make way for a few more Sean Hannity-type douchemonkeys.

Back to the Mets and the misery that they have brought upon themselves and their fans. What was it about this year's team that was just so mediocre? They started off blazing hot, only to be questionable from June onward. Sure, their record was better than that of the Phillies for most of the season, but there was something missing all season, and it didn't take any sort of hindsight to realize it. Every time they showed any sort of flash of brilliance, they'd lose a few games and look totally anemic. Sure, Beltran and Delgado weren't going to be able to repeat their brilliant performances from last year, and our bullpen wasn't going to be as lights-out without Duaner Sanchez and Chad Bradford (remember him?) paving the way for Heilman and Wagner.

Although I don't have official stats on hand, I can tell you with certainty that the Mets were pretty shitty in 1-run games, and that they rarely came back when trailing. I know that until they managed to sneak out a 10-9 extra inning win against the Marlins a couple weeks ago they had lost 5 straight in extra frames.

This may be total horsecrap, but I think that Jose Reyes hurt them as much as he helped them this year. When they really needed him to produce he was getting picked off and not running out ground balls, generally looking like a jackass. If you ask me he thinks he's underpaid at roughly $6.5 million per year, and he wants to make as much as Pedro, Beltran, et al., so he feels it's OK to act like an idiot because the Mets are getting their money's worth. David Wright, who signed his contract a few days after Reyes, averages $9 mil per year (though the big paydays don't come for a few years), had a freaking stellar season, and continues to be the great white hope of NYC.

Am I totally off on Reyes here? Should he be traded? Could they make a killing off him in the trade market, or is he damaged goods around the league?

A few things I look forward to next year:
1) Lastings Milledge - he may be fucking ghetto, but he's authentic, and he showed why Minaya refused to include him in any trades. The kid can play.
2) Pedro Martinez - the guy can flat-out pitch, as he showed during his brief comeback. Whatever it is, he's got it. Every time he steps on the field you smile and watch closely for the rabbit he'll pull out of his hat.
3) Mike Pelfrey - he struggled mightily for much of the year, but he was pretty good at the end of the year when they really needed him to do so, particularly that stellar game at Atlanta where the Mets began to stage what seemed like a season-saving hot streak. He can throw the cheese, and when his sinker does what he wants it to, his stuff looks pretty nasty.
4) Oliver Perez and John Maine - 2 great young starters who are alternately painful and dominant. Great pickups last year.
5) Guillermo Mota and Scott Schoeneweis pitching for other teams. See here for further explanation.

Right now, however, it's October 1, Derek Jeter is going to make some ridiculously clutch plays and hit a few game-winning homers, the Phillies have a good chance of taking the NL, and I'm bored as fuck. Please weigh in with theories as to exactly what was wrong with this Mets team, and how we might come out of this mess for the '08 season.