Undercover Dickwad

Rather than apologize to the man whose car/amazing piece of Italian art had just been destroyed by him, Eddie Griffin decides to say:

"Undercover Brother's good at karate and all the rest of that, but the brother can't drive,"

If I were producer Daniel Sadek, I'd get the entire film industry to blackball this man rather than say:

"I'm glad Eddie came out of the crash OK, but my dream car got destroyed," Sadek said. "I went to my trailer for about 15 minutes and I thought, there's people dying every day. A lot of worse things are happening in the world."

A true millionaire bleeding heart Hollywood man this is, but if someone burns down my house I'm not going to be glad they're okay after joking about how they used too much lighter fluid or don't know how to work with fire because it's the KKK's business to light crosses on his front lawn. Eddie Griffin always sucked in my mind anyway, but he's destroyed a Ferrari Enzo and had the balls to make a joke about it despite the fact that it's someone else's. Screw him.

Can't wait for South Park to rip on Hillary tonight. It's been two weeks of so-so episodes following the n-word debacle, but this one's gonna be good...

Sorry for not blogging these days, no excuses, but please keep the faith and I'll be back on track in no time.

DVR

Although I'm excited for the arrival of Time Warner Cable tomorrow to hook me up with a bedroom DVR, hopefully it won't require of me less time with the bloggy, as I did a poor job this week.

Congrats to Slack for shooting some raw home footage of the aftermath of the shootout in Greenwich Village and for getting it posted on Fox News, the only source for real news. Also a congrats to Senor Chris for shaving his head in honor of St. Baldrick's Children's Hospital and for raising 2 keys and a g.

We had not one real snowfall this year, and I am about to go trudge through some of the nastiest ass dumpage that this city has seen in a long time. The sleet hurts and the invisible puddles are cold. Prior dinner plans leave me obligated to travel a short long distance upon returning home, but all I want is me couch. The weather seems extra F-ed up, but I still fear that too many smelly meathead dudes will be frequenting every bar this side of the Hudson, so I plan on getting very inebriated in the confines of my own home to celebrate the non-existent Irish heritage in my blood for tomorrow. If travelling, I wouldn't recommend JetBlue despite the fact that i still sorta sweat them.

Ditto

Mayans to Purify Holy Site after Bush Visit

I just love this stuff, I'd probably ask the non-existent dog that I don't own to pee on the floor after the dumbass leaves if he were ever going to grace me with his presence. If I go to his place, I'd take it upon myself to pee on the floor all on my own, leaving his dumb dog Barney to do the rest.

I kinda wish I was at Langerado for the weekend, followed by South by Southwest next weekend, but I'll be quite alright celebrating the 25th bday of Dr. Garnish. That shit lasts for 10 days in my refrigerator yet this sly devil is taking an ethics exam tomorrow so he can become an esquire in a few months, only to go out and celebrate 25 years of chillin. That's impressive.

Sally Struthers is Better

Better at what? Better at inducing guilt to get you to think about the children. Better than who? Better than my bitch of an upstairs neighbor who thinks that I enjoy listening to her children bang their toys onto the hardwood floor, which is subsequently my ceiling. While bitching off at me this morning for showing up at her front door, she presented her two cute little devils in the near background, as though she was trying to go all Christian Children's Fund on my ass and get me to make a cute "awwwwww" noise because they're so adorable and need 73 fucking cents a day, which is just the price of a fucking cup of coffee. Well let me tell you bitch ass upstairs neighbor, your Struthers tactics will not stop me from writing the landlord because this shit happens twice a week and there is a clause in your lease that requires wall to wall carpeting, especially if you're going to pretend like no one lives below you. And if you didn't have 73 fucking cents a day to buy those lil devils Fisher Price, then we wouldn't be at this critical juncture, so fuck you.

Now that I've fully given Sally Struthers the admiration that she's always deserved yet never received, we turn to the two people that also never loved her, the creators of South Park. After being upset at Stanley's Cup, last season's finale, they've returned with a bang. I was upset with that episode because they managed to be incredibly offensive and yet also not even funny in the most taboo sort of way.

Thankfully, they returned with offensive, taboo, and hilarious material of the sorts, with the old n-word being the source of controversy. Cameos by Michael Richards and Mark Furman were quite lovely, while Randy Marsh is possibly the funniest character ever. Cartman was pure evil as always, yet you almost begin sympathizing with him (at least in the way that his nemesis is crazy). I think they may have set a record for use of the n-word in a 30 minute block, and I hope to be reading about its controversy all over the internet. Disclaimer, I'm no fan of the n-word, but if you watch that episode you will certainly know how funny they make it. Additionally, they do a good job of making fun of the cliche black comedian who uses the word liberally and doesn't have to think twice about it, while as a viewer you probably feel the most at ease during that moment of the word's usage than at any other point in the show. Brilliance strikes again, and I love this little half season format that allows them to build upon the controversy surrounding all the bullshit that happens in between. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the next 7 episodes makes fun of Anna Nicole, but they did already do the Schiavo thing a couple years ago.

Since starting this posting 40 minutes ago, I've realized that the "for just the price of a cup of coffee" motto for the Christian Children's Fund is probably doing pretty well because Starbucks has caused the price of a cup of coffee to outpace inflation by 1000% over the past 10 years. Soon these slum dwellers will have more Fisher Price than those lickbags who live above me, and that would be totally awesome...

What Would Brian Boitano Do

As I gear up for that twice a year giddiness (March and October, specifically) only brought upon by the premiere of yet another half season of South Park, I can't help but wonder what that Brian Boitano would do when it comes to Net Neutrality.

Do note that I've capitalized Net Neutrality not by accident because it's kinda like the Sliced Bread of the Internet, although my doubts about capitalizing the latter term remain. Either way, this is not a debate about the capitalization of letters so much as it is about the capitalization of telecom companies, specifically SBC/AT&T or whatever the fuck they call themselves on days of South Park premieres.

My left leaning self sees it like this: evil corporate SBC/AT&T and all the other bandwidth providers in the United States are lobbying to pass legislation requiring the literal creation of a "fast lane" on the Internet. Portals like Yahoo! AOL Google and all the others with tens of millions of page views a day would be able to afford the mandatory fees bandwidth providers want to impose in order to keep their viewers coming in as fast as they currently do. Sites that don't have the millions of page views a day and/or that can't afford to pay a premium won't get HOV status and they will have to wait in a longer queue for slower bandwidth, thus bringing about another death of Willy Loman if he is not to compete on a level playing field. Larger sites could theoretically become even faster to access as all the other small ones they're used to won't be in the same lane anymore.

It's promising that Google, still in its infantile stage of learning how to bribe/lobby members of our fine government, is pro-Net Neutrality ie. doesn't want telecom companies to be able to charge fees for faster bandwidth and create a class gap even though they could stand to benefit from it, despite having to pay a fee. It's also promising that Republicans that were likely to pass the law/enjoy tasty steak dinners from AT&T executives got voted out of Congress in November, thus creating a little more hope. I feel that most people like myself who (1) blog, (2) hate evil corporations (3) think Google is hotter than your hottest milf and (4) don't feel the need to regulate Al Gore's first invention all kinda feel the same as Google does.

But in my totally un-biased approach to all political matters (wink wink) and my general interest in it as an employee of the internet industry, I've come across a legitimate reason for making the net a little less neutral and worry that this could be inevitable. The telco's argue that by charging these fees, they could better fund the maintaining and building of more infrastructure for more bandwidth, although my pessimism leads me to believe that the fees will just line the pockets of greedy people.

Either way, a company like YouTube, which never could have prospered without Net Neutrality and that happens to now be owned by Net Neutrality preacher Google, is caught in the middle of quite a paradox. The proliferation of video has led to predictions that the Internet will burst at the seams in 2007, which would just be a fucked situation. The dotcom bubble and total arrogance of the 90's led to a nice and hefty over investment in infrastructure, allowing the Internet to expand quickly and cheaply ever since it started recovering. Unfortunately, all that over investment hasn't happened for a long time and there's pretty much no "dark bandwidth," as it's called in some circles (no affiliation to Dick Cheney either), left to purchase to allow for cheap expansion.

The telco's may just get their way if there's nowhere to expand to but to try charging more money to use the internet in the first place. It's possible that we've been having our cake and eating it for the past 10+ years, but it would certainly suck to see the status quo have to change. I guess my specific job working in video is quite responsible for this debacle, so perhaps I have no right to complain. What I do have though is the right to not trust government regulation to make sure that those fees collected by the telco's actually gets spent on infrastructure or that the government would do anything about it if the were breaking the law anyway.

Oh well, for those of you who made it this far and weren't too well versed on the issue, I hope this helps, as it seems to have less traction as an issue than it should. Perhaps those brilliant South Parkers will cover this as an issue over the next 8 weeks, and perhaps Brian Boitano will be part of the solution.

In order to take yet another step in the wrong direction, I leave you with a follow up to last week's ridiculous Japanese humor show. This time they're on the toilet (notice how they sit backwards in Japan!) and pulling Police Academy-like stunts, as they did on Proctor with the crane.

Monday Madness

These lame-o's are getting their 2 and 5 year old nephews high. Child Services has taken custody of the boys, but the only thing to do now would be to send them to Jamaica, where they will be exactly like the rest of the population.

This guy was shot in the groin by two black dudes walking up to the front door of his house. This guy is a Kremlin critic and just four days earlier had given an interview on NBC about how Pooty and his gang of oil drinking bandits will go to great lengths to silence their opposition. Coincidence??? I think not...here's how it all went down in Red Square last week (please read with silly Russian accent in mind):

"Hey Pooty, before I give you zis fine beluga caviar and fancy vudka for free, don't forget to sign executive order #4476 underneath your drink, we need to kill that free market bastard."

"Henchman, please. We already silenced a critic in London just couple months ago, and you expect me to cause these problems in America now? Let's stick to murdering people within our borders or CIA will ass rape me."

"But Pooty, what about that episode of Sopranos where Tony and his goombas make black politician man send in gang of negroes to shoot up a crack house that Tony wants to sell scrap copper wiring from? Tony refuses to send pizzaman in to do dirty work and make it look bad, so why can't we send in negro man? Lord knows not one negro man has ever worked for Russian government ever, it will never look like our work."

Pooty: "Excellent, send KGB to give black man gold watch and shoot this commy bastard. I love HBO writers! Nostrovia!"

Don't you wish your powers were hot enough to kill that song?

Seriously, the don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me song has got to go. It's in Norbit, which must be a horrible movie, and if somehow it doesn't suck, the star of it went crying home to mommy when Alan Arkin won the Oscar instead of him.

Another awesome flick that is sporting this horrid melody is Wild Hogs, which is about four good actors playing washed up middle-aged family men and going on a road trip on their Harleys across the US of A. The previews look terrible and these four good actors are going to become the washed up middle aged men they play if they all sign contracts for another movie like that. I don't recall why they feel the need to play that friggin song, as in Norbit we all know that the fat lady sings it, but again why on earth do the feel the need to have it in the first place?

Finally we have my most joyous moments of watching South Park at 2am on CW 11 when I'd rather be sleeping but then lose all aspects of tiredness once Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld (Primus sucks) comes on, followed by Faith + 1 in which Cartman takes advantage of Bible Lovers and sings about pleasing Jesus while on his knees, just to beat Kyle in a bet and sell a million records.

There could possibly be nothing better on TV than that keeping me up all night, but I went from not tired to simply pissed off when the commercial for "PussyCat Dolls Present the Search for the Next Doll" came on. Sure enough, they play the same fucking song again. All it would take is a quick love tap of the google to identify the awful singer responsible for this travesty, as I'm probably in the minority of people who don't know the so called artist of this track, but I choose to remain in obscurity.

To recap, we have Eddie Murphy playing multiple characters, a tactic that hasn't been awesome since Coming to America, we have 4 supposedly cool hollywood actors (although Tim Allen and especially Martin Lawrence kinda suck) in a bad movie, and we have the newer, skankier, schwaggier version of America's Next Top Model (whose ads were pulled from Santa Monica busses) with attractive women dressed like strippers instead of models (if you can call it dressed); and all of them use the same awful song as their theme, and it is officially driving me crazy.

The culprits behind this knack for picking original soundtrack themes are Dreamworks (Norbit), Disney (Wild Hogs), and a hybrid of AOL Time Warner and Viacom (CW). I almost wish that it was the same entertainment company that possibly owned the record company responsible for distributing the album, but unfortunately it is not a racket. What we have here is crappy executives hearing a bad song on the radio when driving their daughters home from Hebrew school, all thinking that they've got the next big hit song for their generic and not even mildly entertaining movies that they are responsible for having rake in tens of millions of dollars.

I think we have hit a new low when a song worse than Gwen Stefani's Bananas is in three previews on any given night, thus making the Madman mad. The only instance that I can recall being worse than our current situation is when Black Eyed Peas renamed their retarded song to Let's get it started, sold it to the NBA playoffs, and then spurned it out to a million other entertainment related objectives.

Flesh Dialect

After riding up in the elevator with an awkward executive and having a 3 minute conversation about the weather as a bunch of silly Asian girls walked in at the last second to press 3 extra floors before us, I'm about as dried out as Anna Nicole's salivary glands, but I've totally been a bad blogger.

I'm excited to arrive home this evening and wait for my 9-11pm delivery window for my first ever Fresh Direct. Being that the order is subsidized by my $500 Stuyvesant Town gift card and that our first FD purchase is 25% discounted, I'm pretty pumped that somebody else has to carry 42 beers into my apartment as I kick back and watch them bring in what is supposedly an unnecessary amount of boxes.

Excited as I am, I can't say that sitting in a chair with my hot laptop burning my crotch and overheating my entire body was a pleasant experience. The site definitely was incredibly slow from 10-11pm, as they clearly have bandwidth issues and I was clearly getting more fed up than when I'm stuck in a long line at the Associated at 14th and 1st.

All in all, 25% off saved us about 60 bucks from their higher than normal prices, and I don't know if I'd allow myself to do this on a regular basis. I guess it depends on how ripe or pre-ripe all my fruits and veggies are, as I don't want to either (a) have to use everything in the next 3 days before it goes bad or (b) have to wait a week just for it to get to the proper phase in its existence. Maybe I'll be lucky and they have a system for mixing up the various ripenesses, but I'm definitely full of crap when hoping for that.

I'll let you know how it goes, but all the 1664 French beer has got my panties feelin a little more at ease than normal.