Barack the terrorist?

After having a friend/fundraiser participate in the vicious mudslinging politics that Barack himself has denounced, one can only wonder if Fox News and Dick Cheney are in fact always right about the need to be paranoid and psychotic and live in bomb shelters. Why should I believe this charismatic senator trying to give Hillary a hard time?

Joe Biden has already made it clear that this guy's cleaner than Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, but aren't the terrorists always fooling us (Yassir Arafat was cleaner than Sharpton, whether or not he was gay and died of AIDS)? What if that Fox News story about Obama hangin in an Indonesian extremist camp as a 7 year old is true? What if Cheney's distaste for everyone not as loco as him is for real, and what if he knows or fears something we don't know?

Barack could be the Osama-raised ringer that these grim bastards have been waiting for to prove that we need to succumb to their mastery of the Constitution. Isn't al-Zawahiri praying for an Obama victory as we speak?

Truthfully, I don't know, but even if it's all true we can at least have a 24-like presidency in which our fears can be directed more inwards rather than on crapping on some crappy country like Iraq, so I look forward to the possible drama that may unfold if Barack is for real the Al-Qaeda ringer. He's barely even served in our government; perhaps short enough that the CIA hasn't yet pulled off the background check?

Well, whatever the case, I've got my hands on some good ole fashioned Japanese humor to ease your minds. If you've ever even mildly laughed at a silly Japanese game show, then you will most certainly have a ball with this, whether or not you are high.

uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh

What did you do for President's Day/Week? If you have children and are from the Northeast, you likely are somewhere in South Florida, so keep living it up. All of the things I could've done to honor GDubs and Honest Abe boil down to this: start my own country, murder some Brits, murder an American working for the Brits, free some slaves, wear a silly top hat, savagely murder some Southerners for being total bigots, burn the South to a charred ruin, or let my bodyguard go home even though somebody wants to kill me.

Thanks to an eager furniture salesman craving more material, I have returned from my presidential vacation of the past 12 days or so having thankfully accomplished none of the above. While I could just lie and say that I freed some slaves while trapped in a JetBlue inferno with no alcohol, that would be about as dishonest as Hillary Clinton's campaign referring to David Geffen as Barack Obama's campaign finance chairman, and then combine that shit with Brittany Spears apparent need for rehab, and that would be the dishonesty level we are talking about here.

I think I was sick of the 2008 election like 3 weeks ago, but my raging hard on for Barack Obama has only gotten more killer as he and Hillary head to a certain showdown culminating in hot sex backstage at one of their future debates (that both of them seem to want to opt out of at this point - and I say it's definitely the sexual tension as their line of reasoning). David Geffen, with Maureen Dowd as his impetus, has totally ripped on Hillary after raising Barack $1.3 million last night, and Hillary is totally pissed. All I know is that this young, charming, fake-black man from Illinois totally has my vote unless Mayor Bloomy chimes in. I think I might skip my plans for a blogger turned sitcom writer and instead go run for prez after all these fools are done shooting each other in the foot for the next year, as you will still have a few months to think about voting for me when I decide to file my paperwork and forge some signatures.

Not that David Geffen tells me what to do, but after having him confirm my belief that Republicans like Hillary because they think she is the most beatable, I'm totally not even 1% on her bandwagon anymore. The resulting mud-slinging and name calling and demands for giving back donations of the past 12 hours have been mildly entertaining, but unfortunately this is the Hollywood stage and I don't think any of this banter in Iowa would yield the same results. So it seems that this is the most exciting point of the primaries and we need to get used to that...

I recall asking someone last week what the deal is with these 8th grade magazine sales, and sure enough the Times today features an 8 month investigation piece about road tripping magazine crews of mostly 18-24 year olds that smoke meth, beat each other, have sex with each other, rip off the customers, and who aren't allowed to leave to go home. If we couple this practice with a third world country, well then what we've got here is one fucked up 8th grade magazine sale drive, but I don't want to go there. I guess the moral of the story here is that if some degenerate tries to sell you a magazine, chances are that they are sketchy, so stick to the insert cards and website subscription services and you'll be fine.

Now back to JetBlue - they fucked up big time and needed to do something about it, but their customer bill of rights is asking for more trouble. The reason they screwed themselves is because they were too insistent on doing the customer right in the middle of last week's shit storm and ended up delivering on zero promises to get people to their destinations. Now we have a bill of rights to try and make up for this, but that's just them trying again to do too much for the customer, and I expect yet another backlash in the future.

I've had nothing but sweet terra blue chips while eating xanex and watching DirecTV in my experiences, but if I were involved in last week's incidents I'd probably never fly them again. Since I wasn't trapped on a plane while dreaming of our important presidents' birthdays, all I can say is that I'm glad I don't have to put more faith in the other just as shitty airlines. For a witty Brit's take on flying, check this link; perhaps the guy is just an American working for a British publication, but he might also be a bloody Tory spy, so do be careful.

My morals are in question

Just when I thought I was okay with the fact that I partied more in college rather than take Orgo and that despite the fact that I'm not a doctor and I don't save lives, at least I'm not in a profession that involves sucking the blood of others or eating your young, right? Well, I specifically work with websites rather than the advertisers these websites are responsible for whoring themselves out to, so I've gotten to avoid any sales pitch to evil companies like GM, who not only have a bad ad campaign, but also sue the State of California in their spare time for passing legislation that raises emissions standards.

Unfortunately I've spotted something that I can no longer consider morally objective in the quest for draining the advertising budgets of leading companies and their agencies, and I've decided to share it with you despite the fact that it's in fairly poor taste for me to spread around the preview links for campaigns that may or may not already be in flight. Even so, every time you look at it, that's a few more fractions of a penny that we have to pay our bandwidth hoster all the way over in Asia, but since there's no video it's really not that big a deal. Actually, scratch that, I'm just going to show you a still image and not provide the link in the hopes that Google Blogger won't figure out how to hack our system. Irregardless, as people who think that's a real word would say, I present to thee "Abstinence Only," brought to you by the State of Arizona Department of Health Services. Don't they have real problems such as militiamen and cowboys going on murderous rampages of anyone without a green card?

In case you can't read the little non-scandalous IM conversation in the left half of the ad, Stacy wants to have a successful career and Jeff wants to complete his education. While these two are clearly blessed to not have had any encounters with Mark Foley, perhaps Jeff will rest a little easier during exams and Stacy won't become the office hoebag upon getting that career if either one of them would instead choose to indulge in their wild sides every once in awhile. I'm a big fan of moderation, and perhaps both of these Rtards won't grow up to be such losers if they (a) avoid being promiscuous sluts and (b) don't spend the rest of their lives jacking off. I'd give them a little credit if they at least wanted to phrase this in the context of avoiding STD's, but that's clearly not the case here.

Both Stacy and Jeff are doomed, and the terrorist right wingers within our government have won this battle if they're allowed to spend money on this crap. Just as the eco-terrorists in South Park win in the lovable "Douche and Turd" episode, hopefully Puff Daddy will go shoot some of their asses up and let us all live our lives.

In a sign that the terrorists have lost, the President of Turner Advertising has resigned after the scandalous Cartoon Network campaign involving scares that cost the media shop and its creative partner a combined $2 million in wasting the emergency services of Boston. That shit was kind of funny, sucks that someone had to lose their jobs over this, but I guess terrorist scares can't go unpunished. Someone reprimand Arizona please! I hope you all enjoy a nice good shag this weekend in honor of Stacy and Jeff. I'm out laters.

In case you were wondering

[17:42] adam: crap is it illegal to jack off to anna nicole smith now?
[17:43] friend: nah - you wouldnt have been thinking of the current one anyways
[17:43] friend: seperate entities
[17:43] adam: true
[17:44] adam: yea she's got 1993 written all over her

Too much fun?

Hot off the press: Anna Nicole Smith is dead. This won't take a declassification of the JFK files to figure out what went wrong here, but that certainly still sucks. I vividly recall her 1993 Playmate of the Year stint as all the boys at summer camp soaked in boobs the size of their heads and talked about how she was the hottest person ever. Somewhere along the way she got fat, ugly, and addicted to everything, only to have cleaned herself up recently (perhaps TrimSpa is no good for you?) in lieu of being involved in every lawsuit this side of the Mississippi. I guess the Supreme Court can go back to hearing the trial of who inherits the dead guys' money that she married a few years back. Corey Lidle and Steve Irwin were good at provoking humor in their respective afterlives', so I expect someone as ridiculous as this character to do the same.

With death on the mind (creepy), I can't help but comment on the weird GM commercial during the Super Bowl. I guess the idea is that the machine was initially depressed for screwing up and getting fired, only to wake up and realize that it was all a dream. But fake Johnny 5 was dreaming because the assembly line was ground to a halt because GM cars are so dependable and never need fixing and he had nothing better to do? This commercial obviously never considered the 1997 Pontiac Grand Am GT that myself and MisterLister shared back in the day, as I think it might have gone 13,000 miles until something inevitably stopped working and cost a few hundred bucks to repair.

What troubled me most about the commercial (besides a robot committing suicide) was the fact that GM was trying to be funny in both (a) it's treatment of a taboo subject such as depression and suicide and (b) it's empty assembly line, which should be no laughing matter to a company needing more than a $12 billion airline industry bailout. They can convince the consumer all they want that their assembly lines are empty because their cars are so good and never break, but laying off tens of thousands of workers every year is becoming common practice and they might want to avoid the image of an empty assembly line. For other concerns about the lame ad, check this article.

Now that we have covered an apparent overdose or at least an indirect death from too much partying over the years, and robot suicide, I now present to you the murder of Ronald McDonald by none other than the [have way more momentum than Ronald] King of Burger King. He's still so cool for doing the Lambeau Leap, but I can't find that one on YouTube, so here's Jon Stewart making fun of Decider's take on stem cells. Enjoy it while you can, as Viacom is currently in the process of removing all its content from the site.

Purple Pain

The lack of uproar over Prince's symbolic looking penis has surprised me, as sitting around and watching that during halftime drew much laughter and applause. Now that HuffPost has linked to Yahoo!'s article about it, initial excitement has turned to disappointment, as only bloggers and others including Colbert are quoted.

This cannot be funny or controversial without James Dobson of Focus on the Family calling for a boycott of the NFL and Prince, and all we seem to have here is funny liberals making jokes about it and sounding like they wish it would have pissed someone else off, as I certainly was hoping for. Apparently Mr. Timberlake and Miss Jackson desensitized these often offended people just three years ago, or perhaps it's because these holier than thou, morally righteous, Jesus lickin losers have been too busy declaring their buddy Ted Haggard "completely heterosexual."

That's right, in just three weeks this man has managed to go from a meth smoking, ass ramming Mr. Slave-like evangelical to now completely cured of his non-existent disease. I'm not too sure if the fact that the leader of thousands of evangelicals living in a Greenwich Village sex den is funnier than the fact that he now has to go live in obscurity with his ashamed wife while they pretend like everything is okay. Either way, he got what he deserves and I hope his followers all start realizing how bored they are, but they should stick to weed and leave the farm crack behind for the farmer crackheads.

Speaking of gay sex, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) is demanding an apology from Paris Hilton for using the [gay] "f" bomb at a private party. Proving that Senator Joe Biden is in fact wrong and that many black people are qualified for the role of presidente, the African-American community has showed signs of intelligence by not responding to her additional use of the "n" bomb, as demanding an apology from someone as incompetent as Paris Hilton means that you in fact think her behavior indicates she has a developed thought process and is capable of making articulate opinions to others.

Get over this GLAAD, you have given recognition to a hoebag who admits to being a hoebag and who will make fun of you worse before apologizing to anybody. Just because gay males wear the same clothes as her doesn't mean they also have to take what she says seriously.

On a completely unrelated note, this iPod and walking ban seems to be quickly picking up steam. I may have to refrain from an opinion on this one because the smoking ban proved me wrong and the recent trans fat ban has me excited, but I do look forward to the day when a cop tries to stop me and write me a $100 ticket as I don't see or hear him because my headphones are on. If he has the guile to break my stride, I'll be sure to flip him the bird.

In truth, I did almost once get my ass hit by a car cause I didn't look in that direction and certainly couldn't hear anything because my headphones were on, but luckily for me I grew a brain before stepping into traffic. Hopefully the New York State Assembly won't try to tell me what to do on this one. Perhaps we need a long awaited racial profiling edge to such a bill? Not only are Asians bad drivers, but I find their skills at navigating the sidewalks to be particularly horrendous as well; just leave this fast-walking angry Jew out of it or I'll be sure to demand an apology from the state of New York for insulting my walking skills.

Fashion Week?

I really don't believe that Fashion Week is once a year. As far as I'm concerned, I hear that it's Fashion Week at least once every two months. If it really only happens once a year in New York, then why on earth would they choose it to be the most consistently cold time of year? Bony models and sub zero winds don't go well together, and I truly don't believe that this is the once a year production they claim it is.

You'll be happy to know that for the first time since the company I worked for was bought out in July, I may actually have a job to do. I've claimed at other times that I've got work to do, but navigating through a web of bureaucratic BS and having a particular distaste for it has always landed me right back where I started. Having more faith in me (apparently) than their dumb system, the rules have finally been rewritten to what they were under the nice old small shop I used to work at, and I'm happy to say that the end of this month should be the end of "integration." In the world of rich media, Rosa Parks and George Wallace would have been best friends, and I only wish I could whip out the link to the John Mellancamp Chevy commercial, but we didn't build that one because apparently the sales team I work for lost that deal. Either way, brace yourselves, cause I've broken free of my leash and can soon stop trying to figure out how to fit a square peg in a round hole.

For you Weiner Circle lovers out there, Single Jew has sent me a YouTube of sassy black lady serenading the most-likely homosexual AEPi'ers of some Chicago college, so here that is:

For those of you who don't know what's going on here, next time you find yourself in Chicago, drunk, and at Diversey and Clark, take the time to go two blocks south and order yourself one of the finest and rudest hot dogs in all the land. If you're feeling lucky, ask for the chocolate milkshake and be careful its power. I'm a little scared that she knows the Dianu song and I do not, but I guess she gets way more a cultural experience working that counter than I could ever imagine.

For those of you seeking distraction from some fucking election that isn't for another 21 months (fuck Hillary, fuck Rudy, fuck Edwards, fuck Kerry, fuck McCain, but Barack is way too cool), might I recommend the Bauer family saga? Lameness was overpowered by action last night, as Jack's first full temper tantrum of the season was played out through the torture of his own brother who had just tried to kill him and his father. Top that with the father killing the son and being the real bad guy, and you've got yourself one twisted family with Jack Bauer being totally deceived. Only more insanity, torture, and bad ideas can come from this as we gear up for next weeks two hours of action-packed drama, but I do feel bad for the CTU programmer that has been kidnapped. If only Chloe heeded Six Feet Under guy's advice not to tell him about her boyfriend's fake dying brother, she could be back having sex in the interrogation room.

Oh yea, the Super bowl sucked but I made a killer guacamole. Rex's throwaways looked like an 8th grader floated those up in the air, and Peyton finally won one although I still don't like him (it has nothing to do with his brother). Vinatieri apparently can only be perfect under Parcells or someone like him who hates kickers, and unfortunately the less black coach played to win the game more than the other guy did.