MEET THE METS

To follow up on Mister Lister's agony, I found this pretty sweet picture:

An Open Letter to the Mets Bullpen

Dear members of the Mets bullpen,

You are G-d awful right now. Are you freaking kidding me? What a choke. Collectively, you are pathetic, and deserve to shoulder most of the blame for the team's late season decline, but I'm going to single out 3 whose offenses I find to be particularly egregious.

Scott Schoeneweis, you are making 3.6 MILLION dollars this season. Your ERA is 5.02, and you have pitched 57.1 crappy innings. Assuming you pitch a couple more crappy innings before this season-ending collapse ends on Sunday, we'll infer 60 crappy innings this season, working out to $60,000 per crappy inning. Thanks a freaking lot. The one thing that might differentiate you from your other sucky bullpen counterparts is that you've been crappy all season long, particularly at Shea Stadium. So thanks for that consistency.

Guillermo Mota, thanks for showing us that steroids really do enhance your performance. Unfortunately, that was last season. Now that you're off the juice, you, too, have sucked a fatty all season long. No matter how you might pitch, I want all the kids out there to remember that dope is for dopes. Don't be a dope.

Billy Wagner, now we move to you. Besides the fact that you blew it at the one Mets game I went to this season--Thurs, June 7, a very special date, Phillies at Mets, you gave up an ill-timed home run to Pat Burrell in the 9th inning, opening the door to a 3-run Phillies 10th and a Mets loss. Our day was RUINED. Later that day at the player's gate Adam told you, "Nice game, pretty boy," and you then spit on him. The spit then ricocheted off his right temple, turned in midair, and hit me in the right hand, causing me to drop my soda--you have really sucked down the stretch. You sucked in last year's playoffs, and this year when it's counted you've sucked some more. Last nite, with the Mets trailing the Nationals in a must-win game, you allowed 2 runs in the 9th, effectively shutting the door on a sweep by one of the worst teams in baseball. Though your season ERA is 2.67, you've sucked when we've needed you to excel. You were given a ridiculously large contract to come through when we've needed you to, and you've done nothing of the sort. You've pitched 67 innings this season, so we'll infer that you'll have pitched 70 by the pathetic end of the 2007 Mets campaign. At a salary of 10.5 MILLION dollars, that comes out to $150,000 per non-clutch inning pitched. Are you freaking kidding me?! Do you have any idea how few of us make less than $150,000 per YEAR, yet come thru in the clutch when our bosses and co-workers need us to?! I'm just sickened.

Please, let the season end right now. I can't bear to watch any more of what is becoming a historic collapse.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Misterlister

Blame Canada?

Ok, so it's officially happened. We've all been making fun of Canadian money for as long as I can remember, that it's toy money, Monopoly money, etc... We even buy books and magazines and other products with special Canadian prices on them, as though they have beady eyes and wobbly heads, haven't apologized for Bryan Adams, and only understand humor within the confines of the bathroom (not the bathroom from my previous post)

So what sort of a crossroads are we talking about? I'm talking about the kind that will get 19 year olds in the state of Michigan to think twice about crossing the border for a superior exchange rate and therefore more dollars to play with, as they can just go to a Detroit Casino if need be. Holy shit Batman, our Canadian dollars are finally worth the same as American dollars. Wait, maybe our American dollars are just as worthless as Canadian dollars, but we might want to think twice about tweaking our humor to avoid comparing our dollar to a state of worthlessness.

Either way, Decider is optimistic about the economy, but Canadian Beasters are now the same price on both sides of the border, so I don't fully agree with the moron. Canada's dollar hasn't been worth the same as our tough guy American dollar since 1976, which I hear wasn't such a pleasant time in our nation's history. Next up, Mexican pesos...

Party Pooper Returns

I've enjoyed a friend's wedding, been to Fire Island, and been to Southampton over the past few weeks, but this wedding tale beats it all and might actually match up with the infamous Party Pooper of Southampton 2005:

[14:40] CoWorker#1: the wedding i was at
[14:40] CoWorker#1: someone took a poop on the dance floor
[14:40] CoWorker#1: literally
[14:40] coworker#2: what????????????
[14:41] coworker#2: ahem what?
[14:41] CoWorker#1: everyone was dancing
[14:41] CoWorker#1: the party was rockin
[14:41] CoWorker#1: then i smelled poop
[14:41] CoWorker#1: looked over
[14:41] coworker#2: ROFL
[14:41] CoWorker#1: saw the whole dance floor clear off
[14:41] coworker#2: what?????????
[14:41] CoWorker#1: and there was a turd on the floor
[14:41] coworker#2: come on
[14:41] CoWorker#1: someone shit on the dance floor
[14:41] coworker#2: lol
[14:41] CoWorker#1: i swear to god
[14:41] coworker#2: u have GOT to be kidding
[14:42] coworker#2: who the fuck did that?
[14:42] coworker#2: and WHY
[14:42] CoWorker#1: im assuming it was an elderly lady
[14:42] CoWorker#1: or at least hoping htat was the case
[14:42] coworker#2: oh NO
[14:42] coworker#2: i hope not a hot chick
[14:42] coworker#2: how dou squueze a turd onto the fllor?
[14:42] coworker#2: dont people wear underpants?
[14:42] CoWorker#1: had to be a female without underoos
[14:43] coworker#2: oh man
[14:43] coworker#2: that IS HORRENDOUS
[14:43] coworker#2: im crying btw
[14:43] coworker#2: thats a first
[14:43] coworker#2: so no one knew who did it????
[14:43] coworker#2: i mean
[14:43] CoWorker#1: nope
[14:43] coworker#2: u cant poop on the dance fl and get away w it
[14:43] CoWorker#1: someone did!
[14:44] coworker#2: what??
[14:44] CoWorker#1: someon shit the dance floor
[14:44] coworker#2: i mean
[14:44] CoWorker#1: and got off clean
[14:44] CoWorker#1: lol
[14:44] coworker#2: that person had to have gone home
[14:44] coworker#2: who fuckin cleaned it up
[14:44] CoWorker#1: the caterer
[14:45] coworker#2: r u serious?
[14:45] CoWorker#1: 100%
[14:45] coworker#2: cleaned up someones shit??
[14:45] coworker#2: oh god
[14:45] CoWorker#1: lol
[14:45] coworker#2: i dont get who does that
[14:45] CoWorker#1: in the middle of the dance floor
[14:45] coworker#2: LOL
[14:45] coworker#2: unreal
[14:47] CoWorker#1: yes
[14:47] CoWorker#1: unreal
[14:47] CoWorker#1: and
[14:47] CoWorker#1: HYSTERICAL!
[14:48] coworker#2: i cant
[14:48] coworker#2: believe this
[14:48] coworker#2: this is preposterous
[14:48] CoWorker#1: believe it
[14:49] CoWorker#1: someone SHIT on the dancefloor
[14:49] coworker#2: dude
[14:49] coworker#2: i mean
[14:49] coworker#2: were people just fuckin skeeved out?
[14:49] CoWorker#1: yeah man
[14:49] CoWorker#1: the place cleared out

I love it when people go to weddings and get an easy story for me, this is a total Caddyshack moment:

Follow The Money

The Democrats may be a bunch of homosexual freedom hating abettors to Osama Bin Laden, but is appears that uniformed service members are starting to warm up to them. I don't know about you, but I find that very interesting. The linked article's highlights include the fact that in 2002 (the last election before the Iraq war) 23% of the military's political donations went to Democrats. For 2008, however, 40% have gone to the Sissies, with Barack Obama (who, as a Senator-to-be, had the political leeway to speak his mind and denounce the war from day 1) leading the way. Ron Paul, the anti-war Republican, has received more cash than any of the other candidates in his party.

This is not a coincidence.

Of Zombies and Lumber

So I never posted anything about my recent travels, and I have a lull in the action at work, so here we are. I spent a few days in Vancouver, which was as beautiful as everyone had said. It's certainly a very desirable place to live, but like everywhere else it is not perfect.

Case in point: I had heard that there was a shady area of the city, known as its Skid Row. Well, seeing is believing. Upon arrival a friend drove us through said neighborhood, which is within a few blocks of downtown. Imagine a street with hundreds upon hundreds of homeless junkies milling around, going in and out of shady bars and "hotels," forming a critical mass at the intersection where the city's free needle exchange resides. The first couple days we were in town we were [un]lucky enough to be staying at a hostel a couple blocks away from this strip. Though I don't think Canadian junkies are nearly as violent as American gangbangers, it was a little unsettling to be around this area and see some of the people, affectionately dubbed "zombies" by a fellow traveler, hanging around there.

One other minor gripe about Vancouver is that it's pretty fancy pants. By that I mean that it's so desirable to live that real estate is apparently very expensive, and there is inevitable fallout when it comes to other aspects of the town. Most bars are in fact lounges or clubs, which tends to lead to hanging out amongst wealthy losers having self-important conversations in tones loud enough for everyone to hear. Most apartment buildings in the downtown area were soulless highrises, looking identical and fairly uninteresting in the spirit of modern luxury living (they all had porches, but even with some rare gorgeous weather I don't remember seeing one person actually hanging out on their porch). On a Saturday night the main strip of bars was crowded with velvet ropes, long lines, and kids on cell phones, talking to their friends who were oh-so-privileged to have gotten "in". Meh.

Don't get me wrong, I very much liked Vancouver. It's just not perfect. I found Vancouver Island to be much more remote and adventurous, with more natural beauty than the city and more options for relaxing. People were nicer (i.e. they are able to help you out if you want to get your hands on some of the famed local cannabis), zombies were rare, the trees were massive, and the Pacific Ocean was lovely. Though I don't ever plan on taking a cruise, I'm a big fan of traveling on the high seas. Taking ferries to and fro the island was good clean fun, as was sea kayaking (see above).

One weird thing about Canadia is the fact that alcohol is really expensive there. I know the sauce is bad for you and the Canooks have to fund their universal healthcare system, but I am not joking when I say that a sixer of cheap beer at a liquor store ran about $12. Ironically, delicious microbrews were $13 or $14 for a six-pack, making me wonder who in God's name would ever drink the crappy stuff in Canada. I'm sure that Canadian hipsters like to wear Kokanee t-shirts, but I can promise you that PBR would not be nearly as cool in the U.S. if its price was virtually identical to Oberon. Mmm, Oberon...

Upon our brief jaunt stateside to Seattle/Tacoma, me and the lady friend were welcomed back to a few fat slices of Americana. Seattle rush hour involved a trailer that had flipped over on its side and a brush fire 2 miles down the road, reminding me of how pathetic an existence the typical American commuter tends to lead. Our gracious hosts in Tacoma work at a wine bar and used to live in Wisconsin, which means we got good and DRUNK at low, low prices. Between some good vino, free rounds at a bar and some good Midwestern/Northwest hospitality, I managed to wake up fully clothed one morning, feeling like ass. Home is where the heart is.

I think I'll end it here, as I've said my peace. Don't think I'm hating on Vancouver, unless you hate Vancouver, in which case run with it. Oh, one more thing. Unsurprisingly, Canadian border patrol officers are way nicer than American ones.