A Few Things

These are all most random thoughts that have been accumulating in my noggin, let's see how they look on digital paper:

-I get very proud of myself for recycling, like I can be Al Gore's son or something (woops), but then I realized I get most proud of myself for recycling when it's 1am and I see 40 empty beer bottles littering the place. Rather than chuck them in the garbage and race the bag to the trash room in the attempt of avoiding garbage beer juice from leaking out, I take said bottles, wash them with water, let dry, and eventually put in special recycling bag days later. Does this make me an environmentalist, or maybe just a sentimental drunk? I guess that without booze we'd never know, so thank you Bud, Brooklyn, and Dogfish Head for making me feel like I'm doing my part.

-Yesterday's headlines and crappy local news stories about how wonderful it was that Iraqis were able to celebrate their country's soccer team with only the scare of gunfire was not that inspiring. Soccer teams don't do shit for war strategy, yet the (presumably not drunk) sentimental newscasters made it seem like George Bush had just pulled out his greatest play yet. Damn MSM. We killed their cousins, but apparently Iraqis love us because they can celebrate under US troop protection when they beat those Sunni bastard lovin Saudi Arabians.

-Speaking of beating the Saudi Arabians, why is it supposed to be a good idea to offer $20 billion in advanced weaponry to a country that jacks off to jihad? How is Iraq supposed to not get beaten by Saudi Arabia in non-soccer combat when this shit happens? Why is this money justifiable because of "Iran's growing influence in the region?" Why is it okay that "Iran's growing influence in the region" is a direct effect of The Decider taking out the now seemingly trustworthy Saddam Hussein, and we must now counter that by giving weapons to a country that we should have invaded instead?

Rummy gave Saddam and Afghanis weapons back in the day to counter Iran and Russia, respectively, so the only logic that we won't have to go fix this mistake and invade Saudi Arabia in the future is because of the fact that the US is their bitch. So pretty much we can't bomb our way out of this one next time a drunken retard Republican is in office sometime in the next 30 years. I always knew that more weapons and more military contracts were our way out of a fucked future in the most fucked region of the world, glad someone finally had the balls to do this.

-As I attempted to take the 1,2,3 uptown at 14th St. circa 2pm today, the trains were shut down because "there's a body stuck under the train," according to the MTA employees who told us to scram. There were no screams or calls for help, but I couldn't help but wonder, "is this a dead or alive body?" and "will I get the skinny on NY1 later this evening or will this forever be a shady moment in New York City Transit History?" If only I wasn't late for a meeting and instead I could have stayed to provide the same helpful services I do an empty beer bottle at 1am...idiots shouldn't be falling on the tracks anyway, serves them right.

-6:30pm is early for dinner for me, I'm out

Vegoose is Back

Halloween is pulling a 4th of July and going Wednesday this year, but thankfully that did not stop the promoters from shying away for good after last years apparent loss of dough. Rage, Daft Punk, Thievery Corp, STS9, Cypress Hill, The Roots, Public Enemy, The Shins, and I hear a few more big names in the making; haven't booked the ticket yet but you know I'll be there. Do come. Check out their site here

Douchiness?

Alright so first of all I'm not positive but am pretty sure to drop the "e" in douche when turning the word into a state of being, but the state of the douchebag union has gone on far too long for me not to devote a few paragraphs to it. Truthfully, as I normally do, I'm just following the lead of this guy from Details magazine, who has got that same douchy feeling we've all been struttin around with these days. I think I really need to go ahead and buy this shirt already:

Ok so now that I'm close to buying the shirt and you may have read the other dude's posting, I'm not too sure if the state of douchedom will ever be solved so much as it is more likely to expand its empire and engulf us all. I put my oversized smartphone on the bar when I sit down, and I periodically check it for worthless communiques back and forth. I even hope to have a sleeker smartphone one day, and that will only increase my douche stock. If someone goes public with a company named douche, that's gotta be one of Goldman Sach's top 10 buys of the year.

I just purchased the shirt, what better a way to invest money from my PayPal account than into this sweatshop-free piece of cotton? Did you know that douches who run sweatshops overseas at least are providing jobs for people who would otherwise not have any? Does that make them altruistic douches, or just greedy bastards?

I think the most important thing to take away from that Details article goes something like this:
"run of the mill, everyday douchebag...it takes one to know one...fucktard (my personal favorite)...the word started out as a technical term for a vagina-cleaning device..."

I'm really starting to like the word fucktard, so much that I might start using it, but I just don't know if it hits home so properly as the original douche does. Actually, fucktard is more appropriate for someone like the Decider. Finding hope in the biggest pile of shit and despair, fucktard keeps insisting we're supposed to watch Iraqis die in numbers that compare to the days of Saddam. Fucktard probably has trouble fucking his wife, so why are we supposed to believe that he can bring stability to a country that used to stay intact because of a ruthless dictator? "Hey Achmed, that douche can't even fucktard his wife's brains out, how is he supposed to stop our car bomb factory?"

I'm pretty sure that's how things are goin down these days, but back in the day we had Lil Bush, and after last night's episode, I officially like the show. Consistency isn't there yet, but I've liked two and a half of the first four episodes, which ain't a bad majority (at least more than fucktard got in the 2000 election). It's a good twist of schoolyard tactics plus politics, and I only wish they'd come back with "That's My Bush." It may have been cancelled, but I can't believe Comedy Central has come out with just one show capitalizing on this guys dismal approval rating. Oh well, I'm sure them douches will figure it out.

Blech

Sure, Phil Mickelson gets lots of love for being a lovable runner-up, somebody the masses can identify with, as opposed to Tiger's unerring focus and general lack of lovability. Well, after having seen Mickelson in a number of ExxonMobil ads and glimpsing this article, the jury is no longer out when it comes to Phildo (rhymes with dildo). He is a full-fledged agent of evil.

The Midwest is Bland

So I hadn't posted anything for a while, but as soon as I saw that Adam posted something, I had to grab the spotlight and shine it back upon myself. I think that says volumes about my character and is more than kind of pathetic, especially because I don't think anybody actually reads this blog. First, though, a couple remarks to piggy-back on Adam's insights about Strong Island:

1) Long Island blows. How the hell my father managed to grow up there and make it out without being severely fucked up in the head, I am still unsure.

2) L.I. greaseballs, whose behavioral patterns were ever so vividly portrayed in the post below, are some of the dregs of the Earth. I'd put them right up there with those wannabe Redneck Texas douchebags who are from suburbs of Dallas and have never roped a steer in their life, yet proudly emblazon their bodies and unnecessary pickup trucks with "Don't Mess With Texas" paraphernalia.

People such as those mentioned above make me glad I live in the Midwest. Bland though it is, it is generally devoid of the kinds of people that make you realize just why the terrorists hate us. Chicagoans in general are a happy lot, paying comparably cheap rent to live in adequately-sized apartments, all while Da Mayor rules da city with an iron fist, just as his Dad did and just as future generations of Daleys are sure to do for centuries to come.

A funny sidebar on why you have to love Mayor Daley even though he is so corrupt. He just ran for re-election for the 47th time, winning handily, yet on some of his campaign placards and on some of the city websites and promotional materials he continues to use a photo of him from way back in the day, circa the time when Laura told George that be better find Jesus and lay off the sauce. I mean, the guy's 65 years old, pretty much totally gray, and all his photos show this spry guy with a full head of dark hair. The best part, he totally thinks it's legit, and nobody here in the press or general population seems to give him shit about it.

One thing that Mayor Daley and the CPD have made abundantly clear is that unlike the NYPD, they could care less about noise violations, particularly in the form of fireworks. It's legal to buy fireworks in Indiana and Wisconsin, both an hour or less away by car, and the people of Chicago have made apparently made it a priority to shower the good pyrotechnics merchants of neighboring states with fistfuls of dollars. In my neighborhood the entire week leading up to July 4th was pretty much a free-for-all of fireworks displays, with Wednesday nite being the grand finale. It all culminated around 9pm with me lying out on the grassy area outside my apartment watching 2 semi-professional fireworks shows within a couple blocks of my building, with other shows rumbling not far off in the distance. At one point a dud firework landed on the street (which wasn't closed, because all of this is being done by regular people shooting off their personal caches) right next to where it had been lit, exploding right near some passing cars. Had those cars been just a little closer to the action, we really would have had a show...

Unlike Chicagoans, however, people from greater Illinois are pretty much schwag-o. In truth, this state has little to offer besides the Windy City (i.e. Decatur, Peoria, Springfield, Aurora, practically no natural beauty or topography, etc.), and people from Illinois land somewhere outside the realm of jolly fat upper-Midwesterners (see Wisconsin, Minnesota), but not as country or charming as Southerners. It thus makes this state pretty trashy, with accents that are neither funny nor appealing, which I guess makes it comparable to Indiana or Ohio.

Well, now that I've offended people from most regions of the country, I think this post is pretty much complete. Check back soon for an explanation on why Hawaiians are Spam-eating cretins, how the WASP's of New England resisted becoming Africanized, and how the West is one big rotting cesspool, despite the dearth of adequate water supplies.

I'm off to be a huge loser, doing homework this weekend. The class I'm taking is my last before I get my Master's (in something that is probably useless), and although for the past couple weeks I've been pretty accepting of the fact that yes, it sucks, but it's my last class so I can't complain, I've now entered reality and have realized that it's summer, I'd rather be having fun, but instead I'll be crying myself to sleep after having written essays about government budgeting for an entire weekend. Yes, I'm that cool.

Ah

A big sigh of relief as I find myself at my desk for the first time in a week, after taking a whopping zero days of vacation. I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast, but when I'm inter-island hopping I'm barbecuing which is a hell of a lot more summer-like than eating French Toast.

For those of you who got that lame take on Hello Nasty, those boys from Brooklyn are quite a reprieve after having a few too many brushes with Long Island while enjoying my share in Fire Island. Fire Island is certainly not the Hamptons, which means it's a little more low-key and has fewer dudes insisting that their biceps are larger than yours, but I guess the Fourth of July brings out the worst in this country, as my quiet beach retreat was turning into a blue-collar Long Island festival just as I was leaving Tuesday evening.

I hate sounding like a snot and have nothing but love for the middle class (not to mention the fact that my income is about the same as theirs', so I guess I am a part of this bunch), but how on earth do po-dunk Long Islanders manage to look and act like they've spent all their income on clothing, hair gel, and cologne/perfume? I thought people respect the middle class because they're modest, but not these New York types.

I'm not too sure where I'm going with this, other than the fact that Strong Island meatheads amaze me. As LRod noted "they're already wearing heels," as in the meatheads' honeys were already in short skirts and high heels when getting off of the freakin ferry. When's the last time you wore a suit and tie on a plane because you're flying in for your friend's wedding (and yes I've worn my suit on a plane to keep it from wrinkling in the suitcase, but you know what I'm saying)?

Anyway, my decision to leave Fire Island as it was getting invaded by meathead patriots that still like George Bush was a good one, as LRod and I were one of 4 people getting on the ferry to go back to the "mainland."

Mainland? That's right, Long Islanders are so insular that they actually refer to Long Island as the "mainland" when discussing it in conversation on Fire Island. "Yo Joey, Vinny here, we got more brewskies coming on da freight from da maynland tomorrow." "Yo Vinny sweet bra we're gonna F so many bitches drinkin our beer as we watch dose mainland firewoooooks tomorra." Perhaps we city slickers are no better referring to New York as "the city," but at least it is the main city and the term does not invoke a geographical supremacy that is in fact a non-truth, unless of course speaking of da Bronx, but da Bronx is da Bronx, and they don't want to be part of any mainland.

I don't know why I'm complaining so much either, because I had an awesome time and managed to beach it up 100% against the flow of the mainland tourist masses, so it was quite the success and I spent minimal time racking my brain with today's current banter. I guess I just can't get over meatheads in general, and despite the fact that they invade the city on weekends, I certainly never come into such close contact with them as I did this past week. I think anthropologists need to expand their doctoral programs to study the local evolution of meatheads in the NY metropolitan area, kind of like the black squirrels with major chutzpah that roam around in Stuy Town.

Now that Coors Light officially tastes like water to me (even moreso than during college) I'm glad that another weekend is rolling around and that I've already expended my 4th of July patriotism as others try and soak it up for a second straight weekend (perhaps their first try).

I haven't done a lick of real actual work today and can only wish that I was somewhere near this toilet metropolis in China. 1000 toilets over 32,000 square feet, Egyptian facades, open-air options with no ceiling, alligator mouth urinals, they seriously thought of every mood someone could possibly be in when needing to take a dump, and I give them many kudos for thinking of us non-religious people who consider time in the John as time in a house of worship. I only wish they consulted me before building this marvelous wonder, but just knowing how funny those focus group meetings must have been is pretty awesome enough that I'm cool with that.