Wednesday, February 21, 2007


What did you do for President's Day/Week? If you have children and are from the Northeast, you likely are somewhere in South Florida, so keep living it up. All of the things I could've done to honor GDubs and Honest Abe boil down to this: start my own country, murder some Brits, murder an American working for the Brits, free some slaves, wear a silly top hat, savagely murder some Southerners for being total bigots, burn the South to a charred ruin, or let my bodyguard go home even though somebody wants to kill me.

Thanks to an eager furniture salesman craving more material, I have returned from my presidential vacation of the past 12 days or so having thankfully accomplished none of the above. While I could just lie and say that I freed some slaves while trapped in a JetBlue inferno with no alcohol, that would be about as dishonest as Hillary Clinton's campaign referring to David Geffen as Barack Obama's campaign finance chairman, and then combine that shit with Brittany Spears apparent need for rehab, and that would be the dishonesty level we are talking about here.

I think I was sick of the 2008 election like 3 weeks ago, but my raging hard on for Barack Obama has only gotten more killer as he and Hillary head to a certain showdown culminating in hot sex backstage at one of their future debates (that both of them seem to want to opt out of at this point - and I say it's definitely the sexual tension as their line of reasoning). David Geffen, with Maureen Dowd as his impetus, has totally ripped on Hillary after raising Barack $1.3 million last night, and Hillary is totally pissed. All I know is that this young, charming, fake-black man from Illinois totally has my vote unless Mayor Bloomy chimes in. I think I might skip my plans for a blogger turned sitcom writer and instead go run for prez after all these fools are done shooting each other in the foot for the next year, as you will still have a few months to think about voting for me when I decide to file my paperwork and forge some signatures.

Not that David Geffen tells me what to do, but after having him confirm my belief that Republicans like Hillary because they think she is the most beatable, I'm totally not even 1% on her bandwagon anymore. The resulting mud-slinging and name calling and demands for giving back donations of the past 12 hours have been mildly entertaining, but unfortunately this is the Hollywood stage and I don't think any of this banter in Iowa would yield the same results. So it seems that this is the most exciting point of the primaries and we need to get used to that...

I recall asking someone last week what the deal is with these 8th grade magazine sales, and sure enough the Times today features an 8 month investigation piece about road tripping magazine crews of mostly 18-24 year olds that smoke meth, beat each other, have sex with each other, rip off the customers, and who aren't allowed to leave to go home. If we couple this practice with a third world country, well then what we've got here is one fucked up 8th grade magazine sale drive, but I don't want to go there. I guess the moral of the story here is that if some degenerate tries to sell you a magazine, chances are that they are sketchy, so stick to the insert cards and website subscription services and you'll be fine.

Now back to JetBlue - they fucked up big time and needed to do something about it, but their customer bill of rights is asking for more trouble. The reason they screwed themselves is because they were too insistent on doing the customer right in the middle of last week's shit storm and ended up delivering on zero promises to get people to their destinations. Now we have a bill of rights to try and make up for this, but that's just them trying again to do too much for the customer, and I expect yet another backlash in the future.

I've had nothing but sweet terra blue chips while eating xanex and watching DirecTV in my experiences, but if I were involved in last week's incidents I'd probably never fly them again. Since I wasn't trapped on a plane while dreaming of our important presidents' birthdays, all I can say is that I'm glad I don't have to put more faith in the other just as shitty airlines. For a witty Brit's take on flying, check this link; perhaps the guy is just an American working for a British publication, but he might also be a bloody Tory spy, so do be careful.


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